Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

[Anonymous]

You posted this before!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before!

I haven’t. Is there a thread on this?? I would read it!

[Anonymous]

I think some would and some would be fine with it. There are men who want to work no matter what and who derive satisfaction from being the provider. Or just: Happy wife, happy life.

My husband will probably retire years before I do and I feel like I’ll be fine with that. I don’t want to retire.

[Anonymous]

I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

[Anonymous]

We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

[Anonymous]

DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

I used to work in biglaw and he seems a lot happier now. It is so much easier for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

Ha! Nice try. They love having a second paycheck—equivalent or close to their own while still having someone in the home for sick kids, contractors, etc.

[Anonymous]

My husband comes from a traditional culture where many women used to stay home. In his generation, women started having professional careers, but since they were the first group to go out en masse, they were also expected to do everything at home - which led to conflict.

So he told me when he proposed that he would be happy with whatever decision I made. It turned out our first child was born with special needs, and I had to quit my job, which I wasn't happy about. And now it's going to be really hard to get back into the workplace after years of staying home. Also hard to transition back to a reasonably equal household chore distribution, because since he was the sole breadwinner, it seemed fair that I be the sole person to look after the children and house. No outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

My ex wife used that time to have an affair during my work day, kids’ school day. So, YES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

Same

[Anonymous]

As long as the arrangement was fully discussed and agreed upon, I doubt see why the working spouse would care.

It's usually the situations where one spouse was just going to SAH until the kid entered school...and then school rolls around and the spouse isn't working. Those cause problems because now in theory, one spouse is unilaterally changing the deal.

Also, let's face it, there are situations where one spouse makes a ton of $$$s and the other spouse makes relatively little and doesn't like their job much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

DH calls me a SAHM with a paycheck. I've been working from home for the 15 years. I make a decent salary and am able to do kid pick up/drop off, laundry, grocery shop, and get dinner ready. He thinks it great. I look at us as a partnership. The more stuff I get done around the house when I'm home, the more family time we have.