DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If OP enjoys wasting marital funds dodging service to prolong her marriage to a man she is claiming is unwell and scary ….have at it. It’s just dumb.

She’s not wasting marital funds. She’s showing him he doesn’t get what he wants in this process just because. I am very pro mediation and settlement but based on how she describes her DH she needs to make a very strong showing of power to him so he knows she will not be steamrolled.

You think hiding in one’s home to avoid an inescapable reality is a show of power?

I heartily disagree.

She certainly should not cancel her vacation so she can be served. Also I wouldn’t answer the door. I’m petty that way lol. Yes it is a show of power that he doesn’t get what he wants exactly when he wants it.

She should live her life. If she wants to go on her planned vacation, she absolutely should do that. However, hiding and refusing to open the door is actually really stressful. It sounds fun to play games and not open the door but it's very uncomfortable when trying to ignore someone banging loudly at your door, wondering if any car you see is a process server, peeking to see if it's ok to run out to the store. She's going to get served eventually. That's making it harder on herself, unless she has some specific strategy for not wanting to get served in that state.

Just so everyone is clear: Op and I have no plans to hide or anything. That sounds really stressful and not anything I want to an already insane situation.

Ignore the crazies online. Get a good lawyer. I found a divorce support group on Meet Up, I understand some churches have them too. You will get through this, OP.

Have you posted here before? I recall a thread about a spouse going to live in a rental property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a preposterous thread title. It’s like saying the sun comes up in the east.

OP, you were talking divorce and he moved out. It happens. The idea that everyone actively co-parents or has a collaborative divorce is a myth.

Yeah I don't quite get why OP is acting like she's been blindsided by this.

It has a troll feel to me. Or maybe both parents are a little off.

OP is not canceling trip bc she is being served. She is claiming she has no choices for pet care besides DH, so no trip. I feel for the kid.

Dad is unstable and mom plays the victim and is dramatic. At least there seems to be more $ to go around than is usually the case in a divorce.

OP be sure to get college included in your settlement.

No, DH asked me to cancel the trip last week since he was scheduling a last minute work trip.

Not a troll, wish this was made up.

I live in a busy major city and it is Labor Day weekend with limited places for a large dog to go at the last minute.

Rover is a thing. Vet techs sit. Pet friendly AB&B or hotel. There are options for YOU to put kid first and make a happy time happen. You can get served when you are back. Stop being so enmeshed and passive.

No I hear you.

The flights and hotel were refundable so I cancelled them last week when I still thought life was normal and DH asked me to and said we could always rebook during fall break. I believed him.

I am trying to find somewhere that is dog-friendly so I can just bring him. It needs to be cheap because I’m very aware that I need to protect my liquidity. We won’t leave until Monday or Tuesday because I need to pull documentation and go through every account fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go on the vacation. Kids sometimes like empty free time more than vacations anyway.

I would be tempted not to open the door, or to be out shopping, when the document server drops by.

Why? Avoiding service doesn't accomplish anything. Get the papers and then move forward. Wasting any energy trying to not get served is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If OP enjoys wasting marital funds dodging service to prolong her marriage to a man she is claiming is unwell and scary ….have at it. It’s just dumb.

She’s not wasting marital funds. She’s showing him he doesn’t get what he wants in this process just because. I am very pro mediation and settlement but based on how she describes her DH she needs to make a very strong showing of power to him so he knows she will not be steamrolled.

You think hiding in one’s home to avoid an inescapable reality is a show of power?

I heartily disagree.

She certainly should not cancel her vacation so she can be served. Also I wouldn’t answer the door. I’m petty that way lol. Yes it is a show of power that he doesn’t get what he wants exactly when he wants it.

She should live her life. If she wants to go on her planned vacation, she absolutely should do that. However, hiding and refusing to open the door is actually really stressful. It sounds fun to play games and not open the door but it's very uncomfortable when trying to ignore someone banging loudly at your door, wondering if any car you see is a process server, peeking to see if it's ok to run out to the store. She's going to get served eventually. That's making it harder on herself, unless she has some specific strategy for not wanting to get served in that state.

Just so everyone is clear: Op and I have no plans to hide or anything. That sounds really stressful and not anything I want to an already insane situation.

