Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Id take the call and skip the questionnaire. I’m not creating a paper trail of my responses to some questions that another organization is somehow going to use, period. My excuse is simple - happy to help jump on a call, apologies but I have too much work to focus on introspective questionnaires right now.

And then I’d politely decline joining future calls of this type.

YES. I would not do the survey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. O. M. G. If this is where the world is headed, I want out.

Different poster here:
This seems like a good way to nudge Boomers into retirement.

Hahaha yes. I would just go with the flow and consider it another one of those roll your eyes work moments, like filling out dumb unnecessary paperwork.

[Anonymous]

What you described in your emails does not warrant all of this.

[Anonymous]

Do you have other history with this person? It seems like a huge overreaction to this one incident, but is this one of many?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with an open mind. You might learn something.

The only thing to learn is that woke people are dicks and that the backlash will be fierce.

The junior employee needs to be put in her place.

[Anonymous]

The boss of another organization called your organization’s leader.

It doesn’t matter who is right. Your org wants to remain on good terms with their org. You have to go make nice. Not for you, not for the other person. For your organization.

Put yourself in your boss’ shoes more and think about the things that motivate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with an open mind. You might learn something.

This.

You clearly didn’t handle this well. You went into it feeling superior, pulled rank, and it backfired. Now it’s become a “thing” because this is the new normal.

Tell your boss that you will comply and participate, but you are concerned about your professional reputation and that of your organization (try to get your boss to have skin in the game) and that you would like to strategize on next steps.

Here’s the thing about the new normal:

- Sometimes no is a legit answer.
- Sometimes push back is legit.
- Everyone needs to behave professionally.
- Everyone should always be prepared to answer questions and engage.
- Email leaves a paper trail and is easily misinterpreted. Always pick up the phone for these conversations, and be pleasant. Lots of, “I hear you, but I have a question/suggestion.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with an open mind. You might learn something.

This.

You clearly didn’t handle this well. You went into it feeling superior, pulled rank, and it backfired. Now it’s become a “thing” because this is the new normal.

Tell your boss that you will comply and participate, but you are concerned about your professional reputation and that of your organization (try to get your boss to have skin in the game) and that you would like to strategize on next steps.

Here’s the thing about the new normal:

- Sometimes no is a legit answer.
- Sometimes push back is legit.
- Everyone needs to behave professionally.
- Everyone should always be prepared to answer questions and engage.
- Email leaves a paper trail and is easily misinterpreted. Always pick up the phone for these conversations, and be pleasant. Lots of, “I hear you, but I have a question/suggestion.”

There is nothing professional about demanding that someone kiss your emotional boo-boo at work. OP has been perfectly professional.

And no, questions aren’t always appropriate. That’s why 60’s “consensus-based collectives” failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with an open mind. You might learn something.

This.

You clearly didn’t handle this well. You went into it feeling superior, pulled rank, and it backfired. Now it’s become a “thing” because this is the new normal.

Tell your boss that you will comply and participate, but you are concerned about your professional reputation and that of your organization (try to get your boss to have skin in the game) and that you would like to strategize on next steps.

Here’s the thing about the new normal:

- Sometimes no is a legit answer.
- Sometimes push back is legit.
- Everyone needs to behave professionally.
- Everyone should always be prepared to answer questions and engage.
- Email leaves a paper trail and is easily misinterpreted. Always pick up the phone for these conversations, and be pleasant. Lots of, “I hear you, but I have a question/suggestion.”

"Feeling superior"? This person gave instructions to OP's own team. That's just...wildly inappropriate. OP IS superior to this person, and Little Miss Fee-Fees needs to recognize that she can't give orders to other people's employees.

[Anonymous]

I think your supervisor absolutely needs to be involved in this conversation, and you need to have a one-on-one conversation to strategize before moving ahead. I am also an (older) millennial and have seen this kind of arrogant behavior coming from junior (Gen Z, 25 yo) staffers in my office very recently, who have tried to employ the sentiment of the current moment to their own personal advantage. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds awful, OP. But unless you want to run the risk of this being your hill to die on, I’d play along. Check your job description/ work requirements to see if they say anything about “communicates with colleagues,” or “contributes to positive atmosphere” etc. if so, they could use those to penalize you for not going along. I’m not saying it’s likely, esp since this person is outside your org, but it’s possible.

Maybe I would try to redirect at the circle. Try to get them to focus on actual work and tangible effects (if any), not just feelings. I’d also set limits for the circle thing. Say upfront that you only have fifteen minutes, and you want a very clear objective in mind, even if it’s just making the person “feel heard” (ick), so once that’s over you can say, mission accomplished, were done here!

+1 Play the game OP. Fighting it will not work for you if you've got leadership in both organizations saying that this is their fix. It is a sign of the times. It will pass eventually but for right now you need to accept it and play along even though it is pretty clear that Larla is trying to bully you into doing what she wants.

I wouldn't set limits or even be tongue-in-cheek. I would use the popular culture parlance to my advantage though. So basically go with "I'm hurt and upset that Larla didn't approach me personally before going to supervisors," and "I'm feeling intimidated and pressured that I will always have to act on Larla's input even when it may not be in the best interest of the organization or our goals," and "I'm feeling like we are undermining our clients when we arbitrarily enact staff choices without hearing the voices of our clients."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with an open mind. You might learn something.

This.

You clearly didn’t handle this well. You went into it feeling superior, pulled rank, and it backfired. Now it’s become a “thing” because this is the new normal.

Tell your boss that you will comply and participate, but you are concerned about your professional reputation and that of your organization (try to get your boss to have skin in the game) and that you would like to strategize on next steps.

