Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it. You cannot win. Do not play the game.

+1 Don't say anything in email. Don't submit anything in writing. Look in your employee handbook to see what obligations you are under. this is a trap.

[Anonymous]

omg

It's everywhere. Work is now therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of folks are getting hung up on the phrase "healing circle". Forget the lingo. This is just conflict resolution process and OP -- you should be grateful it exists. You can use it to protect yourself. And ideally, it will actually resolve what sounds like a misunderstanding of roles and responsibilities. My main piece of advice: they need to hire a neutral mediator to facilitate. It's really important.

I once had a similar miscommunication in which I was accused by someone within my organization of having an overly harsh tone (I'm a white woman and so was the person accusing me). But instead of having a process in place for addressing, my very small organization tried to handle the situation "ad hoc." What this meant was that I was told by my boss that I had overstepped and I was ordered to issue a written apology in which I also promised to never "antagonize" my colleague again. Keep in mind -- the email in question had no bad language, was 100% about work. The statement that irked my colleague was the phrase "In the future, please run these changes by me so that I can make sure they are in keeping with the project mission." I remember it exactly because I had to talk about it so many times. I was told by numerous people in the organization that I was being overly aggressive, "shaming" my colleague, and that I should have run the language of my email past my boss before sending. It was a similar situation -- I was project lead and this woman was providing auxiliary support related to area of expertise, but had reached out to our clients on her own without talking to me and promised a fundamental change to our deliverable.

Anyway, I wound up writing the apology. I also wound up leaving the organization within a year. I felt completely railroaded by the process. I would have welcomed a "healing circle" or anything that would have allowed the people involved to have a constructive back and forth about what had happened. But I would request that it be lead by a neutral mediator hired to conduct the healing circle because otherwise there is a risk that one organization or the other will take over the process.

Participate fully. Respond to the requests to do pre-work, even if they seem dumb. But also make sure that it is run in a way that is actually designed to resolve conflict, and not just a way for this woman and her organization to pile-on. Neutral mediator. It's essential.

This would NEVER happen to a man for using direct language. NEVER.

I'm surprised your boss did not support you and crush this.

I was too at the time. I felt extremely hurt. But looking back, I can see how people in this org used social pressure in this very passive-aggressive way. Everyone, including me, was very paranoid about being seen as anything other than a team player. That's ultimately why I wrote the apology. I felt enormous pressure to prove that I could get along with everyone.

After I left and worked other places, I realized that this is NOT normal and that what seemed like a close, friendly culture was actually pretty dangerously cult-like. I realized, for instance, that people gossiped there all the time. But didn't recognize it as gossip because it was couched as "let's discuss so-and-so because we are worried about her." I know there were conversations like that about me around this time, and I feel certain my boss was worried about being painted with the same brush.

I hadn't thought about this incident in a long time until I stumbled on this thread. At first, thinking about it made me angry all over again. But thinking through it, I realize how messed up that place was and I'm actually really glad I didn't spend more time there. My career hasn't been perfect since, but I've never felt that powerless and ostracized again, not even close.

[Anonymous]

You did well by leaving and moving on, PP. The very best self-care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it. You cannot win. Do not play the game.

+1 Don't say anything in email. Don't submit anything in writing. Look in your employee handbook to see what obligations you are under. this is a trap.

It’s another org...how could it be a trap? The other org is not her employer; they have no power over her.

Having said that, her employer has every opportunity to hit the brakes on this...but they haven’t. She should figure out what her own employer thinks about this and take it from there. If her employer thinks this is important, then that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH worked in BigLaw for over 30 years. There were a number of stunts like this pulled (not on him) which resulted in payouts. Crazy, desperate, or devious people put together this and that interaction (or make the whole thing up) and then get the wheels turning with a start like this.
OP that your boss didn’t put a stop to this right away for your very appropriate email is concerning (that they want to let you go). Sorry. What a nightmare.

The person complaining works at a different org. There’s no way her org would compensate her for an email from an employee of another org. And the other org won’t pay either. This isn’t a typical HR scenario.

The individuals really aren’t part of the equation at all. This is a mechanism to move the two orgs forward.

