How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure that adults can dump on other adults (even their parents) and expect their parents to play therapist with them. Like even your example of a stressful job. If you have a stressful job, you can't just dump on your parents about your stressful job. If anything, that's the role of a spouse or a therapist. Sure you can briefly bring it up to friends or family, but it can't be constant.

Never expected them to play therapy, just feeling invisible when they just ignore and can't even say a "oh, sorry about your work, I hope it gets better", that would be the end of our conversation. It's definitely not constant. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love them, grow up, forgive them, and enjoy them while they are here. Life is too short.

It's not that simple, I do love them, and I forgive them, but at the same time, I can't just keep seeing them while feeling like they only want a superficial relationship, I don't feel good in interactions like that.

No it sounds like you want some deep rehashing of past wrongs. And that's not healthy either.

I have a great relationship with my parents, but I can't imagine continually bringing up things that they did wrong. I have my own thoughts on what they did wrong, but I just recognize they're human and move on.

Do you have kids? Or a spouse that you can talk to about it?

[Anonymous]

A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

My mom missed me so much and really wanted to see her grandchildren that eventually she opened up and let me unleash the 30+ years of rage for the complete a total emotional abuse and neglect - she had been denying and gaslighting me most of my life, telling me it’s my fault and I’m just too sensitive or I’m outright lying. When I finally told her - it took 3 very emotional conversations- she cried and cried at each one. Then something unusual happened she validated me and apologized profusely. She still slips into old habits sometimes, and I leave. Our relationship is so much better. I see her 3x/year for 4 days to a week - I can’t do much more as she never fails to fall into old habits. I’ve always been her least favorite child (still am).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

My mom missed me so much and really wanted to see her grandchildren that eventually she opened up and let me unleash the 30+ years of rage for the complete a total emotional abuse and neglect - she had been denying and gaslighting me most of my life, telling me it’s my fault and I’m just too sensitive or I’m outright lying. When I finally told her - it took 3 very emotional conversations- she cried and cried at each one. Then something unusual happened she validated me and apologized profusely. She still slips into old habits sometimes, and I leave. Our relationship is so much better. I see her 3x/year for 4 days to a week - I can’t do much more as she never fails to fall into old habits. I’ve always been her least favorite child (still am).

Is your relationship really better? Seems like from your end, but doesn't seem like she would agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure that adults can dump on other adults (even their parents) and expect their parents to play therapist with them. Like even your example of a stressful job. If you have a stressful job, you can't just dump on your parents about your stressful job. If anything, that's the role of a spouse or a therapist. Sure you can briefly bring it up to friends or family, but it can't be constant.

Never expected them to play therapy, just feeling invisible when they just ignore and can't even say a "oh, sorry about your work, I hope it gets better", that would be the end of our conversation. It's definitely not constant. - OP

I can see that the validation would be better.

It seems extreme to cut them off just because they don’t say your scripted lines, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are u an only child?

Sounds like OP is an only child with no kids or spouse and way too much time on her hands so she dwells on the past instead of living in the present. Get a hobby, find a partner, go to therapy, stop spinning your wheels, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

lol! I’d seriously laugh at your sister if she said this to me. I’d follow up with “I am very pro-animal rights and humans are my favorite animals- specifically my family and friends.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

They do not see therapy, they think therapy is for the weak. Yes, I believe the only way to have any relationship with them is to keep it surface level, but that doesn't feel good, who wants a surface level relationship with their parents? And the disconnection between their loving verbal expressions and their actual behaviors drives me crazy.

If my parents think of me the same way you think of your crazy sister, then I would want them to at least tell me, set boundaries, communicate, telling me I am crazy is better than "we don't know why you don't talk to us". Literally, if they could send a longer reply listing why they disagree, at least that shows that I exist, that they see me. The shutdown is what makes me feel invisible. I suppose this is why toddlers sometimes seek negative attention, because that's better than no attention? (even though I don't get it), in my case, I am not seeking attention, I just noticed this pattern in our interactions for all those years and became increasingly hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love them, grow up, forgive them, and enjoy them while they are here. Life is too short.

DP
Clearly you don’t understand. Sometimes it’s not possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

They do not see therapy, they think therapy is for the weak. Yes, I believe the only way to have any relationship with them is to keep it surface level, but that doesn't feel good, who wants a surface level relationship with their parents? And the disconnection between their loving verbal expressions and their actual behaviors drives me crazy.

If my parents think of me the same way you think of your crazy sister, then I would want them to at least tell me, set boundaries, communicate, telling me I am crazy is better than "we don't know why you don't talk to us". Literally, if they could send a longer reply listing why they disagree, at least that shows that I exist, that they see me. The shutdown is what makes me feel invisible. I suppose this is why toddlers sometimes seek negative attention, because that's better than no attention? (even though I don't get it), in my case, I am not seeking attention, I just noticed this pattern in our interactions for all those years and became increasingly hurt.

Go on a few dates. It's not your parents job to give you whatever you're seeking a this point.

[Anonymous]

I hope this does not come across as rude, which is not my intent; you sound very sensitive, fragile, emotional. Maybe small things rile you up and fester with you. A five page letter sounds excessive to me. So maybe what they have said to hurt you really isn’t a big deal, but to you it is. Like maybe they didn’t complement the clothing you were wearing one day for them is not a big deal, but you felt like it was a huge slap in the face. That is more on you than on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

My mom missed me so much and really wanted to see her grandchildren that eventually she opened up and let me unleash the 30+ years of rage for the complete a total emotional abuse and neglect - she had been denying and gaslighting me most of my life, telling me it’s my fault and I’m just too sensitive or I’m outright lying. When I finally told her - it took 3 very emotional conversations- she cried and cried at each one. Then something unusual happened she validated me and apologized profusely. She still slips into old habits sometimes, and I leave. Our relationship is so much better. I see her 3x/year for 4 days to a week - I can’t do much more as she never fails to fall into old habits. I’ve always been her least favorite child (still am).

Is your relationship really better? Seems like from your end, but doesn't seem like she would agree.

Yes. It’s better, no doubt. We were NC for 2 years - now she has a relationship with her grandchildren and we don’t fight, because when she’s rude I leave. We also enjoy each other’s company and go to the spa or play board games - something we both enjoy. So she’d probably agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this does not come across as rude, which is not my intent; you sound very sensitive, fragile, emotional. Maybe small things rile you up and fester with you. A five page letter sounds excessive to me. So maybe what they have said to hurt you really isn’t a big deal, but to you it is. Like maybe they didn’t complement the clothing you were wearing one day for them is not a big deal, but you felt like it was a huge slap in the face. That is more on you than on them.

Agree. The 5 page letter would have been better written in a journal or left in your desk drawer