Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Feel for you OP, I work in state government and have been asked to participate in feelings workshops between my team and another team. Painful and awkward to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of folks are getting hung up on the phrase "healing circle". Forget the lingo. This is just conflict resolution process and OP -- you should be grateful it exists. You can use it to protect yourself. And ideally, it will actually resolve what sounds like a misunderstanding of roles and responsibilities. My main piece of advice: they need to hire a neutral mediator to facilitate. It's really important.

I once had a similar miscommunication in which I was accused by someone within my organization of having an overly harsh tone (I'm a white woman and so was the person accusing me). But instead of having a process in place for addressing, my very small organization tried to handle the situation "ad hoc." What this meant was that I was told by my boss that I had overstepped and I was ordered to issue a written apology in which I also promised to never "antagonize" my colleague again. Keep in mind -- the email in question had no bad language, was 100% about work. The statement that irked my colleague was the phrase "In the future, please run these changes by me so that I can make sure they are in keeping with the project mission." I remember it exactly because I had to talk about it so many times. I was told by numerous people in the organization that I was being overly aggressive, "shaming" my colleague, and that I should have run the language of my email past my boss before sending. It was a similar situation -- I was project lead and this woman was providing auxiliary support related to area of expertise, but had reached out to our clients on her own without talking to me and promised a fundamental change to our deliverable.

Anyway, I wound up writing the apology. I also wound up leaving the organization within a year. I felt completely railroaded by the process. I would have welcomed a "healing circle" or anything that would have allowed the people involved to have a constructive back and forth about what had happened. But I would request that it be lead by a neutral mediator hired to conduct the healing circle because otherwise there is a risk that one organization or the other will take over the process.

Participate fully. Respond to the requests to do pre-work, even if they seem dumb. But also make sure that it is run in a way that is actually designed to resolve conflict, and not just a way for this woman and her organization to pile-on. Neutral mediator. It's essential.

This would NEVER happen to a man for using direct language. NEVER.

PP here. I'm honestly unsure. The woman who complained was about 10 years younger than I am, but at the time I was only in my mid-30s (as were most of the people in management) so I didn't feel like I could attribute it to age discrimination. I think it was just a small, poorly run organization that relied on a culture of "we're all friends here" and therefore failed to create any processes or structures to resolve issues like this. We didn't even have an HR department, just a contractor to whom they outsourced benefits issues.

I definitely learned my lesson in that job, and have learned to be wary of workplaces who try to tell you that "we're a family". Work is not family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of folks are getting hung up on the phrase "healing circle". Forget the lingo. This is just conflict resolution process and OP -- you should be grateful it exists. You can use it to protect yourself. And ideally, it will actually resolve what sounds like a misunderstanding of roles and responsibilities. My main piece of advice: they need to hire a neutral mediator to facilitate. It's really important.

I once had a similar miscommunication in which I was accused by someone within my organization of having an overly harsh tone (I'm a white woman and so was the person accusing me). But instead of having a process in place for addressing, my very small organization tried to handle the situation "ad hoc." What this meant was that I was told by my boss that I had overstepped and I was ordered to issue a written apology in which I also promised to never "antagonize" my colleague again. Keep in mind -- the email in question had no bad language, was 100% about work. The statement that irked my colleague was the phrase "In the future, please run these changes by me so that I can make sure they are in keeping with the project mission." I remember it exactly because I had to talk about it so many times. I was told by numerous people in the organization that I was being overly aggressive, "shaming" my colleague, and that I should have run the language of my email past my boss before sending. It was a similar situation -- I was project lead and this woman was providing auxiliary support related to area of expertise, but had reached out to our clients on her own without talking to me and promised a fundamental change to our deliverable.

Anyway, I wound up writing the apology. I also wound up leaving the organization within a year. I felt completely railroaded by the process. I would have welcomed a "healing circle" or anything that would have allowed the people involved to have a constructive back and forth about what had happened. But I would request that it be lead by a neutral mediator hired to conduct the healing circle because otherwise there is a risk that one organization or the other will take over the process.

Participate fully. Respond to the requests to do pre-work, even if they seem dumb. But also make sure that it is run in a way that is actually designed to resolve conflict, and not just a way for this woman and her organization to pile-on. Neutral mediator. It's essential.

This would NEVER happen to a man for using direct language. NEVER.

And if you make this about a gender issue, it will get worse. Men do use healing circles too.

lol no. that’s absurd. any organization that permits an issue like this to grow disproportionately out of control is dysfunctional. OP needs to start looking elsewhere. in the meantime I would insist that the “healing circle” be recorded and be as neutral as possible.

