How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

There is no reason to be no contact from what you describe. You just stop expecting more from them. Boundaries dear. Treat them like an acquaintance - super easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

Remember you reap what you sow. Your children are watching and know how to treat you as they grow up.

Since I don’t beat them with a belt, wash their mouths with soap, or leave them to walk miles home after kicking them out of the car, and as I always apologize when I’m wrong, I’m not too worried about that.
So you are now starting to provide details or just made this up? It looks like 1960 parenting, not 1980s or 90s parenting. I mean, come on.

You’re cute for trying so hard, though.

This sounds like 1960s parenting, not 80s or 90s parenting...which is why your credibility is waning here.
And those who had 60s parenting aren't writing a page letters. We grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is too short. You’ll regret this childish behavior. They are old and not going to change. Try to look for the good in them - they’ll soon be gone forever.

It is not childish to expect people to apologize when they have wronged are harmed you, and stop harmful behavior when asked.

It IS childish to expect people to continue wanting to be around you or engage with you when you ignore their feelings, fail to own up to your mistakes, refuse to apologize when you are wrong, and generally treat them with dismissal and disrespect.

Want a healthy adult relationship, with anyone? Treat them with respect, kindness, openness and authenticity.

It is extraordinarily selfish and childish for grown adults to think they can treat people with disrespect, with no consequences.

Ok, but for all of OP's word salad, it's still unclear to me what "harm" her parents caused and what their harmful behavior was that warrents estrangement as punishment. Look, if she doesn't like them and doesn't want to be in contact anymore, fine, but at some point we all need to grow up and take some responsibility rather than continuing to blame our parents (or siblings) for everything that's gone wrong in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is too short. You’ll regret this childish behavior. They are old and not going to change. Try to look for the good in them - they’ll soon be gone forever.

It is not childish to expect people to apologize when they have wronged are harmed you, and stop harmful behavior when asked.

It IS childish to expect people to continue wanting to be around you or engage with you when you ignore their feelings, fail to own up to your mistakes, refuse to apologize when you are wrong, and generally treat them with dismissal and disrespect.

Want a healthy adult relationship, with anyone? Treat them with respect, kindness, openness and authenticity.

It is extraordinarily selfish and childish for grown adults to think they can treat people with disrespect, with no consequences.

Ok, but for all of OP's word salad, it's still unclear to me what "harm" her parents caused and what their harmful behavior was that warrents estrangement as punishment. Look, if she doesn't like them and doesn't want to be in contact anymore, fine, but at some point we all need to grow up and take some responsibility rather than continuing to blame our parents (or siblings) for everything that's gone wrong in our lives.

The correct advice for this era!
Just grow TF up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

I’m far from being a Boomer or Gen X and I think OP is largely a tantruming narcissist who can’t see that her parents are gray rocking her to deal with her. You are correct that someone here needs to take responsibility for her actions, but it’s not OPs parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that OP is between the ages of 22 and 29 years old.

OP - this is a tale as old as time, particularly between generations on either side of the "emotions are good and healthy!" divide. You grow up, you learn to be an adult, you learn to communicate, and to manage and express your emotions. Then see your parents in a whole new light - and it's sucky. They've got Faults. Big ones. Ones that you would never want in a friend or in a relationship, or with your kids, and they negatively impact your relationship with them. And just as you learned and grew and figured it out between the ages of 12 and 22, you want THEM to learn and grow and figure it out and you know life will be better for them and you guys will have a much better relationship. And if you can just communicate clearly and express yourself well and get through to them, and if they would just do the bare minimum of the objectively right thing (listening and having empathy for their beloved child) then things would be fine!

It's not. going. to. happen.

They will never change, ever. They're Boomers, right? They didn't grow up with emotional empathy being positive, they never learned how to do it, and they're not going to it now. Nothing you say will change them. They will not change. NEVER. This does NOT mean they don't love you, but that love is NEVER going to look like you think it should.

The first step is accepting this, which you clearly have not done. When you say this: "not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference" - that is ABSOLUTELY expecting them to change. They don't acknowledge feelings. That's not who they are.

The second step is taking a step back and saying "have they really done something so awful that the right path is to never see them again, despite the fact that I love them and they worked their butts off to raise me." That happens, even when there's love on both sides. Were they abusive? Do they do things like constantly berate you, curse at you, are they cruel to you? Do they cross boundaries, like freaking out when you don't answer the phone, calling you 20 times in a row and then calling the police? Are they mean and nasty all the time? There are situations where no contact makes total sense, and I really feel for the people who have to deal with that.

