DH filed for divorce without discussion
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Anonymous
OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement. |
Anonymous
OP and I completely agree with you. But zoom out and ignore my sad situation for a bit: when one partner sacrifices career opportunities so another partner can take on a more lucrative but more demanding job with less flexibility, that means their future opportunities are impacted. I think alimony is a practical way of acknowledging that, although it doesn’t fully account for the impact that downshifting to support a partner’s career has on long term career prospects. And let’s be real, for two partners to have equal high caliber careers, you need local, able-bodied family, or space for an au pair from early on, or partners who are willing to make equal tradeoffs from day to day and week to week. If one person is always on pickup and lunch duty and one person always gets to go in early and stay late, for example, the other one’s career falls behind and eventually is deprioritized. |
Anonymous
Yes you are right. But by going to filing he is putting us straight into discussing things like custody via the court system. I think he is naive about the fire he’s thrown us both into. I certainly am not and can see that this is going to be a very difficult few months. Our child just started a new school, settled into new sports team after tryouts, and has made new friends on the neighborhood. If DH had paused for 30 seconds and used his brain we could have at least negotiated with mediators toward something that gave our child a full school year without disruption, and it still would have achieved the same end result he desires. I don’t give a crap about me at this point, but to disregard our kid in the process is next level awfulness. |
Anonymous
If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not. |
Anonymous
Wow- this is me 100%. He took everything- I had been out of the workforce for 12 years. With primary custody I recentered my career (sales) and was out earning him, - instead of being fateful to be off the hook for alimony or CS/ he chose to file for 50/50 the second he found out I was out earning him/ so that I’d have to pay him. I worked my ASS off and thought it would help me. Nah. Sit back/ collect your check and f these pathetic leeches. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately I can't access anything in his laptop or his employee portal- I only have the overheard conversations and what he told me as the offer was building and he was debating which role to accept. I do have written notes in our shared tax portal from a conversation with our tax guy that show anticipation of certain shorter-term compensation if the offer came through, but I know there is much more significant awards that would happen in years 2-5. I live in a tech-heavy area so the good news is that there are divorce attorneys that specialize in settlements that address this kind of deferred compensation that's common in tech. |
Anonymous
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I’m sorry, OP. I’d pull out half the amount in any joint accounts and put it in a new separate account just in your name. Screenshot all financials such as 401(k), make sure you change all passwords to everything (even if you think he doesn’t have the password). Get a credit report and then freeze your credit.
Document anything you think is important to document, like your efforts to find a job and his mental health issues. You need a divorce attorney, and since you’re in a new place (new state?) you might ask a trusted lawyer from your prior location to help you find someone good who is local to you. Find out if you are permitted to change the locks on your home. At least your husband gave you a heads up today instead of just dumping it on you on Monday. I mean, still a dick move to take this step without more discussion. |
Anonymous
Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout. |
Anonymous
Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently. I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH. |
Anonymous
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Looking back, did you and DH have some issues even before the relocation?
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Anonymous
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I would be out of there so fast with $0 and happy to start my life.
Mental health issues are such a drag. Mine left me in debt. Courts made him pay back some of it for the next 5 years. Took another 10 years to become financially independent and retire. Why waste your time on 'what can I get from him' when you can do so much better on your own. Time is more important than money. You can make more money. You can't get back more time. |
Anonymous
You got terrible legal advice. Please don’t share it further. |
Anonymous
There won’t be alimony. She will be expected to work. |
Anonymous
Because there’s a child, and walking away “with $0” isn’t advisable or fair to them. |
Anonymous
The reason I ask is that I used to practice family law and on more than one occasion I've seen men push a relocation for a work opportunity which was also meant to give him the advantage in a coming custody battle, once the six months establishment of home state jurisdiction over the children under UCCJEA came into play. You won't be able to relocate from where you are living now for your own work opportunity or to be nearer to extended family and take your children with you without his express permission; he will have the advantage for primary physical custody if you want to move more than an hour away, because where you live now is now is the default home jurisdiction of the children. The burden would be on you to convince the court that taking the kids from their father is justified by whatever work opportunity or family connections that exist in the place you wish to relocate to. Sorry this is happening to you - a great many men are selfish beasts and it sounds like yours ended up being one. |