How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

I think with professional help you can work through a lot of these hard feelings and then revisit the parental relationship. I wish you the best. Please don’t harm yourself, there are resources available for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

I think with professional help you can work through a lot of these hard feelings and then revisit the parental relationship. I wish you the best. Please don’t harm yourself, there are resources available for you.

I won’t harm myself, I have good people around me now. But now I know why my brother killed himself 15 years ago and why my parents think it had nothing to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

This. That’s what I thought when i read your post OP. MY SIL and an ex best friend make me run for cover. Their idea of sharing their emotions is to agressively share grievances. It hurts. I don’t want conflict and I don’t want to engage with people who share negative emotions at a level that I cannot manage. I can discuss emotions when people stay calm.

Their sentence « I cannot deal with this right now » made me wonder if that could be what’s at stake here. Not saying you are necessarily like that : sharing intense negative emotions when others are not ready for it. But maybe worth asking yourself that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

This. That’s what I thought when i read your post OP. MY SIL and an ex best friend make me run for cover. Their idea of sharing their emotions is to agressively share grievances. It hurts. I don’t want conflict and I don’t want to engage with people who share negative emotions at a level that I cannot manage. I can discuss emotions when people stay calm.

Their sentence « I cannot deal with this right now » made me wonder if that could be what’s at stake here. Not saying you are necessarily like that : sharing intense negative emotions when others are not ready for it. But maybe worth asking yourself that question.

Nevermind OP, I responded without having read beyond the first 2 pages and see now your additional clarifications. That doesn’t seem to be your situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute.

+1. I really wish you the best OP but you need to talk to someone to work through these feelings. Many of us wish we could lean on our parents more but it isn't always possible and you can't change them. I'm not sure cutting off contact is the answer here but again this may be something to work out with help of a professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

Estrangement is the most effective statement in itself. You can't do better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute.

+1. I really wish you the best OP but you need to talk to someone to work through these feelings. Many of us wish we could lean on our parents more but it isn't always possible and you can't change them. I'm not sure cutting off contact is the answer here but again this may be something to work out with help of a professional.

Thank you, I feel that posting here lets me vent and even the negative comments from boomer warriors are helpful because their perspective made me reflect on myself. Was I too sensitive, was I too needy, was I dumping my negativity on them? did I act like a toddler? were they grey rocking me? Also, their persistence in trying to come up with excuses for my parents are eye-opening, and that's probably similar to my parents' thinking, so this helps me understand what's in their minds (since my parents won't say anything ever). Also, since English isn't my first language, posting on here helps me to learn new vocabulary and learn to express myself more effectively.

My parents have no negative emotion, at least they never show any. After their son (my brother) killed himself, they most emotion they've ever shown was "ugh, but we still have a lot of good things to be grateful for". They took no responsibility at all, to this day, they have no idea that he killed himself because he constantly felt like shit (the same feeling I have now) when he was around them, because they always dismissed his feelings, and when you do that on a 100% basis, it made the person feel worthless. Also, you would think parents whose young son committed suicide would seek therapy, right? No, not them, why would they need that? It was not their fault in their mind, and they "still have so much to be happy about in their lives". Now they are losing me too, I'm sure they will find joy in other things and carry on.

This is very very painful, I tell myself that this is a price I have to pay to break the generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

So, NOW you are telling us about the suicide? On Page 10?

[Anonymous]

OP, all this talk about feeling worthless, etc. That's mental illness. It's not your parents. Please seek help. That's inherently inate.

Your feelings aren't valid. Your anxiety and depression are lying to you. And you're looking for a close and easy mark to blame.

Get help. I don't mean that flippantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute.

+1. I really wish you the best OP but you need to talk to someone to work through these feelings. Many of us wish we could lean on our parents more but it isn't always possible and you can't change them. I'm not sure cutting off contact is the answer here but again this may be something to work out with help of a professional.

Thank you, I feel that posting here lets me vent and even the negative comments from boomer warriors are helpful because their perspective made me reflect on myself. Was I too sensitive, was I too needy, was I dumping my negativity on them? did I act like a toddler? were they grey rocking me? Also, their persistence in trying to come up with excuses for my parents are eye-opening, and that's probably similar to my parents' thinking, so this helps me understand what's in their minds (since my parents won't say anything ever). Also, since English isn't my first language, posting on here helps me to learn new vocabulary and learn to express myself more effectively.

My parents have no negative emotion, at least they never show any. After their son (my brother) killed himself, they most emotion they've ever shown was "ugh, but we still have a lot of good things to be grateful for". They took no responsibility at all, to this day, they have no idea that he killed himself because he constantly felt like shit (the same feeling I have now) when he was around them, because they always dismissed his feelings, and when you do that on a 100% basis, it made the person feel worthless. Also, you would think parents whose young son committed suicide would seek therapy, right? No, not them, why would they need that? It was not their fault in their mind, and they "still have so much to be happy about in their lives". Now they are losing me too, I'm sure they will find joy in other things and carry on.

