DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The minute you decided to separate you should have gotten a free attorney consult. Get your finances and paperwork in order. Set yourself up to protect your kid. As far as your kid being home next week, be a parent, be an adult and protect them from your breakdowns and “fainting”. Is it possible you separated as a manipulation tactic and your DH called your bluff? Why did you move and buy a house if the relationship was so fragile? You were not blindsided Op but want to play the victim instead of taking care your DC in ways that protect them from the fall out.

To be clear, we weren’t separated legally or otherwise, but rather giving each other space. I shouldn’t have used the word separation in my initial post- I’m in my phone and can’t scroll back to see how I worded it but I probably made it confusing because I have a lot going on.

He was staying at our other house and coming and going regularly to the extent that he was leaving his dirty clothes in our shared hamper.

OP, kindly, snap out of it.

He was living separately and leaving his dirty drawers for you to wash. Your marriage is over. You will be divorced. You were not blindsided. You do have pet care options.

Playing the victim here is not going to be healthy for your kid. Stop focusing on ex and get yourself together. Get trip back on and line up lawyer consults when you are back.

[Anonymous]

OP, you were talking divorce and he moved out and was sleeping separately.

$ is a huge issue post divorce for most, seems like it will be less so for you.

Your attempts at word play make you sound like a teen troll.

You were discussing divorce, now it is happening. Your attempts to pretend to be surprised about any of this are silly. Sad, scared, ok.

[Anonymous]

You are getting divorced. He is clear. He moved out and is filing. None of this makes you a victim, it happens, being served is part of it. You have no control over him and will have little control over 50% of your child’s life. Focus on what you can control, getting a job and building a support network. Practice radical acceptance and model resilience for your child. You should have done legal consults long ago in an unstable marriage. Make those calls soon. That you are so enmeshed will have to change. The court may order all communication to go through a monitored app. There, attempts to portray his routine actions negatively will blow up in your face. I’m a divorced mom and you need to be smart about how you come across in family court. You don’t want to build a documented case of alienation for him, so change your thinking and framing. He has $$$ to fight in court so you really need to be careful with the martyr vs monster script.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If OP enjoys wasting marital funds dodging service to prolong her marriage to a man she is claiming is unwell and scary ….have at it. It’s just dumb.

She’s not wasting marital funds. She’s showing him he doesn’t get what he wants in this process just because. I am very pro mediation and settlement but based on how she describes her DH she needs to make a very strong showing of power to him so he knows she will not be steamrolled.

You think hiding in one’s home to avoid an inescapable reality is a show of power?

I heartily disagree.

She certainly should not cancel her vacation so she can be served. Also I wouldn’t answer the door. I’m petty that way lol. Yes it is a show of power that he doesn’t get what he wants exactly when he wants it.

She should live her life. If she wants to go on her planned vacation, she absolutely should do that. However, hiding and refusing to open the door is actually really stressful. It sounds fun to play games and not open the door but it's very uncomfortable when trying to ignore someone banging loudly at your door, wondering if any car you see is a process server, peeking to see if it's ok to run out to the store. She's going to get served eventually. That's making it harder on herself, unless she has some specific strategy for not wanting to get served in that state.

Just so everyone is clear: Op and I have no plans to hide or anything. That sounds really stressful and not anything I want to an already insane situation.

Ignore the crazies online. Get a good lawyer. I found a divorce support group on Meet Up, I understand some churches have them too. You will get through this, OP.

Have you posted here before? I recall a thread about a spouse going to live in a rental property.

Unfortunately similar situation. I think I saw that thread at some point this spring. This also happened to my friend who lives on the west coast in June.

It is insanity. How can this happen to more than one person?

More than 50% of marriages end in divorce and the people who move out have to live somewhere? Lucky to have $$$ resources, many post-divorce do not.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop thinking about him and update your resume and LinkedIn.

[Anonymous]

Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

[Anonymous]

May God give you strength and help in these trying times. May you be peaceful, happy, fulfilled and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a trip with my child and the dog (or wont give a s…t about soon to be ex not having a dog sitter in this sitting).

