How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I’m in my 60s with grown children and grandchildren. Your communication with them was loving, mature, and thoughtful.
You most likely know you’re not alone in this journey. A lot of people are suffering from painful family dynamics.
I had this experience with my parents. I have gotten a great deal of pleasure and pride that I broke the cycle and created a family that is loving and kind.
Even though I realized at a young age that my parents never had the capacity to see beyond their own reality, it’s still very painful. When I would hear people talk about narcissism or other mental illnesses, I would think, they had no idea! The gift it left me was a gifted emotional intelligence and gave me a modern day sense of survival.
We never stop craving love from our parents

But, I will share with you my final story. My mother recently passed away. She was in her 90s. I never shed a tear. I had the feeling that her death was addition by subtraction and I do feel safer in the world. I spent my life wondering what it would be like when my parents died and I found my response even surprising to me.
Over the course of my life, I have mourned their death too many times to remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

+1 They realize she is a narcissist and don't want to cut her off because she is their child so they gray rock her. My parents were not my friends but they did their best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

+1 They realize she is a narcissist and don't want to cut her off because she is their child so they gray rock her. My parents were not my friends but they did their best.

Good for you, but not everyone's parents "did their best" and some of us have the capacity to recognize that. I always find the "did your best" an excuse and unwillingness to take accountability. If someone tells you why (in a 5-page letter no less), you cannot possibly say "I have no idea" and that's your best.

[Anonymous]

5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good.

Unlikely. It takes a long time to write 5 pages. It's much more likely that the OP really went into the details about the issues she's had over the years and the parents simply block it out. They "did their best". But even if you think it's insults and nonsense, you still would "have an idea" and would not be in the dark about what had happened. That's the whole point. It's insulting after telling over and over (as I'm sure the 5 pages was the final straw) and the other person has "no idea". It's crazy-making cognitive dissonance. Most adult children who try to tell their parents what the issues are, are looking for validation. We all know we cannot have a re-do. The "no idea" is a dismissal and complete inability to self-reflect. In fact the "no idea" gives you a good idea that the parents don't want to "go there" as they'd actually have to admit to being crappy parents! There's nothing to "look good" for the adult child: they were the children and were not in the driver's seat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good.

Unlikely. It takes a long time to write 5 pages. It's much more likely that the OP really went into the details about the issues she's had over the years and the parents simply block it out. They "did their best". But even if you think it's insults and nonsense, you still would "have an idea" and would not be in the dark about what had happened. That's the whole point. It's insulting after telling over and over (as I'm sure the 5 pages was the final straw) and the other person has "no idea". It's crazy-making cognitive dissonance. Most adult children who try to tell their parents what the issues are, are looking for validation. We all know we cannot have a re-do. The "no idea" is a dismissal and complete inability to self-reflect. In fact the "no idea" gives you a good idea that the parents don't want to "go there" as they'd actually have to admit to being crappy parents! There's nothing to "look good" for the adult child: they were the children and were not in the driver's seat!

It sounds like OP was watching too much Friends and decided this was a good way to deal with it. She wrote the pages and is still not happy. At some point she needs to look in the mirror and stop waiting for her parents to snap to it and do her bidding. A long winded letter was never going to give her what she wanted. Who told her this was a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good.

Unlikely. It takes a long time to write 5 pages. It's much more likely that the OP really went into the details about the issues she's had over the years and the parents simply block it out. They "did their best". But even if you think it's insults and nonsense, you still would "have an idea" and would not be in the dark about what had happened. That's the whole point. It's insulting after telling over and over (as I'm sure the 5 pages was the final straw) and the other person has "no idea". It's crazy-making cognitive dissonance. Most adult children who try to tell their parents what the issues are, are looking for validation. We all know we cannot have a re-do. The "no idea" is a dismissal and complete inability to self-reflect. In fact the "no idea" gives you a good idea that the parents don't want to "go there" as they'd actually have to admit to being crappy parents! There's nothing to "look good" for the adult child: they were the children and were not in the driver's seat!

It sounds like OP was watching too much Friends and decided this was a good way to deal with it. She wrote the pages and is still not happy. At some point she needs to look in the mirror and stop waiting for her parents to snap to it and do her bidding. A long winded letter was never going to give her what she wanted. Who told her this was a good idea?

Well, you have a strange take on things. On the contrary, I think it gave her what she wanted. She saw that her parents are unable to self-reflect and they deny they've done anything unpleasant or negative. My take on the 5-page letter is that the OP was not able to discuss these things, or she tried, it went nowhere, hence the letter. She thought that if she put her thoughts in writing, then the parents cannot possibly say that they "have no idea" when it's written down! But they did. Now the OP can decide if she wants to continue the relationship as it is (meaning pretending that all is great) or cut off contact. The parents are obviously not willing or able to reflect or admit or even acknowledge. That's a lot of information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Unfortunately, this is a possibility. My sister is a schizophrenic and writes these tomes to anyone who will read them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Unfortunately, this is a possibility. My sister is a schizophrenic and writes these tomes to anyone who will read them.

Could be, but then, schizophrenia is inherited and usually manifests in young adults, so? Your parents tell your sister they have "no idea" what happened in her childhood? A problem like this is not just between parents and adult children, it could be any relationship. One party expresses a problem and the other denies. And so over many years. In the end, the relationship is unhealthy as both parties live in different realities. So obviously the person who has a problem then either puts up with it (in which case the relationship ceases to be close (if it ever was) and becomes surface level) or they put an end to it. There are plenty of "it was a complete surprise" divorces too.

[Anonymous]

Op I can't read this whole thread but why don't you just rely on newsy cards instead of phone calls or in person. Time and distance allow for cooler heads between replies.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read this whole thread either but OP says they've been NC for 2 years but parents are acting confused? So are you NC or really low contact since you're still trying to justify yourself? If you really want NC then just do it and block their #s so you don't have to read their questions. Sounds like you've already explained yourself.

If you're not ready for true NC then just gray rock them and keep things superficial. I've taken that approach with my sister, when I once asked her why she never took any initiative to call, visit, etc. she said it was because I was boring, so I've leaned into that and ceased trying. This is the type of relationship she wanted and it was a waste of time agonizing over why she didn't seem to like me.