But nothing you're saying says that no contact is the right next step. They don't want to hear anything negative and they don't express any empathy and your conversations shut down when there's conflict, so everything feels very shallow? Um, okay that's like more than 50% of Boomer parents/grandparents. This is not worth cutting them off. You need to develop some thicker skin, recognize it's not about you (if they loved me wouldn't they... no. They're emotionally stunted, so no), and set some reasonable boundaries so that you can spend time with them without tearing your hair out. So - positive stories, save your complaining for people who will get it. Find something neutral and fun to do that isn't so much talking (card games? Board games? Follow sports together?) Limit the quantity of time (quarterly?) so it's manageable for you. And ride this out.

In other words: Refusing to see your parents who you claim to love for two years its a much bigger transgression than anything they've done to you, unless you're leaving out a bunch of stuff.

This. I’m older than OP and have my own family now but OP’s parents sound a lot like my boomer in laws. They are complete emotional potatoes and literally would not understand or probably read a 5 page letter that anyone wrote to them about something other than the weather or like some holiday tradition lol. They will never wake up from the emotional veil they have over themselves, it’s not something they even realize is there.
That said, they’re nice people who express their love in their sort of limited ways and I’ve come around to appreciating them. Their limitedness frustrates my husband but he accepts them, tempers his expectations, and does love and care for them.
That all said, they’re not my parents, so I get it must be hard to get this vibe from the people who raised you once you’ve grown beyond it. But I think if you want some kind of relationship you have to search for acknowledgment and emotional maturity elsewhere and just accept who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It is not easy to let go. My father was financially successful, but hated me with a fierce passion. Always called me fat dumb and lazy, and inexplicably, gay (not the case). Consistently abused. I reacted relatively calmly and at 18 and left for university entirely on my own, financially and otherwise. Attended university on an athletic scholarship and did very well academically in both undergrad and grad. A professional success with two great kids and a long marriage. I couldn’t build a life with my father around.

After five decades of no contact, a friend of his called me to inform me he passed away. I did not go to the memorial service because I didn’t really know him. I determined my closure was in understanding there would be no closure.

Over the decades I wanted to have a fatherly connection but I had to be logical and realize it wasn’t possible. You have to walk your own path. It isn’t easy.

I was much more involved with my mother. It wasn’t a parent child relationship. She was an unemployed severe addict in my teen years and throughout my 20’s, and I stood by her out of fear of if I didn’t she wouldn’t have made it. She was a kind person but never adulted throughout her life. I loved her though so I had the emotions of frustrated expectations. I actually st times found the no contact thing with my father less turbulent.

I had a twin brother who passed away prematurely and who was grossly favored by both my parents. A brilliant athlete and scholar who achieved general wealth on his own, he lived to dominate to overcome his circumstances- it killed him as living a life with the intensity of a 100 suns takes its toll. He had nothing to do with either my mother or father. I was a boundary setter for him - the only one in his life. Clearly I failed. Being the grossly disfavored twin was a blessing- it made leaving much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It is not easy to let go. My father was financially successful, but hated me with a fierce passion. Always called me fat dumb and lazy, and inexplicably, gay (not the case). Consistently abused. I reacted relatively calmly and at 18 and left for university entirely on my own, financially and otherwise. Attended university on an athletic scholarship and did very well academically in both undergrad and grad. A professional success with two great kids and a long marriage. I couldn’t build a life with my father around.

After five decades of no contact, a friend of his called me to inform me he passed away. I did not go to the memorial service because I didn’t really know him. I determined my closure was in understanding there would be no closure.

Over the decades I wanted to have a fatherly connection but I had to be logical and realize it wasn’t possible. You have to walk your own path. It isn’t easy.

I was much more involved with my mother. It wasn’t a parent child relationship. She was an unemployed severe addict in my teen years and throughout my 20’s, and I stood by her out of fear of if I didn’t she wouldn’t have made it. She was a kind person but never adulted throughout her life. I loved her though so I had the emotions of frustrated expectations. I actually st times found the no contact thing with my father less turbulent.

I had a twin brother who passed away prematurely and who was grossly favored by both my parents. A brilliant athlete and scholar who achieved general wealth on his own, he lived to dominate to overcome his circumstances- it killed him as living a life with the intensity of a 100 suns takes its toll. He had nothing to do with either my mother or father. I was a boundary setter for him - the only one in his life. Clearly I failed. Being the grossly disfavored twin was a blessing- it made leaving much easier.

I’m so sorry. Some of us don’t get the parents we deserve. It sounds like you have persevered and built a wonderful life for yourself.
I’m disfavored too. But I have peace in my life.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know OP but likely my parents do the same. What the did is so f*ed up I can’t even begin to explain it here. I am no contact. It hurts but they are the past and I am my own future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It is not easy to let go. My father was financially successful, but hated me with a fierce passion. Always called me fat dumb and lazy, and inexplicably, gay (not the case). Consistently abused. I reacted relatively calmly and at 18 and left for university entirely on my own, financially and otherwise. Attended university on an athletic scholarship and did very well academically in both undergrad and grad. A professional success with two great kids and a long marriage. I couldn’t build a life with my father around.

