How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are never, ever going to get them to see the light. You are wasting huge amounts of your emotional bandwidth trying to get them to change. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to actually be no contact and not care what they think.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

I think with professional help you can work through a lot of these hard feelings and then revisit the parental relationship. I wish you the best. Please don’t harm yourself, there are resources available for you.

I won’t harm myself, I have good people around me now. But now I know why my brother killed himself 15 years ago and why my parents think it had nothing to do with them.

What mental disorders did he have?

[Anonymous]

OP. Simplest answer. Something totally in your control.
To stop hearing "we have no idea" stop hearing from those people.

To stop being hurt by people persisting in doing or saying things no matter how hard you try to communicate, stop communicating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s easier to weep over having “no idea” than to do the work to do better. They also get more sympathy from other “no idea” parents/families.

+1. It sounds like they couldn't even handle your negative feelings about things that have nothing to do with them, like work. There's no way they can handle accepting that they did something wrong to you. People who can't take accountability are the weakest people in the world. They may put on a tough front and deflect everything back to you, but they are the emotional equivalent of toddlers. Stop trying to make them react the way you want them to. They aren't capable. You're welcome to stay away from them if that's what you need. You owe them nothing.

Emotionally your parents are stunted. They don’t have the capacity to regulate through difficult emotions. They never learned and now there is no way they can after decades of avoiding and dismissing their own and everyone else’s emotions…

It’s not emotionally healthy to grow up in a house where people do harmful things and have no capacity for self reflection or repair. You need to parent yourself through. Your parents were not able to do it and they will never be able to do it. There is never going to be repair and they will never be able to admit wrongdoing. You deserved parents that could give that to you. You also can’t control their reactions. They will frame the estrangement in whatever way is emotionally safe and easy for them and since they have no capacity for introspection it will be that they don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally your parents are stunted. They don’t have the capacity to regulate through difficult emotions. They never learned and now there is no way they can after decades of avoiding and dismissing their own and everyone else’s emotions…

It’s not emotionally healthy to grow up in a house where people do harmful things and have no capacity for self reflection or repair. You need to parent yourself through. Your parents were not able to do it and they will never be able to do it. There is never going to be repair and they will never be able to admit wrongdoing. You deserved parents that could give that to you. You also can’t control their reactions. They will frame the estrangement in whatever way is emotionally safe and easy for them and since they have no capacity for introspection it will be that they don’t know.


This is great advice ^^^^

[Anonymous]

If you are truly NC, you won’t communicate anything with them.

So, are you asking how to open up your communication with them again?

You seem confused so I’d suggest therapy. Really, no one here will probably be able to help but a good therapist can.

[Anonymous]

My parents are lovely. They don't want to hear about my stressful job. Your parents are who they are; love them or not; but they won't change.

There are certain things we talk about and certain things we don't. I take them for face value.

[Anonymous]

You sound spoiled, OP. You want what you want on your terms not theirs. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound spoiled, OP. You want what you want on your terms not theirs. Grow up.

LOL, that's a new accusation, so your definition of spoil your child is "ignore and dismiss all his feelings his entire life".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound spoiled, OP. You want what you want on your terms not theirs. Grow up.

LOL, that's a new accusation, so your definition of spoil your child is "ignore and dismiss all his feelings his entire life".

That is a spoiled child’s thought pattern, anyway.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

+1. your parents sound fine. you sound immature, and looking for conflict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried flipping your own perspective here? It sounds like they are done dealing with your drama, so they go NC with you when you start up again. That's what I get from your post anyway.

OP here. No, they try to contact me, and if I say "I miss you too, I think people who love each other should be able to resolve conflicts so can we talk?", they would shut down with "ugh, why do you hate us so much, bye", then after a while, they would reach out again as if past 2 years didn't exist, with a cheerful "heyyyy, how are you doing?", as if any answer other than "I doing good" is acceptable.

They are clearly not going to give you the relationship on your terms. You can love the parents you have while setting your own boundaries, or have no relationship. That’s your choice. You can’t force or manipulate people to change.

[Anonymous]

How negative are you? I have a sibling who is practically NC for us for similar reasons. Reality is they are almost ALWAYS negative, always complaining about their work, us, their spouse, their friends, everything. It’s draining and we all usually ignore it and try to only engage when they are more positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

+1. your parents sound fine. you sound immature, and looking for conflict

This. A 5 page letter is not a constructive way to communicate within a family. Especially if you actually want to engage going forward. Seems super immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

+1. your parents sound fine. you sound immature, and looking for conflict

This. A 5 page letter is not a constructive way to communicate within a family. Especially if you actually want to engage going forward. Seems super immature.

My “keyboard commando”sibling might benefit from this thread