Here’s the thing about the new normal:

- Sometimes no is a legit answer.
- Sometimes push back is legit.
- Everyone needs to behave professionally.
- Everyone should always be prepared to answer questions and engage.
- Email leaves a paper trail and is easily misinterpreted. Always pick up the phone for these conversations, and be pleasant. Lots of, “I hear you, but I have a question/suggestion.”

"Feeling superior"? This person gave instructions to OP's own team. That's just...wildly inappropriate. OP IS superior to this person, and Little Miss Fee-Fees needs to recognize that she can't give orders to other people's employees.

It’s not her subordinate. They work at different orgs. And, the fact they landed in this healing circle tells me the victim’s org is upset and siding with her—and so is the OP’s org (her own supervisor and org obviously think she screwed up or at the very least realize their org’s relationship and reputation are on the line).

You people are clueless. Sometimes you need to fall on your sword when it comes to preserving business relations. It’s either that, or accept that your pride and attitude might make you the sacrificial lamb. #business101

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds awful, OP. But unless you want to run the risk of this being your hill to die on, I’d play along. Check your job description/ work requirements to see if they say anything about “communicates with colleagues,” or “contributes to positive atmosphere” etc. if so, they could use those to penalize you for not going along. I’m not saying it’s likely, esp since this person is outside your org, but it’s possible.

Maybe I would try to redirect at the circle. Try to get them to focus on actual work and tangible effects (if any), not just feelings. I’d also set limits for the circle thing. Say upfront that you only have fifteen minutes, and you want a very clear objective in mind, even if it’s just making the person “feel heard” (ick), so once that’s over you can say, mission accomplished, were done here!

+1 Play the game OP. Fighting it will not work for you if you've got leadership in both organizations saying that this is their fix. It is a sign of the times. It will pass eventually but for right now you need to accept it and play along even though it is pretty clear that Larla is trying to bully you into doing what she wants.

I wouldn't set limits or even be tongue-in-cheek. I would use the popular culture parlance to my advantage though. So basically go with "I'm hurt and upset that Larla didn't approach me personally before going to supervisors," and "I'm feeling intimidated and pressured that I will always have to act on Larla's input even when it may not be in the best interest of the organization or our goals," and "I'm feeling like we are undermining our clients when we arbitrarily enact staff choices without hearing the voices of our clients."

I forgot to mention the survey. Don't give them ammunition by completing it. Just respond politely that you won't have time to complete the survey but you are fully engaged in the process and looking the healing for both parties that will come from the circle. If they push back during the circle then just say this is all so upsetting and you're feeling attacked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with an open mind. You might learn something.

This.

You clearly didn’t handle this well. You went into it feeling superior, pulled rank, and it backfired. Now it’s become a “thing” because this is the new normal.

Tell your boss that you will comply and participate, but you are concerned about your professional reputation and that of your organization (try to get your boss to have skin in the game) and that you would like to strategize on next steps.

Here’s the thing about the new normal:

- Sometimes no is a legit answer.
- Sometimes push back is legit.
- Everyone needs to behave professionally.
- Everyone should always be prepared to answer questions and engage.
- Email leaves a paper trail and is easily misinterpreted. Always pick up the phone for these conversations, and be pleasant. Lots of, “I hear you, but I have a question/suggestion.”

"Feeling superior"? This person gave instructions to OP's own team. That's just...wildly inappropriate. OP IS superior to this person, and Little Miss Fee-Fees needs to recognize that she can't give orders to other people's employees.

It’s not her subordinate. They work at different orgs. And, the fact they landed in this healing circle tells me the victim’s org is upset and siding with her—and so is the OP’s org (her own supervisor and org obviously think she screwed up or at the very least realize their org’s relationship and reputation are on the line).

You people are clueless. Sometimes you need to fall on your sword when it comes to preserving business relations. It’s either that, or accept that your pride and attitude might make you the sacrificial lamb. #business101

Actually, you are clueless. It is a joint project between two organizations. The organizations are collaborating. This other person is OP's junior and that means that this other person IS indeed OP's subordinate on this project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My small non-profit collaborates with another. Long story, short - one of their employees who is junior to me and supports my work when I am on the ground there sent an email to my team with directives around some next steps. I responded that I was open to modifying next steps, but that there would need to be a process for deciding that - including hearing the voices of the clients - and once decided, I would communicate with my team myself.

She felt that her "feedback" was rejected, and I was focused more on process than content. She shared that with her boss who then shared it with mine. My boss called me and explained that the other colleague is feeling unheard, and I acknowledged that I could see how that happened, and that I would call her and sort it out. I was asked not to call her [we never communicated again after the two message email exchange], and I was told that their organization wanted a facilitated call. That is outside of our organizational practices which say that we have to try and solve problems directly with the people affected before escalating. Anyway, the facilitated call was insisted upon, and I agreed.

And then, today, I got an email from someone else in their organization inviting me to a "healing circle" and asking that I fill out a form with my I-statements and talking about how we were going to get together in a safe space to discuss issues that are "causing harm."

WTF??? I feel like I am being forced into this, and I absolutely do not want to do it. I just simply want to say, "no thank you."

I am wondering about asking my boss directly what would be the consequences if I just refuse to do it. She agrees that it is weird and asking a lot but thinks I should just "go with the flow."
Important to add, I am older and white and the person who wants the circle is younger and Latina. I feel a lot of risk to my reputation here no matter what I do.

HELP!?

Omg this would drive me nuts. The staff in that other group will never make it in the real world. No advice but sympathies, OP. (But my first impression is that your organization should back you up).