Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home after my second was born very prematurely. My husband and I both had demanding jobs and it just was too much for the family.

We made that decision jointly and I always thought I’d return to work in a few years.

In the meantime, my husband’s career really intensified. Meaning, more pressure, more travel and a lot more money.

I never returned to work. I had part time help when the kids were really little. That ended when they were in school. I did have and continue to have cleaning help.

When they were school aged (both in college now) days went a lot like this until they were driving.

630: get kids up, breakfast and 90 minute commute to two different schools and back home

930 work out or walk

11 shower get ready for day

12 -230 things like work on bills, schedules, volunteer work (I was very active in both schools), occasionally see a friend, laundry, prep dinner, grocery shopping

230 begin pick ups and driving to after school things for one child a lot of sports as club play
Stay to watch practice or game or similar

6 home make dinner

7 dinner

7-9 homework/family time

10 bed

I was fortunate to be able to do this but it really wasn’t leisurely. My taking care of everything for the kids and the house allowed my husband to have the career he had.

I do not think he was resentful at all. He often would suggest I get more help, but that wasn’t my style.

Currently, the kids are gone and I do find I have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve returned to school for a second career and I’m enjoying traveling with my husband for his work and for fun, seeing old friends, and spending time on my health and wellness.

Sometimes lately I feel like he continues to work so hard, and I don’t, but he has never once made me think he is resentful of that. I make beautiful dinners, arrange interesting weekend activities, stay in shape and healthy, can accompany him on work trips, and take care of all household, aging parent, and existing kid needs.

He appreciates all of that.

It works for us.

You slept for 10 and a half hours a night, worked out for 90 minutes, didn't shower until 11 am, spent 2 and a half hours doing random tasks, and you don't think that was leisurely? Maybe because you quit when your kids were little you have absolutely no concept of how working moms get things done.

DP here. Your math sucks. 10pm to 6:30am is 8.5 hours of sleep. Not 10.5.

[Anonymous]

I think this depends on so many things. My husband has always been adamant he did not want to be solely responsible for our family financially. He was really impacted by his dad’s involuntary retirement at 50 and inability to find a job after that. His parents are ok but they are not having the retirement they expected after his dad working crazy hours and traveling much of my husband’s childhood. He went into a line of work that is pretty stable but not like a doctor or something where you will always have work. So I think he would be resentful if I expected him to be the sole earner, since he was clear about that.

It’s very difficult though because he doesn’t want to have to do 50 percent of everything, and also feels the need to work a lot of hours to earn a higher salary. He does some things around the house and is a good dad, but I didn’t expect to have to do the majority of the house and child care and maintain a job even though I’ve mommy tracked big time. I wish I could work 20 hours a week- that would be perfect. I really do think we should have more/better PT jobs available. So instead I guess I’m a little resentful? But most of the time I do think we are really lucky and it’s just that it’s hard to get the balance exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom of three and I will fully admit I am jealous. Of course I am! What do all of these high earning husbands do?! We’re not in DC now but DH works long hours at a professional job and is very good at what he does and earns $200K, so we are dirt poor by DCUM standards. I work part time but I am working the whole time my kids are in school so I start “second shift” immediately after getting off work and start running the kids to practices, appointments, run errands, help with homework, make dinner, do laundry, clean up, handle all logistics because I can’t make calls, place orders etc during the work day - I have to do all that because DH is still at work. I hate it and would love to stay home, and I think DH would be supportive but we can’t afford it. How are so many people making $1M+ at year? I guess I didn’t marry well. Wow.

I have been a SAHM in the DC area for 17 years. During this time DH has earned between $140k and around $500k. Never anywhere close to $1M in a year. It helps that we bought our house in 2013. But tons of SAHMs have incomes far below what you are claiming.

When he was earning $140 did you not feel like you should go back to work? I have earned more than $500k for the past few years but dw not working was never even discussed even at that level bc the kids are at school and after tax that's just $250 (then minus everything else, not that much). $140k is suuuuper low to have someone sah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home after my second was born very prematurely. My husband and I both had demanding jobs and it just was too much for the family.

We made that decision jointly and I always thought I’d return to work in a few years.