While on the trip you can’t be served. My exH was avoiding being served for several months until he found a good lawyer.

You should do the same. It is indeed a very aggressive tactic to file straight for divorce without any prior negotiations of settlement.

Your STBX is a nutcase and I think it will be a bitter divorce because that’s how he’s starting it

DH told me that I will be served via email if I can’t be served in person. It may be allowed in my state.

I do like the word nutcase to describe him. Thank you. It’s the first time I’ve smiled this morning.

There is no state I can find that allows service by email with out the receiving party’s consent to that manner of service.

OP and really? Is DH crazy or does he think that notifying me by email counts as consent?

What do you mean? Consent to what? Being served is just a process of verification of receipt; the papers are already filed with the court and you’re legally entitled to be notified. “Being served” is no different than receiving certified mail.

Huh? No, there are very specific rules about service of process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The minute you decided to separate you should have gotten a free attorney consult. Get your finances and paperwork in order. Set yourself up to protect your kid. As far as your kid being home next week, be a parent, be an adult and protect them from your breakdowns and “fainting”. Is it possible you separated as a manipulation tactic and your DH called your bluff? Why did you move and buy a house if the relationship was so fragile? You were not blindsided Op but want to play the victim instead of taking care your DC in ways that protect them from the fall out.

To be clear, we weren’t separated legally or otherwise, but rather giving each other space. I shouldn’t have used the word separation in my initial post- I’m in my phone and can’t scroll back to see how I worded it but I probably made it confusing because I have a lot going on.

He was staying at our other house and coming and going regularly to the extent that he was leaving his dirty clothes in our shared hamper.

You talked divorce, he moved out, he’s moving forward. Why play online word games? This is very trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a trip with my child and the dog (or wont give a s…t about soon to be ex not having a dog sitter in this sitting).

While on the trip you can’t be served. My exH was avoiding being served for several months until he found a good lawyer.

You should do the same. It is indeed a very aggressive tactic to file straight for divorce without any prior negotiations of settlement.

Your STBX is a nutcase and I think it will be a bitter divorce because that’s how he’s starting it

DH told me that I will be served via email if I can’t be served in person. It may be allowed in my state.

I do like the word nutcase to describe him. Thank you. It’s the first time I’ve smiled this morning.

There is no state I can find that allows service by email with out the receiving party’s consent to that manner of service.

OP and really? Is DH crazy or does he think that notifying me by email counts as consent?

What do you mean? Consent to what? Being served is just a process of verification of receipt; the papers are already filed with the court and you’re legally entitled to be notified. “Being served” is no different than receiving certified mail.

Huh? No, there are very specific rules about service of process.

Yes, but OP doesn’t need to consent to service or to the court process. Takes 2 to marry, 1 to divorce.

Bet he has a replacement lined up. As a high earner, will be easy for him.

Onward, OP, it will be hard then become the new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

AMEN. I had a similar situation. My husband basically had a nervous breakdown and left. He ended up coming back, but I could’ve just as easily ended it in a divorce. With mental illness, there’s no way to know which way this will go, so I can totally understand how you are blindsided.
Honestly, you are probably better off as I am still in the midst of living with someone with depression and occasional alcohol issues. I walk on eggshells and suspect borderline personality disorder but it’s too complicated to leave - and after the year we had, it makes more sense for my kids to stay and give them stability (and he has been very stable as of late).
I would definitely do a consult with a lawyer. It sounds like you have money; spent it on a GOOD lawyer, a shark. Don’t skimp on that. Sending you guys and prayers - mental illness in a marriage is so hard and I get where you are coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

AMEN. I had a similar situation. My husband basically had a nervous breakdown and left. He ended up coming back, but I could’ve just as easily ended it in a divorce. With mental illness, there’s no way to know which way this will go, so I can totally understand how you are blindsided.
Honestly, you are probably better off as I am still in the midst of living with someone with depression and occasional alcohol issues. I walk on eggshells and suspect borderline personality disorder but it’s too complicated to leave - and after the year we had, it makes more sense for my kids to stay and give them stability (and he has been very stable as of late).
I would definitely do a consult with a lawyer. It sounds like you have money; spent it on a GOOD lawyer, a shark. Don’t skimp on that. Sending you guys and prayers - mental illness in a marriage is so hard and I get where you are coming from.

