DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

AMEN. I had a similar situation. My husband basically had a nervous breakdown and left. He ended up coming back, but I could’ve just as easily ended it in a divorce. With mental illness, there’s no way to know which way this will go, so I can totally understand how you are blindsided.
Honestly, you are probably better off as I am still in the midst of living with someone with depression and occasional alcohol issues. I walk on eggshells and suspect borderline personality disorder but it’s too complicated to leave - and after the year we had, it makes more sense for my kids to stay and give them stability (and he has been very stable as of late).
I would definitely do a consult with a lawyer. It sounds like you have money; spent it on a GOOD lawyer, a shark. Don’t skimp on that. Sending you guys and prayers - mental illness in a marriage is so hard and I get where you are coming from.

Thank you so much. I have a not-close acquaintance who runs with a corporate titan/private jet crowd so I swallowed any pride I had, told her the whole story, and said please talk to anyone you know who would know the right attorney for this situation.

I’m sorry about your DH and I’m sure it is really hard. Mine doesn’t drink much that I know of but is abusing adderall. It leads to scary angry jags on top of the imbalances he already has.

Thank you. The lesson I learned was to protect myself. I used to think my marriage was rock solid, but I didn’t understand mental illness. My husband agreed to anti depressants a few years ago but came off of them about 18 months ago and then our world blew up- and he doesn’t see the correlation and refuses to go back on them. So we will tread through this, but I won’t be blindsided again - his leaving at all caught me so completely off guard.

That’s so familiar. I didn’t realize mine wasn’t taking his antidepressants for a while and he has me making me feel like his moods and behaviors were because of me. But it was like a switch flipped in his brain and he became a person who was different even before he initially started treatment. Like yours, he saw no correlation and started saying things like doctors and medication weren’t real. It was terrifying but I was convinced that I could just gently coax him towards help.

My husband is in therapy and is committed to making to work but very anti medication; even when he admits he has deprsssion, so we will see. I also didn’t know he stopped bc he hid it from me, and I thought maybe I was being too hard on him or we had grown apart but I realize he stopped (without a dr or weaning process) and it made him put a wall up around himself and turn out the lights of his emotions in a way, become a blank slate with no empathy. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH moved out. You were separated. You thought you had the upper hand, esp re: your child, but he is moving forward legally. It is what it is. You were not blindsided.

Reach out to your network and focus on establishing your career in new city. What is your field? How recently have you been working?

It is scary and a big change but focus on what you can control. Talk to a few lawyer and kind of surrender to the process. All the good things about child are still true. It sounds like you may be able to stay in same house or school district?

I never thought I had the upper hand.

I was making it easy for him to spend time in the house and with our child.

I thought I was giving him space to recover from a mental breakdown and regroup. Obviously I was naive and I am having regrets, but I can only go forward. The scolding and Monday morning quarterbacking is probably satisfying for PPs but is not helpful for me. Thank you.

AMEN. I had a similar situation. My husband basically had a nervous breakdown and left. He ended up coming back, but I could’ve just as easily ended it in a divorce. With mental illness, there’s no way to know which way this will go, so I can totally understand how you are blindsided.
Honestly, you are probably better off as I am still in the midst of living with someone with depression and occasional alcohol issues. I walk on eggshells and suspect borderline personality disorder but it’s too complicated to leave - and after the year we had, it makes more sense for my kids to stay and give them stability (and he has been very stable as of late).
I would definitely do a consult with a lawyer. It sounds like you have money; spent it on a GOOD lawyer, a shark. Don’t skimp on that. Sending you guys and prayers - mental illness in a marriage is so hard and I get where you are coming from.

Thank you so much. I have a not-close acquaintance who runs with a corporate titan/private jet crowd so I swallowed any pride I had, told her the whole story, and said please talk to anyone you know who would know the right attorney for this situation.

I’m sorry about your DH and I’m sure it is really hard. Mine doesn’t drink much that I know of but is abusing adderall. It leads to scary angry jags on top of the imbalances he already has.

Thank you. The lesson I learned was to protect myself. I used to think my marriage was rock solid, but I didn’t understand mental illness. My husband agreed to anti depressants a few years ago but came off of them about 18 months ago and then our world blew up- and he doesn’t see the correlation and refuses to go back on them. So we will tread through this, but I won’t be blindsided again - his leaving at all caught me so completely off guard.

That’s so familiar. I didn’t realize mine wasn’t taking his antidepressants for a while and he has me making me feel like his moods and behaviors were because of me. But it was like a switch flipped in his brain and he became a person who was different even before he initially started treatment. Like yours, he saw no correlation and started saying things like doctors and medication weren’t real. It was terrifying but I was convinced that I could just gently coax him towards help.

My husband is in therapy and is committed to making to work but very anti medication; even when he admits he has deprsssion, so we will see. I also didn’t know he stopped bc he hid it from me, and I thought maybe I was being too hard on him or we had grown apart but I realize he stopped (without a dr or weaning process) and it made him put a wall up around himself and turn out the lights of his emotions in a way, become a blank slate with no empathy. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this.

You describe my DH’s affect after going off the meds so exactly that I wonder if this is the typical progression after abruptly stopping antidepressants. It was like living with a mean robot.