Ignore the crazies online. Get a good lawyer. I found a divorce support group on Meet Up, I understand some churches have them too. You will get through this, OP.

Have you posted here before? I recall a thread about a spouse going to live in a rental property.

Unfortunately similar situation. I think I saw that thread at some point this spring. This also happened to my friend who lives on the west coast in June.

It is insanity. How can this happen to more than one person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a preposterous thread title. It’s like saying the sun comes up in the east.

OP, you were talking divorce and he moved out. It happens. The idea that everyone actively co-parents or has a collaborative divorce is a myth.

Yeah I don't quite get why OP is acting like she's been blindsided by this.

It has a troll feel to me. Or maybe both parents are a little off.

OP is not canceling trip bc she is being served. She is claiming she has no choices for pet care besides DH, so no trip. I feel for the kid.

Dad is unstable and mom plays the victim and is dramatic. At least there seems to be more $ to go around than is usually the case in a divorce.

OP be sure to get college included in your settlement.

No, DH asked me to cancel the trip last week since he was scheduling a last minute work trip.

Not a troll, wish this was made up.

I live in a busy major city and it is Labor Day weekend with limited places for a large dog to go at the last minute.

If you can’t find a vacation location that takes dogs, then just have a fun “staycation” paid for out of your joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The minute you decided to separate you should have gotten a free attorney consult. Get your finances and paperwork in order. Set yourself up to protect your kid. As far as your kid being home next week, be a parent, be an adult and protect them from your breakdowns and “fainting”. Is it possible you separated as a manipulation tactic and your DH called your bluff? Why did you move and buy a house if the relationship was so fragile? You were not blindsided Op but want to play the victim instead of taking care your DC in ways that protect them from the fall out.

To be clear, we weren’t separated legally or otherwise, but rather giving each other space. I shouldn’t have used the word separation in my initial post- I’m in my phone and can’t scroll back to see how I worded it but I probably made it confusing because I have a lot going on.

He was staying at our other house and coming and going regularly to the extent that he was leaving his dirty clothes in our shared hamper.

I am sorry Op, but this is a separation. Why you continued to do his laundry is your own issue, but “giving space” and living apart, even if still intimate, is a separation. Why would you want to be married to someone who verbally berates you and your kid? Being a crappy parent is a deal breaker for me and should be for you, too. If you need help to get out of the situation, please go online or call for help. If your DH has a mental condition that does not mean you have to tolerate bad behavior. Keep your kid safe. Be thankful for the filing. Please call 1.800.799.7233 if you need help from DV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a preposterous thread title. It’s like saying the sun comes up in the east.

OP, you were talking divorce and he moved out. It happens. The idea that everyone actively co-parents or has a collaborative divorce is a myth.

Thanks, this is a good point. The insane thing is that in DH’s email telling me I would be served there’s a whole next paragraph saying that this will be a “collaborative process” and he expects that we will “coparent cooperatively.”

I mean sure, I’ll do 100% of what I can to make it work for my kid, but he isn’t exactly starting things off on the right foot. Cute that his attorney drafted that email for him, though. Wonder how much that paragraph cost.

Yeah that email is just to make him look good. Did you respond to it?

While it is true that you can still do a collaborative process even with the papers filed, it is laughable that he would try to claim that high ground, but it’s a tactic.

If you have not responded yet, just reply saying “received” and nothing else. Wait for your lawyer to coach you on a longer response.

Be extremely extremely careful to sound TOTALLY reasonable and factual in writing from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go on the vacation. Kids sometimes like empty free time more than vacations anyway.

I would be tempted not to open the door, or to be out shopping, when the document server drops by.

Why? Avoiding service doesn't accomplish anything. Get the papers and then move forward. Wasting any energy trying to not get served is ridiculous.

I realize this sounds petty to you but for me personally it has always been important to maintain boundaries to show myself (and my ex) that I won’t be steamrolled. Because he would very much do that if he could. So yeah that means I am expending no effort for him including opening the door to a process server. I wouldn’t hide, but dude can wait to serve me on my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The minute you decided to separate you should have gotten a free attorney consult. Get your finances and paperwork in order. Set yourself up to protect your kid. As far as your kid being home next week, be a parent, be an adult and protect them from your breakdowns and “fainting”. Is it possible you separated as a manipulation tactic and your DH called your bluff? Why did you move and buy a house if the relationship was so fragile? You were not blindsided Op but want to play the victim instead of taking care your DC in ways that protect them from the fall out.