[Anonymous]

I would figure out how to gaslight them.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your org is not putting this to a halt or re-directing it is concerning, OP, and may indicate you might have to get sacrificed. I'd start looking for a new job, or if you like the other factors of this job, play the game.

Also - who makes it rain? She may be junior but if she is a rising star at her place, that matters.

[Anonymous]

Don’t complete questionnaire. Do participate in healing circle to clarify responsibilities with staff. Keep it professional. Recognize that feelings are often more important than facts and that is part of life. Remember that you are representing your company here, so be as diplomatic as appreciative of your working relationships as possible. Go with the flow but of course disagree politely and friendly if you see responsibilities differently. Pretend the other party is a relative in order to be polite as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of folks are getting hung up on the phrase "healing circle". Forget the lingo. This is just conflict resolution process and OP -- you should be grateful it exists. You can use it to protect yourself. And ideally, it will actually resolve what sounds like a misunderstanding of roles and responsibilities. My main piece of advice: they need to hire a neutral mediator to facilitate. It's really important.

I once had a similar miscommunication in which I was accused by someone within my organization of having an overly harsh tone (I'm a white woman and so was the person accusing me). But instead of having a process in place for addressing, my very small organization tried to handle the situation "ad hoc." What this meant was that I was told by my boss that I had overstepped and I was ordered to issue a written apology in which I also promised to never "antagonize" my colleague again. Keep in mind -- the email in question had no bad language, was 100% about work. The statement that irked my colleague was the phrase "In the future, please run these changes by me so that I can make sure they are in keeping with the project mission." I remember it exactly because I had to talk about it so many times. I was told by numerous people in the organization that I was being overly aggressive, "shaming" my colleague, and that I should have run the language of my email past my boss before sending. It was a similar situation -- I was project lead and this woman was providing auxiliary support related to area of expertise, but had reached out to our clients on her own without talking to me and promised a fundamental change to our deliverable.

Anyway, I wound up writing the apology. I also wound up leaving the organization within a year. I felt completely railroaded by the process. I would have welcomed a "healing circle" or anything that would have allowed the people involved to have a constructive back and forth about what had happened. But I would request that it be lead by a neutral mediator hired to conduct the healing circle because otherwise there is a risk that one organization or the other will take over the process.

Participate fully. Respond to the requests to do pre-work, even if they seem dumb. But also make sure that it is run in a way that is actually designed to resolve conflict, and not just a way for this woman and her organization to pile-on. Neutral mediator. It's essential.

This would NEVER happen to a man for using direct language. NEVER.

I'm surprised your boss did not support you and crush this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

Did you miss that they work at different organizations? OP may end up a social media wonder from this but doubt a lawyer is going to make a difference here.

But many organizations would pause before sending their employee into a complaint t based healing circle especially with another company. Op may have been nasty and unreasonable and in danger of becoming a social media “star” but nothing she’s said suggests that is what’s most most likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS. She overstepped and you simply pointed out the right way to channel communications and/ or changes?

“Healing circle” because you wanted things handled a certain way and she wanted to unilaterally implement a change that wasn’t hers to implement?
Jeezus.

NOT EVERYBODY gets a trophy in the workplace!

Five or ten years ago your boss would have supported you in the workplace. The junior employee would have washed out due to all of her demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of folks are getting hung up on the phrase "healing circle". Forget the lingo. This is just conflict resolution process and OP -- you should be grateful it exists. You can use it to protect yourself. And ideally, it will actually resolve what sounds like a misunderstanding of roles and responsibilities. My main piece of advice: they need to hire a neutral mediator to facilitate. It's really important.

I once had a similar miscommunication in which I was accused by someone within my organization of having an overly harsh tone (I'm a white woman and so was the person accusing me). But instead of having a process in place for addressing, my very small organization tried to handle the situation "ad hoc." What this meant was that I was told by my boss that I had overstepped and I was ordered to issue a written apology in which I also promised to never "antagonize" my colleague again. Keep in mind -- the email in question had no bad language, was 100% about work. The statement that irked my colleague was the phrase "In the future, please run these changes by me so that I can make sure they are in keeping with the project mission." I remember it exactly because I had to talk about it so many times. I was told by numerous people in the organization that I was being overly aggressive, "shaming" my colleague, and that I should have run the language of my email past my boss before sending. It was a similar situation -- I was project lead and this woman was providing auxiliary support related to area of expertise, but had reached out to our clients on her own without talking to me and promised a fundamental change to our deliverable.

Anyway, I wound up writing the apology. I also wound up leaving the organization within a year. I felt completely railroaded by the process. I would have welcomed a "healing circle" or anything that would have allowed the people involved to have a constructive back and forth about what had happened. But I would request that it be lead by a neutral mediator hired to conduct the healing circle because otherwise there is a risk that one organization or the other will take over the process.

