How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I’m in my 60s with grown children and grandchildren. Your communication with them was loving, mature, and thoughtful.
You most likely know you’re not alone in this journey. A lot of people are suffering from painful family dynamics.
I had this experience with my parents. I have gotten a great deal of pleasure and pride that I broke the cycle and created a family that is loving and kind.
Even though I realized at a young age that my parents never had the capacity to see beyond their own reality, it’s still very painful. When I would hear people talk about narcissism or other mental illnesses, I would think, they had no idea! The gift it left me was a gifted emotional intelligence and gave me a modern day sense of survival.
We never stop craving love from our parents

But, I will share with you my final story. My mother recently passed away. She was in her 90s. I never shed a tear. I had the feeling that her death was addition by subtraction and I do feel safer in the world. I spent my life wondering what it would be like when my parents died and I found my response even surprising to me.
Over the course of my life, I have mourned their death too many times to remember.

I relate so much to these posts, thank you. I am a cycle breaker and am very grateful to have created a loving family. I came from verbal and emotional abuse with threats of physical. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please mom and finally when enough life events hit her scapegoating of me became too much to bear. It's both survival and protection. I had passive death wishes. I would actively do something because I love my spouse and kids, but I was wishing something would happen to take us all together so nobody would deal with her abuse. I also went low contact to protect my family and my mother. My kids witnessed too much and it not only upset them,but was teaching them to to tolerate abuse if it's from family. Also, the only way to get through to my mother is to yell right back, but it makes her get worse. I took the high road. If I gave her even a small fraction of the abuse she hurled at me, it would be considered elder abuse. It endured a lot of tantrums and tirades to get here.

We are cordial and distant. I do not tolerate any abusive behavior. She will never be able to do anything, but blame me-no accountability. She had friends distance themselves over the years and she launches a full smear campaign. Dad was the villain while alive, but also her best friend depending on the day/hour. She never learned how to cope with her emotions and life stressors in a healthy way and I think she gets a release by unleashing it on others. One of my siblings is the same way. I truly wish them peace. I am grateful I had my dad and brother in that chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good.

Unlikely. It takes a long time to write 5 pages. It's much more likely that the OP really went into the details about the issues she's had over the years and the parents simply block it out. They "did their best". But even if you think it's insults and nonsense, you still would "have an idea" and would not be in the dark about what had happened. That's the whole point. It's insulting after telling over and over (as I'm sure the 5 pages was the final straw) and the other person has "no idea". It's crazy-making cognitive dissonance. Most adult children who try to tell their parents what the issues are, are looking for validation. We all know we cannot have a re-do. The "no idea" is a dismissal and complete inability to self-reflect. In fact the "no idea" gives you a good idea that the parents don't want to "go there" as they'd actually have to admit to being crappy parents! There's nothing to "look good" for the adult child: they were the children and were not in the driver's seat!

It sounds like OP was watching too much Friends and decided this was a good way to deal with it. She wrote the pages and is still not happy. At some point she needs to look in the mirror and stop waiting for her parents to snap to it and do her bidding. A long winded letter was never going to give her what she wanted. Who told her this was a good idea?

To be sure, it might have been a good idea to write it. But it probably wasn't a good idea to SEND it. It does sound like OP has some script in her head of what was supposed to happen and it is disappointed that it didn't play out in the way she fantasized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Unfortunately, this is a possibility. My sister is a schizophrenic and writes these tomes to anyone who will read them.

Could be, but then, schizophrenia is inherited and usually manifests in young adults, so? Your parents tell your sister they have "no idea" what happened in her childhood? A problem like this is not just between parents and adult children, it could be any relationship. One party expresses a problem and the other denies. And so over many years. In the end, the relationship is unhealthy as both parties live in different realities. So obviously the person who has a problem then either puts up with it (in which case the relationship ceases to be close (if it ever was) and becomes surface level) or they put an end to it. There are plenty of "it was a complete surprise" divorces too.

Or it's drug induce mania. My brother is like this. Gets high then accuses the rest of the family of all kinds of stupid things and blames us for his failures. Maybe if he stopped doing drugs and drinking he could get his own life together.

[Anonymous]

Getting back to this, "a one sentence reply of "“well, you must hate us”". Sounds like sarcasm and here's my sidebar --- sarcasm is a terrible approach as we age. If at all possible, try to eliminate it from your communication style. You're not funny. You may have been funny in your 20's, considered hilarious by close friends. It doesn't work now. If doesn't work especially as we age. Message/meaning/intent gets too messed up.

[Anonymous]

I think Op's parents were trying to deescalate. And if there was a chance Op sent the message in haste, it was a way to come back from it.

It's not the approach Op wanted, certainly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Op's parents were trying to deescalate. And if there was a chance Op sent the message in haste, it was a way to come back from it.

It's not the approach Op wanted, certainly

Obviously they picked up on OPs rage. They got the message that she really really dislikes them after 5 pages of who knows what. But without know what was said or what the reasons are how would anyone know who is in the right here? It certainly does sound like OP hates them but she keeps coming back for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating.

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.

Found the parents.

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good.

Unlikely. It takes a long time to write 5 pages. It's much more likely that the OP really went into the details about the issues she's had over the years and the parents simply block it out. They "did their best". But even if you think it's insults and nonsense, you still would "have an idea" and would not be in the dark about what had happened. That's the whole point. It's insulting after telling over and over (as I'm sure the 5 pages was the final straw) and the other person has "no idea". It's crazy-making cognitive dissonance. Most adult children who try to tell their parents what the issues are, are looking for validation. We all know we cannot have a re-do. The "no idea" is a dismissal and complete inability to self-reflect. In fact the "no idea" gives you a good idea that the parents don't want to "go there" as they'd actually have to admit to being crappy parents! There's nothing to "look good" for the adult child: they were the children and were not in the driver's seat!

It sounds like OP was watching too much Friends and decided this was a good way to deal with it. She wrote the pages and is still not happy. At some point she needs to look in the mirror and stop waiting for her parents to snap to it and do her bidding. A long winded letter was never going to give her what she wanted. Who told her this was a good idea?

To be sure, it might have been a good idea to write it. But it probably wasn't a good idea to SEND it. It does sound like OP has some script in her head of what was supposed to happen and it is disappointed that it didn't play out in the way she fantasized.

Yes. A therapist can really help with this. Unfortunately OP will never get the validation she wants/needs from parents. Folks are criticizing the "they did the best they could trope," but, the reality is that acceptance will bring some closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to this, "a one sentence reply of "“well, you must hate us”". Sounds like sarcasm and here's my sidebar --- sarcasm is a terrible approach as we age. If at all possible, try to eliminate it from your communication style. You're not funny. You may have been funny in your 20's, considered hilarious by close friends. It doesn't work now. If doesn't work especially as we age. Message/meaning/intent gets too messed up.

I read it as an exhausted "I give up".