[Anonymous]

It sucks now, and he is being an AH. In a year or two, you might feel so happy you are free of this. If he has mental issues that are untreated, you have prob been carrying a heavy load or dealing with his moods--and that can wear a person down.

He's an AH. You are not. You will get through this.

Sending you strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Go back to former state w kids and get a job. He is unstable. Get a very good lawyer, versed in mental disorders, games, and trauma (yours).

OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement.

This is why you need a lawyer - the above makes sense and is probably correct, BUT if there's a basis to fight jurisdiction/residence or if it's easy to re-establish residence back in your home state, and that would be advantageous to you then you need to understand that and use it to your advantage.

Katie Holmes didn't establish NY residency prior to her divorce from Tom Cruise haphazardly - she did it to get the upper hand - and she used it.

If you are able to do mediation after all, that's great, but I certainly would approach this situation with a hope for the best and plan for the worst mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Divorce takes a while. Whether you get a lawyer this week or next does not sound likely to make that big of a difference—your child is with you. Stay focused and don’t waste energy on details like this. It’s uphill enough as it is. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

OP you are smart and you are thinking strategically right off the bat (I've read your other responses too). You have a good head on your shoulders, this will serve you well. I'm sure you feel like you are falling apart, but you are doing all the right things.
- signed, divorced mom of one who has BTDT in a high conflict divorce from a personality-disordered a-hole

My immediate hope for you is that your STBX hasn't conflicted out a lot of attorneys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

When DH went off his medication, he became incredibly angry and when his rage turned on my child that was what made me ask him to give us space. I am concerned that if my child has any kind of emotional response, that could trigger an intense reaction from DH.

I don’t think it’s likely but I feel better knowing that we have a plan for the worst-case scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for women it's a tougher pill to swallow when they are not the first to file for divorce.

Are you serious? I have 2 divorced brothers and they were devastated just like my female friends who've been through it.
Can we please dispense with these garbage sexist comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The minute you decided to separate you should have gotten a free attorney consult. Get your finances and paperwork in order. Set yourself up to protect your kid. As far as your kid being home next week, be a parent, be an adult and protect them from your breakdowns and “fainting”. Is it possible you separated as a manipulation tactic and your DH called your bluff? Why did you move and buy a house if the relationship was so fragile? You were not blindsided Op but want to play the victim instead of taking care your DC in ways that protect them from the fall out.

To be clear, we weren’t separated legally or otherwise, but rather giving each other space. I shouldn’t have used the word separation in my initial post- I’m in my phone and can’t scroll back to see how I worded it but I probably made it confusing because I have a lot going on.

He was staying at our other house and coming and going regularly to the extent that he was leaving his dirty clothes in our shared hamper.

And you were doing his laundry?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good job, OP. You’re going to be okay. You’ve got a good head in your shoulders and it will serve you well throughout this miserable process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The minute you decided to separate you should have gotten a free attorney consult. Get your finances and paperwork in order. Set yourself up to protect your kid. As far as your kid being home next week, be a parent, be an adult and protect them from your breakdowns and “fainting”. Is it possible you separated as a manipulation tactic and your DH called your bluff? Why did you move and buy a house if the relationship was so fragile? You were not blindsided Op but want to play the victim instead of taking care your DC in ways that protect them from the fall out.

To be clear, we weren’t separated legally or otherwise, but rather giving each other space. I shouldn’t have used the word separation in my initial post- I’m in my phone and can’t scroll back to see how I worded it but I probably made it confusing because I have a lot going on.

He was staying at our other house and coming and going regularly to the extent that he was leaving his dirty clothes in our shared hamper.

And you were doing his laundry?!?!

No way! I took it out and put it in a pile in another room. I’ve made some bad choices but I’m not crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

When DH went off his medication, he became incredibly angry and when his rage turned on my child that was what made me ask him to give us space. I am concerned that if my child has any kind of emotional response, that could trigger an intense reaction from DH.

I don’t think it’s likely but I feel better knowing that we have a plan for the worst-case scenario.

Know that a court will likely still give him 50% time if he wants it. They don’t protect kids typically. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick update: I have a long list of attorneys from my friends for Monday morning and a safety plan for my child just in case. Am telling close friends and family the facts for safety. Have most documents in hand now but some are missing. Have contacted financial advisor and informed him of the situation in case DH has not and have told him that I will be in touch as soon as I have an attorney and in meantime to freeze all transactions on our accounts. Nothing should be happening without dual authorization but wanted to make sure it was in writing. Contacting tax guy on Monday to see if he can chase down a few missing forms.

Good for you OP.

Why does your son need a safety plan? I didn’t see child abuse in your posts?

Wishing you and your son the best, you will get through this.

When DH went off his medication, he became incredibly angry and when his rage turned on my child that was what made me ask him to give us space. I am concerned that if my child has any kind of emotional response, that could trigger an intense reaction from DH.

I don’t think it’s likely but I feel better knowing that we have a plan for the worst-case scenario.

Know that a court will likely still give him 50% time if he wants it. They don’t protect kids typically. It sucks.

I’m not counting on anything after this weekend, but my state is not a 50/50 state and is a preference for status quo one. Prioritizing hiring an attorney that can represent my child’s interests first, and everything else after that.