Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

Since I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who wants to live like that, it’s a moot point.

What’s wrong with you being happy with your set-up, and I’ll be happy with mine? Why the need to pick apart what works for me? I’m not doing it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what your husband thinks of me, I'm Not married to him. I only care what MY husband thinks and he LOVES that I don't work fulltime anymore.
It makes his life easier, partially because I'm so much happier not working.

Makes sense. If you two are happy and can afford to provide a happy home to your kids, other people's judgement has zero value.

Same way, if both working full time is needed to have a happy home, no matter of ambition or money or social needs, other people's judgement has zero value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for many years and DH was grateful for it. But when the kids were older he did seem more resentful and made comments about how much everyone in the house slept. Then once I did go back to work, he would make comments when I would try to nap on the weekends because I was so exhausted from the work week. Sometimes I really hate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we would be resentful if one of us stopped working, but we couldn't afford the other to stop. We both have stressful jobs that weigh on us and hobbies that we would much prefer. So, if my spouse decides to stop working at any point, so will I. We'll have to draw down our assets and stick to a budget. I don't like work enough to carry another adult, plus I get a little jealous when my spouse gets more time with the kids than me. I get the sense my spouse feels the same way. We both would prefer to be with the kids and pursue hobbies overworking.

That sounds awful. I don’t know anyone who loves every moment of their job, but most people I know get some kind of sense of satisfaction from their work.
Can you look at a career change to something closer to what you do as a hobby? This is your only life. This seems like a miserable way to spend it.

[Anonymous]

My husband definitely resented it. His Mom worked.

[Anonymous]

I resented it, and it wasn't a joint decision. She just decided to mostly not work during the marriage, including the 10 years before we had a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we would be resentful if one of us stopped working, but we couldn't afford the other to stop. We both have stressful jobs that weigh on us and hobbies that we would much prefer. So, if my spouse decides to stop working at any point, so will I. We'll have to draw down our assets and stick to a budget. I don't like work enough to carry another adult, plus I get a little jealous when my spouse gets more time with the kids than me. I get the sense my spouse feels the same way. We both would prefer to be with the kids and pursue hobbies overworking.

That sounds awful. I don’t know anyone who loves every moment of their job, but most people I know get some kind of sense of satisfaction from their work.
Can you look at a career change to something closer to what you do as a hobby? This is your only life. This seems like a miserable way to spend it.

I've looked into a career change, but at this point, I'd rather grind for a couple more years and retire in my mid-40s. I might pick up a hobby job, like coaching a sport. We need to downsize as we live in a stupid big house we don't need (not my idea but I didn't push back very hard), then I could retire almost immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, judging SAHMs is a favorite pastime for unsatisfied or smug WOHMs, just like it was the other way around for SAHMs to judge WOHMs. Grass looks greener or dead on the other side even though it's not that much different on either side, just different shades.

Plenty of people don't judge either side, like making obviously resentful quips of "I'd hate that lifestyle".
They just see the negative, sympathize and don't need to compare how their choices would not leave them open to such tragedy. Because, they know their own life has drawbacks to some degrees.
I won't give the details but I had a wohm friend confess some outrageous stuff to me that would send anyone's tongue wagging and tsk tsking. I don't think any less of her because it was understandable in her case and something I could imagine my own mom saying (and I know my mom was pretty great). I don't rush to post the tragic tales of this one lady as a common thing, to gloat, that's so silly. I have my own multiple failings, everyone does. Life has many dimensions and we don't always show them so people take the small sliver they see to paint a broad picture, usually to suit their pov.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH enjoyed me being at home when the kids were very small. Once the youngest started school- while DH didn’t say anything directly & we hadn’t discussed when I might go back to work- he quickly started getting resentful and honestly, kind of disrespectful in subtle ways. So I went back when our youngest was in 1st grade.

We’ve never needed the income but for DH- the idea of me having free time during the daytime (while he was at work) didn’t really sit well. It seemed silly at the time, given we didn’t need the $ and it was hard to juggle. But in the end he did me a favor- can’t imagine being out for any longer (going back to work would seem even more daunting). It was hard enough to get back into the swing of things as it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Right? He is real though! Key factor: he is European (dual citizen, raised mostly in a European country). I think that might be a big part of it? 🤷‍♀️ .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resented it, and it wasn't a joint decision. She just decided to mostly not work during the marriage, including the 10 years before we had a child.

Why would you put up with that though?! 10yrs before you even had kids? Bizarre.