DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

It feels like when someone moves out that it is kind of like discussing it. It's not like he immediately sprung it on you without you knowing there was any issue in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like when someone moves out that it is kind of like discussing it. It's not like he immediately sprung it on you without you knowing there was any issue in the marriage.

I don’t know, he didn’t really move out and was bringing dirty laundry back and eating out of the refrigerator at our primary residence and not even taking things back there because we have clothes at our vacation place. We both take extended weekends there solo from time to time, so based on how we used that house and live it was not very different from normal, just longer stretches. He had many work trips in between, too.

What’s done is done and parsing it doesn’t really matter.

[Anonymous]

Best wishes OP. Stay strong!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

Any woman leaving any man should have a safety plan in place for herself and her children. Sometimes the first episode of physical violence occurs when the emotionally abusive partner is faced with the end of the relationship and more importantly, a loss of control. In my years as a DV advocate and later prosecutor, I saw too many cases where men who were losing their families - even if they initiated the relationship disruption to begin with - ended up losing their sh*t and hurting or killing their kids/partners. If the husband already has a significant mental illness issue, it's even more important to have a safety plan in mind - do whatever you can to protect yourself in the leaving process.

Are you a bot? OP isn’t leaving an abusive situation. Her husband moved out on her and child recently, and has now filed for divorce. The biggest danger OP faces is her ex husbands total lack of effs. He’s out.

I’m OP and I won’t post the details of my situation but in a general way I will say that with mental illness comes abuse. And I will leave it at that because I think some people are jumping on this thread in the mood to pick me apart for sport.

I’m not picking you apart for sport. But I’ve been in an abusive situation and receiving an email you seemed to be in denial about (even though living separately from your spouse) is not abuse.

Be very careful if you’re discussing safety plans etc for a child with the child. This is alienation 101.

How old is your child, OP? You mentioned sports teams and school and stuff but I don’t think their age.

+1. I’m not even sure why you would discuss a “safety plan” with a child in these circumstances. Fine if OP thinks she needs one but no need to tell kid about it (sounds like this is a younger kid).

The part of the plan that DS needs to know is where he needs to go if I’m not home and something happens or if I say go now and can’t go too. I talked about it in a very calm, age appropriate way and assured them that by planning it we won’t need it and it’s good to have emergency plans for fires or break-ins anyway.

DS needs to know which house to run to and who will be home when after the threats DH made the day he came to talk to DS. DS is a young middle schooler so safe to leave the house on their own and get to another person’s house.

Has your ex ever done anything that makes you think this is actually a possibility?

[Anonymous]

He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like when someone moves out that it is kind of like discussing it. It's not like he immediately sprung it on you without you knowing there was any issue in the marriage.

I don’t know, he didn’t really move out and was bringing dirty laundry back and eating out of the refrigerator at our primary residence and not even taking things back there because we have clothes at our vacation place. We both take extended weekends there solo from time to time, so based on how we used that house and live it was not very different from normal, just longer stretches. He had many work trips in between, too.

What’s done is done and parsing it doesn’t really matter.

Pack up his clothing, leave it at the door and change the locks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

Any woman leaving any man should have a safety plan in place for herself and her children. Sometimes the first episode of physical violence occurs when the emotionally abusive partner is faced with the end of the relationship and more importantly, a loss of control. In my years as a DV advocate and later prosecutor, I saw too many cases where men who were losing their families - even if they initiated the relationship disruption to begin with - ended up losing their sh*t and hurting or killing their kids/partners. If the husband already has a significant mental illness issue, it's even more important to have a safety plan in mind - do whatever you can to protect yourself in the leaving process.

Are you a bot? OP isn’t leaving an abusive situation. Her husband moved out on her and child recently, and has now filed for divorce. The biggest danger OP faces is her ex husbands total lack of effs. He’s out.

I’m OP and I won’t post the details of my situation but in a general way I will say that with mental illness comes abuse. And I will leave it at that because I think some people are jumping on this thread in the mood to pick me apart for sport.

I’m not picking you apart for sport. But I’ve been in an abusive situation and receiving an email you seemed to be in denial about (even though living separately from your spouse) is not abuse.