This is very very painful, I tell myself that this is a price I have to pay to break the generational trauma.

Weren't you a young child when it happened? Your story gets more bizarre and outlandish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, NOW you are telling us about the suicide? On Page 10?

Yes, because the suicide is NOT a reason I went NC. But nothing will change your boomer warriors' mind anyway, just know that you are wrong and we who know what we are talking about know you are wrong. You keep find excuses that don't exist to say parents are all good, and when all your excuses are not working, you drop the bomb of "you are mentally ill". Also, if I mentioned it to begin with, you would say that I was manipulative, using my own sibling's suicide as a reason to punish parents, blah blah blah. Or, oh maybe you remembered wrong, maybe you killed him yourself and your parents protected you, maybe you didn't have a sibling, it's all imagination.

NO, you are the sick one, sick as mentally ill as well as mean and nasty. You are sick and gross.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute.

+1. I really wish you the best OP but you need to talk to someone to work through these feelings. Many of us wish we could lean on our parents more but it isn't always possible and you can't change them. I'm not sure cutting off contact is the answer here but again this may be something to work out with help of a professional.

Thank you, I feel that posting here lets me vent and even the negative comments from boomer warriors are helpful because their perspective made me reflect on myself. Was I too sensitive, was I too needy, was I dumping my negativity on them? did I act like a toddler? were they grey rocking me? Also, their persistence in trying to come up with excuses for my parents are eye-opening, and that's probably similar to my parents' thinking, so this helps me understand what's in their minds (since my parents won't say anything ever). Also, since English isn't my first language, posting on here helps me to learn new vocabulary and learn to express myself more effectively.

My parents have no negative emotion, at least they never show any. After their son (my brother) killed himself, they most emotion they've ever shown was "ugh, but we still have a lot of good things to be grateful for". They took no responsibility at all, to this day, they have no idea that he killed himself because he constantly felt like shit (the same feeling I have now) when he was around them, because they always dismissed his feelings, and when you do that on a 100% basis, it made the person feel worthless. Also, you would think parents whose young son committed suicide would seek therapy, right? No, not them, why would they need that? It was not their fault in their mind, and they "still have so much to be happy about in their lives". Now they are losing me too, I'm sure they will find joy in other things and carry on.

This is very very painful, I tell myself that this is a price I have to pay to break the generational trauma.

Weren't you a young child when it happened? Your story gets more bizarre and outlandish.

Really I was a child then? Base on your own guess??? Stop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, NOW you are telling us about the suicide? On Page 10?

Yes, because the suicide is NOT a reason I went NC. But nothing will change your boomer warriors' mind anyway, just know that you are wrong and we who know what we are talking about know you are wrong. You keep find excuses that don't exist to say parents are all good, and when all your excuses are not working, you drop the bomb of "you are mentally ill". Also, if I mentioned it to begin with, you would say that I was manipulative, using my own sibling's suicide as a reason to punish parents, blah blah blah. Or, oh maybe you remembered wrong, maybe you killed him yourself and your parents protected you, maybe you didn't have a sibling, it's all imagination.

NO, you are the sick one, sick as mentally ill as well as mean and nasty. You are sick and gross.

OP

NP - Your parents probably cannot handle your negative emotions in part BECAUSE of the pain of their son's suicide. If you start talking about how stressed, or in pain you are, they become afraid that these emotions will lead to the same thing. They are wounded also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute.

+1. I really wish you the best OP but you need to talk to someone to work through these feelings. Many of us wish we could lean on our parents more but it isn't always possible and you can't change them. I'm not sure cutting off contact is the answer here but again this may be something to work out with help of a professional.

Thank you, I feel that posting here lets me vent and even the negative comments from boomer warriors are helpful because their perspective made me reflect on myself. Was I too sensitive, was I too needy, was I dumping my negativity on them? did I act like a toddler? were they grey rocking me? Also, their persistence in trying to come up with excuses for my parents are eye-opening, and that's probably similar to my parents' thinking, so this helps me understand what's in their minds (since my parents won't say anything ever). Also, since English isn't my first language, posting on here helps me to learn new vocabulary and learn to express myself more effectively.

My parents have no negative emotion, at least they never show any. After their son (my brother) killed himself, they most emotion they've ever shown was "ugh, but we still have a lot of good things to be grateful for". They took no responsibility at all, to this day, they have no idea that he killed himself because he constantly felt like shit (the same feeling I have now) when he was around them, because they always dismissed his feelings, and when you do that on a 100% basis, it made the person feel worthless. Also, you would think parents whose young son committed suicide would seek therapy, right? No, not them, why would they need that? It was not their fault in their mind, and they "still have so much to be happy about in their lives". Now they are losing me too, I'm sure they will find joy in other things and carry on.

This is very very painful, I tell myself that this is a price I have to pay to break the generational trauma.

Weren't you a young child when it happened? Your story gets more bizarre and outlandish.

Really I was a child then? Base on your own guess??? Stop

My bad, you're just extremely immature, not to mention in serious need of help.