How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

You are never, ever going to get them to see the light. You are wasting huge amounts of your emotional bandwidth trying to get them to change. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to actually be no contact and not care what they think.

[Anonymous]

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/

They aren't going to understand because they don't want to face it. It's too hard for them. That's the bottom line. It's okay to lay down the burden of trying to fix it. Accepting that my mother simply cannot cope with certain information is the best thing I ever did for myself. It's hard, but with parents you get what you get and some of us just don't have good or normal parents. That's how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

So, your fantasy about telling them off hasn't played out the way you hoped, so you want to keep trying?

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier to weep over having “no idea” than to do the work to do better. They also get more sympathy from other “no idea” parents/families.

[Anonymous]

You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

[Anonymous]

Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

[Anonymous]

If you love them, grow up, forgive them, and enjoy them while they are here. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easier to weep over having “no idea” than to do the work to do better. They also get more sympathy from other “no idea” parents/families.

+1. It sounds like they couldn't even handle your negative feelings about things that have nothing to do with them, like work. There's no way they can handle accepting that they did something wrong to you. People who can't take accountability are the weakest people in the world. They may put on a tough front and deflect everything back to you, but they are the emotional equivalent of toddlers. Stop trying to make them react the way you want them to. They aren't capable. You're welcome to stay away from them if that's what you need. You owe them nothing.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure that adults can dump on other adults (even their parents) and expect their parents to play therapist with them. Like even your example of a stressful job. If you have a stressful job, you can't just dump on your parents about your stressful job. If anything, that's the role of a spouse or a therapist. Sure you can briefly bring it up to friends or family, but it can't be constant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love them, grow up, forgive them, and enjoy them while they are here. Life is too short.

It's not that simple, I do love them, and I forgive them, but at the same time, I can't just keep seeing them while feeling like they only want a superficial relationship, I don't feel good in interactions like that.

[Anonymous]

Are u an only child?