Be very careful if you’re discussing safety plans etc for a child with the child. This is alienation 101.

How old is your child, OP? You mentioned sports teams and school and stuff but I don’t think their age.

+1. I’m not even sure why you would discuss a “safety plan” with a child in these circumstances. Fine if OP thinks she needs one but no need to tell kid about it (sounds like this is a younger kid).

The part of the plan that DS needs to know is where he needs to go if I’m not home and something happens or if I say go now and can’t go too. I talked about it in a very calm, age appropriate way and assured them that by planning it we won’t need it and it’s good to have emergency plans for fires or break-ins anyway.

DS needs to know which house to run to and who will be home when after the threats DH made the day he came to talk to DS. DS is a young middle schooler so safe to leave the house on their own and get to another person’s house.

Has your ex ever done anything that makes you think this is actually a possibility?

Yes, unfortunately. Not towards our DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

OP and I don’t know what state this PP is posting from but I have been consulting with attorneys and I very much do not have the right to tell him to pack up or change locks or anything else and there is no “his house” right now. And yes that holds even though he has now filed. And definitely am not supposed to touch joint accounts apart from ordinary spending. Other people reading this thread in the same situation: use PPs advice at your own legal risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

Also: multiple attorneys have recommended that I reach out to him in writing and suggest that with his attorney’s approval, we can work out temporary arrangements between ourselves regarding time in the homes and with our child. Otherwise it will come down to temporary orders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

Also: multiple attorneys have recommended that I reach out to him in writing and suggest that with his attorney’s approval, we can work out temporary arrangements between ourselves regarding time in the homes and with our child. Otherwise it will come down to temporary orders.

Yeah, this. You can either do it amicably, or have the court help you sort it. You shouldn't unilaterally withdraw funds or change locks, unless the title/lease is entirely in you name and he's been gone a reasonable amount of time. Even then... it's probably not worth the risk.

The better strategy is to ask, in writing, for a visitation schedule, including off-site pickup/dropoff, as that's in the best interest of your kid, and your kid's best interests need to be your priority now (in general, but definitely in writing).

"Dear (ex's name), In order to maintain a stable environment for (child's name), I'd appreciate it if you coordinate a trip to get whatever you may need from the house on a designated day, perhaps once a week (or month or whatever works for you). Please let me know your current availability for spending time with (child's name), and we can coordinate transferring items."

Send with a link to your county's custody forms, parenting plan, visitation agreement, etc. Fill out your part and a proposed schedule (you'll need all this eventually anyway). You'll need to get to the formal divorce paperwork eventually too, but the priority has to be stabilizing the chaos for your kid's sake. Make it easy. Trust me, it's worth it to look like the responsible parent who is considering the kid and not just whatever hot nonsense mr. filed-prematurely may have cooked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

Also: multiple attorneys have recommended that I reach out to him in writing and suggest that with his attorney’s approval, we can work out temporary arrangements between ourselves regarding time in the homes and with our child. Otherwise it will come down to temporary orders.

Yeah, this. You can either do it amicably, or have the court help you sort it. You shouldn't unilaterally withdraw funds or change locks, unless the title/lease is entirely in you name and he's been gone a reasonable amount of time. Even then... it's probably not worth the risk.

The better strategy is to ask, in writing, for a visitation schedule, including off-site pickup/dropoff, as that's in the best interest of your kid, and your kid's best interests need to be your priority now (in general, but definitely in writing).

"Dear (ex's name), In order to maintain a stable environment for (child's name), I'd appreciate it if you coordinate a trip to get whatever you may need from the house on a designated day, perhaps once a week (or month or whatever works for you). Please let me know your current availability for spending time with (child's name), and we can coordinate transferring items."

Send with a link to your county's custody forms, parenting plan, visitation agreement, etc. Fill out your part and a proposed schedule (you'll need all this eventually anyway). You'll need to get to the formal divorce paperwork eventually too, but the priority has to be stabilizing the chaos for your kid's sake. Make it easy. Trust me, it's worth it to look like the responsible parent who is considering the kid and not just whatever hot nonsense mr. filed-prematurely may have cooked up.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write this- I appreciate the structure for thinking this through and will copy and paste into my notes to work on in the morning when I’m clearheaded.