Participate fully. Respond to the requests to do pre-work, even if they seem dumb. But also make sure that it is run in a way that is actually designed to resolve conflict, and not just a way for this woman and her organization to pile-on. Neutral mediator. It's essential.

Amazing story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

Did you miss that they work at different organizations? OP may end up a social media wonder from this but doubt a lawyer is going to make a difference here.

But many organizations would pause before sending their employee into a complaint t based healing circle especially with another company. Op may have been nasty and unreasonable and in danger of becoming a social media “star” but nothing she’s said suggests that is what’s most most likely.

Like I said, upthread I agree it sounds like a giant waste of time over nothing and I might reconsider whether I wanted to work for an organization that threw me under the bus but there's still not an angle here that requires a lawyer or could lead to a cause of action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of folks are getting hung up on the phrase "healing circle". Forget the lingo. This is just conflict resolution process and OP -- you should be grateful it exists. You can use it to protect yourself. And ideally, it will actually resolve what sounds like a misunderstanding of roles and responsibilities. My main piece of advice: they need to hire a neutral mediator to facilitate. It's really important.

I once had a similar miscommunication in which I was accused by someone within my organization of having an overly harsh tone (I'm a white woman and so was the person accusing me). But instead of having a process in place for addressing, my very small organization tried to handle the situation "ad hoc." What this meant was that I was told by my boss that I had overstepped and I was ordered to issue a written apology in which I also promised to never "antagonize" my colleague again. Keep in mind -- the email in question had no bad language, was 100% about work. The statement that irked my colleague was the phrase "In the future, please run these changes by me so that I can make sure they are in keeping with the project mission." I remember it exactly because I had to talk about it so many times. I was told by numerous people in the organization that I was being overly aggressive, "shaming" my colleague, and that I should have run the language of my email past my boss before sending. It was a similar situation -- I was project lead and this woman was providing auxiliary support related to area of expertise, but had reached out to our clients on her own without talking to me and promised a fundamental change to our deliverable.

Anyway, I wound up writing the apology. I also wound up leaving the organization within a year. I felt completely railroaded by the process. I would have welcomed a "healing circle" or anything that would have allowed the people involved to have a constructive back and forth about what had happened. But I would request that it be lead by a neutral mediator hired to conduct the healing circle because otherwise there is a risk that one organization or the other will take over the process.

Participate fully. Respond to the requests to do pre-work, even if they seem dumb. But also make sure that it is run in a way that is actually designed to resolve conflict, and not just a way for this woman and her organization to pile-on. Neutral mediator. It's essential.

This would NEVER happen to a man for using direct language. NEVER.

PP here. I'm honestly unsure. The woman who complained was about 10 years younger than I am, but at the time I was only in my mid-30s (as were most of the people in management) so I didn't feel like I could attribute it to age discrimination. I think it was just a small, poorly run organization that relied on a culture of "we're all friends here" and therefore failed to create any processes or structures to resolve issues like this. We didn't even have an HR department, just a contractor to whom they outsourced benefits issues.

I definitely learned my lesson in that job, and have learned to be wary of workplaces who try to tell you that "we're a family". Work is not family.

+1 These companies always learn the hard way (and makes you wonder if they actually have families, lol).

- employment lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

Did you miss that they work at different organizations? OP may end up a social media wonder from this but doubt a lawyer is going to make a difference here.

But many organizations would pause before sending their employee into a complaint t based healing circle especially with another company. Op may have been nasty and unreasonable and in danger of becoming a social media “star” but nothing she’s said suggests that is what’s most most likely.

Like I said, upthread I agree it sounds like a giant waste of time over nothing and I might reconsider whether I wanted to work for an organization that threw me under the bus but there's still not an angle here that requires a lawyer or could lead to a cause of action.

Most naive words ever written.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the buzz words they are using and translate into what you know: a Latina subordinate made a complaint about a white supervisor. They are investigating. Act accordingly, and maybe have your lawyer review your response before you put anything in writing. Have a witness on your side of the call.

This x 1000. You would be surprised what people try to pull for compensation or revenge. The questionnaire is just designed to trip you up. You need a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

DH worked in BigLaw for over 30 years. There were a number of stunts like this pulled (not on him) which resulted in payouts. Crazy, desperate, or devious people put together this and that interaction (or make the whole thing up) and then get the wheels turning with a start like this.
OP that your boss didn’t put a stop to this right away for your very appropriate email is concerning (that they want to let you go). Sorry. What a nightmare.