In the meantime, my husband’s career really intensified. Meaning, more pressure, more travel and a lot more money.

I never returned to work. I had part time help when the kids were really little. That ended when they were in school. I did have and continue to have cleaning help.

When they were school aged (both in college now) days went a lot like this until they were driving.

630: get kids up, breakfast and 90 minute commute to two different schools and back home

930 work out or walk

11 shower get ready for day

12 -230 things like work on bills, schedules, volunteer work (I was very active in both schools), occasionally see a friend, laundry, prep dinner, grocery shopping

230 begin pick ups and driving to after school things for one child a lot of sports as club play
Stay to watch practice or game or similar

6 home make dinner

7 dinner

7-9 homework/family time

10 bed

I was fortunate to be able to do this but it really wasn’t leisurely. My taking care of everything for the kids and the house allowed my husband to have the career he had.

I do not think he was resentful at all. He often would suggest I get more help, but that wasn’t my style.

Currently, the kids are gone and I do find I have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve returned to school for a second career and I’m enjoying traveling with my husband for his work and for fun, seeing old friends, and spending time on my health and wellness.

Sometimes lately I feel like he continues to work so hard, and I don’t, but he has never once made me think he is resentful of that. I make beautiful dinners, arrange interesting weekend activities, stay in shape and healthy, can accompany him on work trips, and take care of all household, aging parent, and existing kid needs.

He appreciates all of that.

It works for us.

You slept for 10 and a half hours a night, worked out for 90 minutes, didn't shower until 11 am, spent 2 and a half hours doing random tasks, and you don't think that was leisurely? Maybe because you quit when your kids were little you have absolutely no concept of how working moms get things done.

DP here. Your math sucks. 10pm to 6:30am is 8.5 hours of sleep. Not 10.5.

Excuse the typo. The point still stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

My husband loves being an at home unemployed person. I love my career. Again, you just can't generalize.

Sure you can. But generalizations are by definition not a rule.

[Anonymous]

27 yrs back. I became a SAHM when my DH's salary went from 35K to 75K.

I became a WOHM when his salary was 130K. I became a SAHM when his salary was 175K and have stayed home for 20 years now. He is at 400K now but will probably retire in the next 5 years.

Going from 35K to 75K was the time that I started feeling comfortable about our financial status. We bought our 300K SFH with a downpayment of 30K, saved in the first year of making 75K.

I believe that 150K is a very good HHI, and we pretty much continue to live on that amount. Still live in that 300K home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom of three and I will fully admit I am jealous. Of course I am! What do all of these high earning husbands do?! We’re not in DC now but DH works long hours at a professional job and is very good at what he does and earns $200K, so we are dirt poor by DCUM standards. I work part time but I am working the whole time my kids are in school so I start “second shift” immediately after getting off work and start running the kids to practices, appointments, run errands, help with homework, make dinner, do laundry, clean up, handle all logistics because I can’t make calls, place orders etc during the work day - I have to do all that because DH is still at work. I hate it and would love to stay home, and I think DH would be supportive but we can’t afford it. How are so many people making $1M+ at year? I guess I didn’t marry well. Wow.

I have been a SAHM in the DC area for 17 years. During this time DH has earned between $140k and around $500k. Never anywhere close to $1M in a year. It helps that we bought our house in 2013. But tons of SAHMs have incomes far below what you are claiming.

When he was earning $140 did you not feel like you should go back to work? I have earned more than $500k for the past few years but dw not working was never even discussed even at that level bc the kids are at school and after tax that's just $250 (then minus everything else, not that much). $140k is suuuuper low to have someone sah.

All depends on your standard of living and if you can handle public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom of three and I will fully admit I am jealous. Of course I am! What do all of these high earning husbands do?! We’re not in DC now but DH works long hours at a professional job and is very good at what he does and earns $200K, so we are dirt poor by DCUM standards. I work part time but I am working the whole time my kids are in school so I start “second shift” immediately after getting off work and start running the kids to practices, appointments, run errands, help with homework, make dinner, do laundry, clean up, handle all logistics because I can’t make calls, place orders etc during the work day - I have to do all that because DH is still at work. I hate it and would love to stay home, and I think DH would be supportive but we can’t afford it. How are so many people making $1M+ at year? I guess I didn’t marry well. Wow.