[Anonymous]

I believe you, OP. Covert narcissists and other pathological people often do things that look "okayish" or even fine on the surface, because they know most people won't care enough to look closer. On closer inspection, especially looking at patterns over time, it becomes clear that these people are dangerously dysfunctional, often to the point of abuse. They're hard to pin down; it's often impossible to "prove" they're being a dick. And that's the whole point. The jerk who punches you is obviously a jerk. The jerk who destabilizes your life and makes you walk on eggshells for years, then DARVOs like a pro and twists the narrative to make themselves look like the victim, is insidious, and far more dangerous to your health and well-being. If he were obviously, inarguably an asshat, you'd have left him long ago.

I know the type. Just know that you'll get through this and your life will be SO much better without his BS. I'm sorry he's power-tripping on the way out instead of collaborating like a partner, but that's the reason he's on the way out. In the end, you may thank him for making it so obvious. I did. Keep going, OP. One day at a time. You can do this.

NP. Thank you for the above. I realized years after that I had been living with someone like this. I was served when I was with my kids coming home after sports practice. Now that we have left the post-separation abuse has started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

This is horrible “advice” from someone who doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Not to mention hilariously oversimplified. It’s like this person watched a TV movie about divorce once and now thinks they’re an expert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He moved out, get an attorney and if he hasn't filed, file yourself. Ask for full custody, child support, alimony and half of all assets. Take 1/2 out of all joint accounts. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. You can look online in most states and see if he actually filed.

The only thing to discuss is a custody agreement. You tell him that this is the schedule you want or ask him the schedule he wants and work it out. Tell him you don't want him visiting the house and that he needs to set up a bedroom with clothing, etc. at his house.

OP and I don’t know what state this PP is posting from but I have been consulting with attorneys and I very much do not have the right to tell him to pack up or change locks or anything else and there is no “his house” right now. And yes that holds even though he has now filed. And definitely am not supposed to touch joint accounts apart from ordinary spending. Other people reading this thread in the same situation: use PPs advice at your own legal risk.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

Any woman leaving any man should have a safety plan in place for herself and her children. Sometimes the first episode of physical violence occurs when the emotionally abusive partner is faced with the end of the relationship and more importantly, a loss of control. In my years as a DV advocate and later prosecutor, I saw too many cases where men who were losing their families - even if they initiated the relationship disruption to begin with - ended up losing their sh*t and hurting or killing their kids/partners. If the husband already has a significant mental illness issue, it's even more important to have a safety plan in mind - do whatever you can to protect yourself in the leaving process.

Are you a bot? OP isn’t leaving an abusive situation. Her husband moved out on her and child recently, and has now filed for divorce. The biggest danger OP faces is her ex husbands total lack of effs. He’s out.

I’m OP and I won’t post the details of my situation but in a general way I will say that with mental illness comes abuse. And I will leave it at that because I think some people are jumping on this thread in the mood to pick me apart for sport.

I’m not picking you apart for sport. But I’ve been in an abusive situation and receiving an email you seemed to be in denial about (even though living separately from your spouse) is not abuse.

Be very careful if you’re discussing safety plans etc for a child with the child. This is alienation 101.

How old is your child, OP? You mentioned sports teams and school and stuff but I don’t think their age.

+1. I’m not even sure why you would discuss a “safety plan” with a child in these circumstances. Fine if OP thinks she needs one but no need to tell kid about it (sounds like this is a younger kid).

The part of the plan that DS needs to know is where he needs to go if I’m not home and something happens or if I say go now and can’t go too. I talked about it in a very calm, age appropriate way and assured them that by planning it we won’t need it and it’s good to have emergency plans for fires or break-ins anyway.

DS needs to know which house to run to and who will be home when after the threats DH made the day he came to talk to DS. DS is a young middle schooler so safe to leave the house on their own and get to another person’s house.

So you went from thinking you were going to repair your marriage to your DH being so horrible your child needs a safety plan? huh? I just think you need to tread carefully here and make sure your reasoning is not being distorted by your (justifiable) anger and shock. Unless you are going to the mat to get 100% custody and a restraining order, drilling a “safety plan” into your child seems designed to make them fear their father. Which could go wrong for you in court.