Thank you so much. I have a not-close acquaintance who runs with a corporate titan/private jet crowd so I swallowed any pride I had, told her the whole story, and said please talk to anyone you know who would know the right attorney for this situation.

I’m sorry about your DH and I’m sure it is really hard. Mine doesn’t drink much that I know of but is abusing adderall. It leads to scary angry jags on top of the imbalances he already has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

AMEN. I had a similar situation. My husband basically had a nervous breakdown and left. He ended up coming back, but I could’ve just as easily ended it in a divorce. With mental illness, there’s no way to know which way this will go, so I can totally understand how you are blindsided.
Honestly, you are probably better off as I am still in the midst of living with someone with depression and occasional alcohol issues. I walk on eggshells and suspect borderline personality disorder but it’s too complicated to leave - and after the year we had, it makes more sense for my kids to stay and give them stability (and he has been very stable as of late).
I would definitely do a consult with a lawyer. It sounds like you have money; spent it on a GOOD lawyer, a shark. Don’t skimp on that. Sending you guys and prayers - mental illness in a marriage is so hard and I get where you are coming from.

Thank you so much. I have a not-close acquaintance who runs with a corporate titan/private jet crowd so I swallowed any pride I had, told her the whole story, and said please talk to anyone you know who would know the right attorney for this situation.

I’m sorry about your DH and I’m sure it is really hard. Mine doesn’t drink much that I know of but is abusing adderall. It leads to scary angry jags on top of the imbalances he already has.

Thank you. The lesson I learned was to protect myself. I used to think my marriage was rock solid, but I didn’t understand mental illness. My husband agreed to anti depressants a few years ago but came off of them about 18 months ago and then our world blew up- and he doesn’t see the correlation and refuses to go back on them. So we will tread through this, but I won’t be blindsided again - his leaving at all caught me so completely off guard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

AMEN. I had a similar situation. My husband basically had a nervous breakdown and left. He ended up coming back, but I could’ve just as easily ended it in a divorce. With mental illness, there’s no way to know which way this will go, so I can totally understand how you are blindsided.
Honestly, you are probably better off as I am still in the midst of living with someone with depression and occasional alcohol issues. I walk on eggshells and suspect borderline personality disorder but it’s too complicated to leave - and after the year we had, it makes more sense for my kids to stay and give them stability (and he has been very stable as of late).
I would definitely do a consult with a lawyer. It sounds like you have money; spent it on a GOOD lawyer, a shark. Don’t skimp on that. Sending you guys and prayers - mental illness in a marriage is so hard and I get where you are coming from.

Thank you so much. I have a not-close acquaintance who runs with a corporate titan/private jet crowd so I swallowed any pride I had, told her the whole story, and said please talk to anyone you know who would know the right attorney for this situation.

I’m sorry about your DH and I’m sure it is really hard. Mine doesn’t drink much that I know of but is abusing adderall. It leads to scary angry jags on top of the imbalances he already has.

Thank you. The lesson I learned was to protect myself. I used to think my marriage was rock solid, but I didn’t understand mental illness. My husband agreed to anti depressants a few years ago but came off of them about 18 months ago and then our world blew up- and he doesn’t see the correlation and refuses to go back on them. So we will tread through this, but I won’t be blindsided again - his leaving at all caught me so completely off guard.

That’s so familiar. I didn’t realize mine wasn’t taking his antidepressants for a while and he has me making me feel like his moods and behaviors were because of me. But it was like a switch flipped in his brain and he became a person who was different even before he initially started treatment. Like yours, he saw no correlation and started saying things like doctors and medication weren’t real. It was terrifying but I was convinced that I could just gently coax him towards help.