How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this does not come across as rude, which is not my intent; you sound very sensitive, fragile, emotional. Maybe small things rile you up and fester with you. A five page letter sounds excessive to me. So maybe what they have said to hurt you really isn’t a big deal, but to you it is. Like maybe they didn’t complement the clothing you were wearing one day for them is not a big deal, but you felt like it was a huge slap in the face. That is more on you than on them.

Agree. The 5 page letter would have been better written in a journal or left in your desk drawer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

You should have edited it and used bullet points. Otherwise it was probably a lot of hot air and had them rolling their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

You should have edited it and used bullet points. Otherwise it was probably a lot of hot air and had them rolling their eyes.

Even so, loving parents would have responded with more than "well you must really hate us." Any grownup I have ever heard use that phrase was the emotional equivalent of a toddler. It's not a reasonable response to any serious conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this does not come across as rude, which is not my intent; you sound very sensitive, fragile, emotional. Maybe small things rile you up and fester with you. A five page letter sounds excessive to me. So maybe what they have said to hurt you really isn’t a big deal, but to you it is. Like maybe they didn’t complement the clothing you were wearing one day for them is not a big deal, but you felt like it was a huge slap in the face. That is more on you than on them.

I am not a toddler, you are describing a toddler. Also, if a toddler did that, I think the parents should at least talk to him/her about why that's not good behavior, set rules, make expectations clear, instead of total ignore leaving the child feel abandoned. - OP

[Anonymous]

You wrote a five page missive FRONT AND BACK to them and are confused why they couldn't extrapolate from your ramblings what your issue is? You need to learn to meet people where they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

You should have edited it and used bullet points. Otherwise it was probably a lot of hot air and had them rolling their eyes.

Even so, loving parents would have responded with more than "well you must really hate us." Any grownup I have ever heard use that phrase was the emotional equivalent of a toddler. It's not a reasonable response to any serious conversation.

Depends what you wrote. But a 5 page letter isn't a serious start to an open conversation. It's an attack and they are automatically going on the defensive. Who told you this was a good idea?

[Anonymous]

I went through this with my mother. Such people are lying to themselves and to others. You will NEVER get them to acknowledge anything, or apologize. You need to live your life as if they weren't there, or if you want to reconnect, you've got to enforce boundaries. I have renewed contact with my parents but the trust is gone and the contact is superficial. They probably don't realize how much I have lost respect for them. I don't share anything that can be used as ammunition against me, if I can at all help it.

It's sad, but that's how it is. The one positive outcome is that I don't treat my own children like my parents have treated me. I try to be humble, supportive and attuned to their needs. My kids are young adults and teens, and so far, so good. When I was their age, I was already in conflict with my abusive mother and absent father. I just want to break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried flipping your own perspective here? It sounds like they are done dealing with your drama, so they go NC with you when you start up again. That's what I get from your post anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

You should have edited it and used bullet points. Otherwise it was probably a lot of hot air and had them rolling their eyes.

Even so, loving parents would have responded with more than "well you must really hate us." Any grownup I have ever heard use that phrase was the emotional equivalent of a toddler. It's not a reasonable response to any serious conversation.

Depends what you wrote. But a 5 page letter isn't a serious start to an open conversation. It's an attack and they are automatically going on the defensive. Who told you this was a good idea?

It doesn't matter, 1 sentence, 1 paragraph, 1 page, 5 pages, or 10. Response will be the same. You can't communicate to people who are determined to misunderstand you.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing they have no idea because they were usually never "trying" to hurt you so they don't get it when you were hurt. In their own minds, they were "doing their best" and no one's perfect etc.

I have had tastes of it over time. Like the time I told my 14 yo son in the car that no he could not miss his hockey game to take a girl we'd never met and he'd only met online to a junior high prom at another school and it turned into a whole "so thanks mom and dad for telling me you don't think someone could be interested in me!"