After five decades of no contact, a friend of his called me to inform me he passed away. I did not go to the memorial service because I didn’t really know him. I determined my closure was in understanding there would be no closure.

Over the decades I wanted to have a fatherly connection but I had to be logical and realize it wasn’t possible. You have to walk your own path. It isn’t easy.

I was much more involved with my mother. It wasn’t a parent child relationship. She was an unemployed severe addict in my teen years and throughout my 20’s, and I stood by her out of fear of if I didn’t she wouldn’t have made it. She was a kind person but never adulted throughout her life. I loved her though so I had the emotions of frustrated expectations. I actually st times found the no contact thing with my father less turbulent.

I had a twin brother who passed away prematurely and who was grossly favored by both my parents. A brilliant athlete and scholar who achieved general wealth on his own, he lived to dominate to overcome his circumstances- it killed him as living a life with the intensity of a 100 suns takes its toll. He had nothing to do with either my mother or father. I was a boundary setter for him - the only one in his life. Clearly I failed. Being the grossly disfavored twin was a blessing- it made leaving much easier.

I’m so sorry. Some of us don’t get the parents we deserve. It sounds like you have persevered and built a wonderful life for yourself.
I’m disfavored too. But I have peace in my life.

Yes! Disfavored daughter here. We should start our own club. Thank you for those who shared your experiences, it can be so lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It is not easy to let go. My father was financially successful, but hated me with a fierce passion. Always called me fat dumb and lazy, and inexplicably, gay (not the case). Consistently abused. I reacted relatively calmly and at 18 and left for university entirely on my own, financially and otherwise. Attended university on an athletic scholarship and did very well academically in both undergrad and grad. A professional success with two great kids and a long marriage. I couldn’t build a life with my father around.

After five decades of no contact, a friend of his called me to inform me he passed away. I did not go to the memorial service because I didn’t really know him. I determined my closure was in understanding there would be no closure.

Over the decades I wanted to have a fatherly connection but I had to be logical and realize it wasn’t possible. You have to walk your own path. It isn’t easy.

I was much more involved with my mother. It wasn’t a parent child relationship. She was an unemployed severe addict in my teen years and throughout my 20’s, and I stood by her out of fear of if I didn’t she wouldn’t have made it. She was a kind person but never adulted throughout her life. I loved her though so I had the emotions of frustrated expectations. I actually st times found the no contact thing with my father less turbulent.

I had a twin brother who passed away prematurely and who was grossly favored by both my parents. A brilliant athlete and scholar who achieved general wealth on his own, he lived to dominate to overcome his circumstances- it killed him as living a life with the intensity of a 100 suns takes its toll. He had nothing to do with either my mother or father. I was a boundary setter for him - the only one in his life. Clearly I failed. Being the grossly disfavored twin was a blessing- it made leaving much easier.

I’m so sorry. Some of us don’t get the parents we deserve. It sounds like you have persevered and built a wonderful life for yourself.
I’m disfavored too. But I have peace in my life.

Yes! Disfavored daughter here. We should start our own club. Thank you for those who shared your experiences, it can be so lonely.

I was not only my mom's least favorite, she despised me. Weirdly, I was my dad's favorite. It was a confusing childhood and I never understood why my mom didn't love me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.


—yep
And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

It's so weird that you have staked out this position and believe it to be the high ground.

I doubt very much there are any Boomers on this thread -- Boomers are in their 70s and 80s for the most part now (the youngest ones would be mid-60s) and Boomers by and large had their children (GenX) at a much younger age than people did now. So I would wager most of the people replying here from a parent's POV are GenX.

Don't mess with GenX. We don't give a flying eff. Really, we don't. We love our children, but threatening us with emotional manipulation unless we contort ourselves to your bizarre worldview isn't going to get you the results you want. Next week marks the 40th anniversary of us watching a teacher explode in real-time on live TV and then we were sent back to class. We roamed the streets until the lights came on. We drank from the hose. Our parents told us to stop crying or they'd give us something to cry about. We tried to do better with our own kids, but you're not going to succeed in bullying us with this kind of an attitude. Go on and take your ball and go home. We're not going to chase. We'll be fine. Nothing can hurt us anymore.

Ultimately, it will be YOUR regret, anyway.