[Anonymous]

Please report back OP. When is the healing circle scheduled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH worked in BigLaw for over 30 years. There were a number of stunts like this pulled (not on him) which resulted in payouts. Crazy, desperate, or devious people put together this and that interaction (or make the whole thing up) and then get the wheels turning with a start like this.
OP that your boss didn’t put a stop to this right away for your very appropriate email is concerning (that they want to let you go). Sorry. What a nightmare.

The person complaining works at a different org. There’s no way her org would compensate her for an email from an employee of another org. And the other org won’t pay either. This isn’t a typical HR scenario.

The individuals really aren’t part of the equation at all. This is a mechanism to move the two orgs forward.

That was my thought too, I'm not sure why someone in this thread keeps insisting that the slighted party will have some sort of legal claim against OP. Telling that they chose not to elaborate on a specific claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

I do't know, although I am very glad I have never had to deal with this situation, although it sort of reminds me of a situation that developed between myself and another board member of a non-profit I was involved in. Luckily, eventually (took a year at least) the issue just faded away and subsequently I was careful about boundaries with the other person.

I wonder if your perspective comes across as a kind of colonialism to the other people? Will you be accused of white fragility? DO the two organizations need to look at how their separate cultures interact? The one thing I can suggest is to try to keep it focused on the needs of the clients served by the project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

This x 1000. You would be surprised what people try to pull for compensation or revenge. The questionnaire is just designed to trip you up. You need a lawyer.

+1 Nothing in writing and consult an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Dying for an update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

Did you miss that they work at different organizations? OP may end up a social media wonder from this but doubt a lawyer is going to make a difference here.

But many organizations would pause before sending their employee into a complaint t based healing circle especially with another company. Op may have been nasty and unreasonable and in danger of becoming a social media “star” but nothing she’s said suggests that is what’s most most likely.

For sure the healing circle thing is insane but why are so many people saying this might end up in a lawsuit? That part doesn't make any sense, what possible grounds could there be when there is no employer/employee relationship and possibly not even a contractual arranagement between these two entities? That part doesn't make any sense to me at all.

The other employee may be trying to gin up a complaint against HER employer, for not handling this issue with the third party (OP's org). In employment law, employers have an obligation to prevent employees from being harassed by third parties. So, OP is being dragged into this, perhaps because the other employee is trying to either get a complaint going, or stir trouble, or stop herself from being fired, or whatever. The legal issue is on the side of the other org, and that's probably the reason why OP's employer is going along with this. They don't want to alienate the other org if the other org is trying to keep their employee from going bananas and filing an EEOC complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them that “healing circles” violate your religious beliefs. You can have a conversation or even a mediation, but no circles and no healings.

They will have to consult either their HR or an attorney on this and it will take a while, during which it will all die down.

I think this is a great idea, if you can get through it with a straight face. Of course, how they could take it this far with straight faces is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feel for you OP, I work in state government and have been asked to participate in feelings workshops between my team and another team. Painful and awkward to say the least.

It’s awkward primarily because not all feelings are valid. And these things start with the premise that they are. If I am your superior and give you an instruction and you get upset about it, there’s no “healing circle.” There is the door, however; don’t let it hit hour ass on your way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

Did you miss that they work at different organizations? OP may end up a social media wonder from this but doubt a lawyer is going to make a difference here.

But many organizations would pause before sending their employee into a complaint t based healing circle especially with another company. Op may have been nasty and unreasonable and in danger of becoming a social media “star” but nothing she’s said suggests that is what’s most most likely.

This. If one of my employees was asked to go to a healing circle, my first response would be "do not go and do not say anything." And I would immediately get on a call with HR and legal.

Absolutely. If I hear of this, I would tell my employee to disengage immediately and call my peer in the other company to find out what is going on.

+1000
No way would I send one of my employees into some sort of investigation at another company. An HR/ethics rep would absolutely be involved by this point to protect *my* employee, and I'd be having pretty harsh words for my peer at the other organziation.
Our company is really clear that all our harassment policies apply to not just fellow employees, but also anyone we're working with in a professional manner. If they're bringing a harassment charge against you, they should state that and we'll follow that process. Otherwise, you've already wasted enough time on this drivel.