Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

I would get resentful if DH were living a life of leisure while I work - I'm not wired to provide for another adult plus kids. I think DH feels the same way. I've cut back more on my career and taken on more of the kids' stuff, and we also have a full-time nanny, and that arrangement is fine, but I know we'd both resent each other if someone stops contributing so the other one can freeride. We both prefer play to work, so we'll just retire together, on the early side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

OP here. I am totally jealous of my sah friends and tell them that. I mean, I’m jealous of the getting to be home with their kids aspect. And not having to balance kids and a career.

What I don’t understand is not working and not spending the time with your kids either. I’m not jealous of sitting by the pool all day why husband supports everything - to me that would feel strange. Like even if they had a low paying for fun part time career that would be something. Which is why I’m curious how people in these marriages feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a traditional culture where many women used to stay home. In his generation, women started having professional careers, but since they were the first group to go out en masse, they were also expected to do everything at home - which led to conflict.

So he told me when he proposed that he would be happy with whatever decision I made. It turned out our first child was born with special needs, and I had to quit my job, which I wasn't happy about. And now it's going to be really hard to get back into the workplace after years of staying home. Also hard to transition back to a reasonably equal household chore distribution, because since he was the sole breadwinner, it seemed fair that I be the sole person to look after the children and house. No outsourcing.

OP here. Yours is a totally equitable set up. I have a child with special needs too and you staying home with yours is admirable and a sacrifice. And I understand that staying at home long term can make it difficult to get back into the workplace.

[Anonymous]

I think in the scenario you describe with the nanny and cleaner and day camps etc. the DH is likely a high earner and being able to support this type of lifestyle is a sign of success. If there’s plenty of money to go around and he doesn’t have to cook, clean, do childcare, etc. then what benefit would there be to the spouse working?

I can see resentment building if the DH is under a lot of pressure to provide and the lifestyle is not easily funded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

DH calls me a SAHM with a paycheck. I've been working from home for the 15 years. I make a decent salary and am able to do kid pick up/drop off, laundry, grocery shop, and get dinner ready. He thinks it great. I look at us as a partnership. The more stuff I get done around the house when I'm home, the more family time we have.

+1 best of both worlds

[Anonymous]

Staying home and relaxing all day sounds like a recipe for depression. For me anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

Me. I would hate it. I've loved working since a very young age and can't imagine a good life without it.

[Anonymous]

My husband would care zero. He is inherently selfish and just cared about his plate. He’s actually really sweet and kind but whether hes at work and im at the pool or im at home with the kids affects him zero. And we have enough money (now) that i can pick “either lane” and again, he wouldnt care or even notice. I find men to hold much less resentment than women and this is one plus of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in the scenario you describe with the nanny and cleaner and day camps etc. the DH is likely a high earner and being able to support this type of lifestyle is a sign of success. If there’s plenty of money to go around and he doesn’t have to cook, clean, do childcare, etc. then what benefit would there be to the spouse working?

I can see resentment building if the DH is under a lot of pressure to provide and the lifestyle is not easily funded.

I agree there’s no benefit to the spouse working in these scenarios but I’d be upset if they chose to stay home and also fully outsourced childcare.

I think it’s less about not working and more about how you spend your time. Iy almost feels like the sah spouse is another dependent in this case.

My dad is a high earner and my mom went back to work after us kids were in school, out of a desire to have something for herself. And we never had a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I think resentment is normal.

My husband and I both work full time but my job is very flexible and far less demanding (I can sometimes watch tv during the day and get errands done during the weekdays most weeks and am able to do school pick up, and no I am not on the clock...for my work I just get done what I have to do). My husband makes about 5x more than me and has pretty good flex considering his salary. But he works much harder, for longer, sometimes with unpleasant stints, and is often in the office.

I think he can resent my freedom but still appreciates how I contribute and respects my work.
I sometimes resent him, especially when things are more even between us work-wise and I realize he makes so much more than I do, but I appreciate his effort and income.

Normal marriages navigate these things while still allowing people to feel normal feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

DH calls me a SAHM with a paycheck. I've been working from home for the 15 years. I make a decent salary and am able to do kid pick up/drop off, laundry, grocery shop, and get dinner ready. He thinks it great. I look at us as a partnership. The more stuff I get done around the house when I'm home, the more family time we have.

What you are is a badass. You have a full time job and you’re a full time parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

Would you be happy as long as he is happy? So if he was happy not working, you would be fine with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

Agree. Sounds like OP is the jealous one but acts judgmental instead of jealous.

Who isn't jealous of a woman who doesn't have to work AND has enough time and money to spend her days working out, shopping, and meeting friends for lunch at the country club? If you have a full-time housekeeper and cook, it's not a big deal to shuttle the kids around in the evening. I only have one friend living this life, and yes, I'm jealous.

This sounds like my worst nightmare. But I have a well paid job and I am well respected in my industry. The thought of hanging around a country club all day sounds dreadful. And can you imagine the low energy women that you would be hanging out with?