He also once got mad coming home to visit from college where he spent the whole day visiting everyone else and after several "I'll just be a bit delayed" he said he'd be at my house at around 9:30pm and I said, "it's OK I am just done and going to sleep" and he took that as some kind of hostile "I AM DONE !!! (with you)" etc. when I was just basically face-planting after waiting the whole day for him to come around.

His last stop had been my in-laws and they said it was shameful that I got mad at him for staying so long there. I wasn't even mad at all. I was seriously just falling asleep and was entirely okay with stuff just going to the next day.

I really didn't even understand what I'd done wrong, but he took those two things as great offenses at the time. Now he doesn't, of course.

The same "prom girl" he eventually did date for a while also threw a conniption fit a few years later when she wanted him to take him to another prom and he told her we were making him stay to take his final exams that day at his prep school until 4pm, throwing her entire timeline off course.

She was such a pill she wouldn't even let me take pictures of them while I was helping him dress in his tux in the parking lot of her HS to help them make the bus to the fancy hotel. She wouldn't even look me in the eye and turned away when I tried to hug her.

He says today he realizes it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

You should have edited it and used bullet points. Otherwise it was probably a lot of hot air and had them rolling their eyes.

Even so, loving parents would have responded with more than "well you must really hate us." Any grownup I have ever heard use that phrase was the emotional equivalent of a toddler. It's not a reasonable response to any serious conversation.

Depends what you wrote. But a 5 page letter isn't a serious start to an open conversation. It's an attack and they are automatically going on the defensive. Who told you this was a good idea?

It doesn't matter, 1 sentence, 1 paragraph, 1 page, 5 pages, or 10. Response will be the same. You can't communicate to people who are determined to misunderstand you.

Then stop trying. Just let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP I had parents like this. Lots of surface you're amazing, we're proud of you, we love you but if I made any attempt to express any real feelings or thoughts, they were not interested and the whole conversation was shut down. Lots of pretending and gaslighting if any actual truths were stated about past or current things said and done. Pretending we were some great family was the only acceptable version of reality.

The reason why OP is writing a 5 page letter is the dynamic has likely been going on for decades and a lot of resentment builds up. Turns out when you sweep your feelings under the rug for decades, it leads to a pretty big damn pile under the rug that you are tripping over constantly. So people picking on her for doing that, you just don't get it. It's a long and complex road to get to a place like this with parents.

OP, you need to detach emotionally from them and stop caring about it all so much.

My path with my parents (who are now dead) was one annual visit that was fake and performative and not all that fun but I checked the box. A grey rock phone call once every couple weeks. When they were old, I helped them. They were not a real part of my life and didn't really know me at all as an adult and I invested in relationships in my life that were more authentic. I have zero regrets.

With my own children, what I have tried to parent with is the idea that people will forgive most things if you listen openly and honestly and respond honestly and apologize. Yes, really just validate and say I'm sorry. It's not that hard but for some people it's apparently very very hard. I am not a perfect person or parent so if my children say something to me, I listen carefully, think about it and acknowledge it and we move on. All you can do is break the cycle with your own children.

[Anonymous]

I once wrote a 2 page letter about grievances and realized the people you usually address those to are already entrenched in their feelings and don't want to be told otherwise.

Best is a short, to the point message, if anything.

"We have our differences, they are not going to be resolved today"

[Anonymous]

In your parents' defense, I also have no idea what your issue is with them. Nothing you have written so far is worth the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried flipping your own perspective here? It sounds like they are done dealing with your drama, so they go NC with you when you start up again. That's what I get from your post anyway.

OP here. No, they try to contact me, and if I say "I miss you too, I think people who love each other should be able to resolve conflicts so can we talk?", they would shut down with "ugh, why do you hate us so much, bye", then after a while, they would reach out again as if past 2 years didn't exist, with a cheerful "heyyyy, how are you doing?", as if any answer other than "I doing good" is acceptable.