[Anonymous]

your parents might be emotionally unavailable narcs.

maybe they grew up unheard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It is not easy to let go. My father was financially successful, but hated me with a fierce passion. Always called me fat dumb and lazy, and inexplicably, gay (not the case). Consistently abused. I reacted relatively calmly and at 18 and left for university entirely on my own, financially and otherwise. Attended university on an athletic scholarship and did very well academically in both undergrad and grad. A professional success with two great kids and a long marriage. I couldn’t build a life with my father around.

After five decades of no contact, a friend of his called me to inform me he passed away. I did not go to the memorial service because I didn’t really know him. I determined my closure was in understanding there would be no closure.

Over the decades I wanted to have a fatherly connection but I had to be logical and realize it wasn’t possible. You have to walk your own path. It isn’t easy.

I was much more involved with my mother. It wasn’t a parent child relationship. She was an unemployed severe addict in my teen years and throughout my 20’s, and I stood by her out of fear of if I didn’t she wouldn’t have made it. She was a kind person but never adulted throughout her life. I loved her though so I had the emotions of frustrated expectations. I actually st times found the no contact thing with my father less turbulent.

I had a twin brother who passed away prematurely and who was grossly favored by both my parents. A brilliant athlete and scholar who achieved general wealth on his own, he lived to dominate to overcome his circumstances- it killed him as living a life with the intensity of a 100 suns takes its toll. He had nothing to do with either my mother or father. I was a boundary setter for him - the only one in his life. Clearly I failed. Being the grossly disfavored twin was a blessing- it made leaving much easier.

I’m so sorry. Some of us don’t get the parents we deserve. It sounds like you have persevered and built a wonderful life for yourself.
I’m disfavored too. But I have peace in my life.

Yes! Disfavored daughter here. We should start our own club. Thank you for those who shared your experiences, it can be so lonely.

It was not easy being treated poorly, but the result of that treatment was leaving my parents at 18. I mean I was poor, but only in a transitory sense. I had terrific freedom and didn't abuse it. No drugs, no alcohol, learned to like my own path. Traveled for athletics, living on per diem and the two for one Hardee's coupons. So not a victim in any way. After my first paycheck after college, I ran to the grocery store and relished I could afford a block of Velveeta, of all things. I don't appreciate those days enough, especially living an upper middle class life. I do get the loneliness thing. I came back from the Penn Relays and immediately went to the grade board. In an honors class of 13', I learned I was one of two to receive highest honors, The best feeling ever. I didn't have a social life so couldn't share with anyone. I reacted by sprinting with joy back to my campus apartment, asking what the heck did I do that for? But I knew my future was forever changed. Very lucky.,The honors adviser took a chance on me. There are good people out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It is not easy to let go. My father was financially successful, but hated me with a fierce passion. Always called me fat dumb and lazy, and inexplicably, gay (not the case). Consistently abused. I reacted relatively calmly and at 18 and left for university entirely on my own, financially and otherwise. Attended university on an athletic scholarship and did very well academically in both undergrad and grad. A professional success with two great kids and a long marriage. I couldn’t build a life with my father around.

After five decades of no contact, a friend of his called me to inform me he passed away. I did not go to the memorial service because I didn’t really know him. I determined my closure was in understanding there would be no closure.

Over the decades I wanted to have a fatherly connection but I had to be logical and realize it wasn’t possible. You have to walk your own path. It isn’t easy.

I was much more involved with my mother. It wasn’t a parent child relationship. She was an unemployed severe addict in my teen years and throughout my 20’s, and I stood by her out of fear of if I didn’t she wouldn’t have made it. She was a kind person but never adulted throughout her life. I loved her though so I had the emotions of frustrated expectations. I actually st times found the no contact thing with my father less turbulent.

I had a twin brother who passed away prematurely and who was grossly favored by both my parents. A brilliant athlete and scholar who achieved general wealth on his own, he lived to dominate to overcome his circumstances- it killed him as living a life with the intensity of a 100 suns takes its toll. He had nothing to do with either my mother or father. I was a boundary setter for him - the only one in his life. Clearly I failed. Being the grossly disfavored twin was a blessing- it made leaving much easier.

I’m so sorry. Some of us don’t get the parents we deserve. It sounds like you have persevered and built a wonderful life for yourself.
I’m disfavored too. But I have peace in my life.

Yes! Disfavored daughter here. We should start our own club. Thank you for those who shared your experiences, it can be so lonely.

I was not only my mom's least favorite, she despised me. Weirdly, I was my dad's favorite. It was a confusing childhood and I never understood why my mom didn't love me.

Were you a traumatic birth? I had a traumatic birth with my first, and family pretty much took him out of my arms and made themselves my guests the second visiting hours started. It went on for weeks.

It really screwed up my ability to bond with him - I have to work at it constantly even now. My bond with my second - born during the height of Covid restrictions - was so much more natural, even though he was objectively a harder baby.