I have been a SAHM in the DC area for 17 years. During this time DH has earned between $140k and around $500k. Never anywhere close to $1M in a year. It helps that we bought our house in 2013. But tons of SAHMs have incomes far below what you are claiming.

When he was earning $140 did you not feel like you should go back to work? I have earned more than $500k for the past few years but dw not working was never even discussed even at that level bc the kids are at school and after tax that's just $250 (then minus everything else, not that much). $140k is suuuuper low to have someone sah.

PP you quoted. Not at all. The $140k was at the very beginning and I had my first newborn. My working then was out of the question for both of us. But we had planned carefully for it. Our townhouse mortgage was $1600/month. Our cars were paid for. $140k wasn’t even tight or difficult. I didn’t budget or clip coupons. We knew his salary was going up and that we would have more children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Some men see their woman not working on much inside or outside the house as a status symbol. As a marker of the wealth they are able to achieve to be in the upper class. If they aren't a man of power or don't really see themselves that way, then they are resentful. It's about the man's perspective on his life.

And many other men genuinely prioritize their family’s happiness. It’s bizarre how many people can’t seem to understand that particular perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

“My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to ***many*** practices, scout events, etc.”

Sounds like that’s EXACTLY the lifestyle you have…

There are different people who responded to the original post in this particular thread...

By replying they’re co-signing the “original” sentiment ergo the statement stands…

Maybe go read about how threads work and then come back.

Sorry you’re dumb and defensive and don’t want to admit that unless BOTH working parents attend EVERY SINGLE EVENT for ALL your kids, you’re not actually in the position to judge a SAHM who is happy that her husband can attend SOME of their kids’ events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home after my second was born very prematurely. My husband and I both had demanding jobs and it just was too much for the family.

We made that decision jointly and I always thought I’d return to work in a few years.

In the meantime, my husband’s career really intensified. Meaning, more pressure, more travel and a lot more money.

I never returned to work. I had part time help when the kids were really little. That ended when they were in school. I did have and continue to have cleaning help.

When they were school aged (both in college now) days went a lot like this until they were driving.

630: get kids up, breakfast and 90 minute commute to two different schools and back home

930 work out or walk

11 shower get ready for day

12 -230 things like work on bills, schedules, volunteer work (I was very active in both schools), occasionally see a friend, laundry, prep dinner, grocery shopping

230 begin pick ups and driving to after school things for one child a lot of sports as club play
Stay to watch practice or game or similar

6 home make dinner

7 dinner

7-9 homework/family time

10 bed

I was fortunate to be able to do this but it really wasn’t leisurely. My taking care of everything for the kids and the house allowed my husband to have the career he had.

I do not think he was resentful at all. He often would suggest I get more help, but that wasn’t my style.

Currently, the kids are gone and I do find I have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve returned to school for a second career and I’m enjoying traveling with my husband for his work and for fun, seeing old friends, and spending time on my health and wellness.

Sometimes lately I feel like he continues to work so hard, and I don’t, but he has never once made me think he is resentful of that. I make beautiful dinners, arrange interesting weekend activities, stay in shape and healthy, can accompany him on work trips, and take care of all household, aging parent, and existing kid needs.

He appreciates all of that.

It works for us.

You slept for 10 and a half hours a night, worked out for 90 minutes, didn't shower until 11 am, spent 2 and a half hours doing random tasks, and you don't think that was leisurely? Maybe because you quit when your kids were little you have absolutely no concept of how working moms get things done.

DP here. Your math sucks. 10pm to 6:30am is 8.5 hours of sleep. Not 10.5.

Excuse the typo. The point still stands.

NP

LOL, It wasn’t a typo. The capital “I” in the previous “It” is a typo. You are terrible at math, and also deliberately discounting the non-leisure activities like driving kids around for hours and preparing multiple meals every single day. Pretending the only “work” PP did in her schedule was “random tasks” (like grocery shopping and laundry) is either deliberately disingenuous on your part. Or more likely (judging from your math), you are just not very bright.

I hope you don’t “get things done” in your work and home life to the standard you’ve demonstrated here, because if so, I am confident that you are mediocre to terrible at everything.