To be clear, we weren’t separated legally or otherwise, but rather giving each other space. I shouldn’t have used the word separation in my initial post- I’m in my phone and can’t scroll back to see how I worded it but I probably made it confusing because I have a lot going on.

He was staying at our other house and coming and going regularly to the extent that he was leaving his dirty clothes in our shared hamper.

I am sorry Op, but this is a separation. Why you continued to do his laundry is your own issue, but “giving space” and living apart, even if still intimate, is a separation. Why would you want to be married to someone who verbally berates you and your kid? Being a crappy parent is a deal breaker for me and should be for you, too. If you need help to get out of the situation, please go online or call for help. If your DH has a mental condition that does not mean you have to tolerate bad behavior. Keep your kid safe. Be thankful for the filing. Please call 1.800.799.7233 if you need help from DV.

Don’t worry, I’m not washing his clothes. I just sift past them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go on the vacation. Kids sometimes like empty free time more than vacations anyway.

I would be tempted not to open the door, or to be out shopping, when the document server drops by.

Why? Avoiding service doesn't accomplish anything. Get the papers and then move forward. Wasting any energy trying to not get served is ridiculous.

I realize this sounds petty to you but for me personally it has always been important to maintain boundaries to show myself (and my ex) that I won’t be steamrolled. Because he would very much do that if he could. So yeah that means I am expending no effort for him including opening the door to a process server. I wouldn’t hide, but dude can wait to serve me on my time.

Just to be clear this post wasn’t me. I respect this position but I don’t want to create a situation where the server instead finds me at a school parking lot or sports field. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a preposterous thread title. It’s like saying the sun comes up in the east.

OP, you were talking divorce and he moved out. It happens. The idea that everyone actively co-parents or has a collaborative divorce is a myth.

Thanks, this is a good point. The insane thing is that in DH’s email telling me I would be served there’s a whole next paragraph saying that this will be a “collaborative process” and he expects that we will “coparent cooperatively.”

I mean sure, I’ll do 100% of what I can to make it work for my kid, but he isn’t exactly starting things off on the right foot. Cute that his attorney drafted that email for him, though. Wonder how much that paragraph cost.

Yeah that email is just to make him look good. Did you respond to it?

While it is true that you can still do a collaborative process even with the papers filed, it is laughable that he would try to claim that high ground, but it’s a tactic.

If you have not responded yet, just reply saying “received” and nothing else. Wait for your lawyer to coach you on a longer response.

Be extremely extremely careful to sound TOTALLY reasonable and factual in writing from here on out.

I actually sent a separate email only replying to one logistical question he raised in the email about a time that something was happening. I did not reply to the original email because until I have an attorney I didn’t want to implicitly agree to anything.

[Anonymous]

It might not be the promotion money as much as the psychological need to line up the timing of the divorce decision with the new role starting. A weird clean break.

The letter sounds like boilerplate. To me it just means he is expressing interest in custody.

I looked up borderline personality disorder and anger, impulsive decision-making, and wide swings in sentiment towards loved ones are all part of that.

Sometimes people don't get the same diseases as other family members but they share tendencies. I believe you that he could be suffering from lack of meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a trip with my child and the dog (or wont give a s…t about soon to be ex not having a dog sitter in this sitting).

While on the trip you can’t be served. My exH was avoiding being served for several months until he found a good lawyer.

You should do the same. It is indeed a very aggressive tactic to file straight for divorce without any prior negotiations of settlement.

Your STBX is a nutcase and I think it will be a bitter divorce because that’s how he’s starting it

DH told me that I will be served via email if I can’t be served in person. It may be allowed in my state.

I do like the word nutcase to describe him. Thank you. It’s the first time I’ve smiled this morning.

There is no state I can find that allows service by email with out the receiving party’s consent to that manner of service.

OP and really? Is DH crazy or does he think that notifying me by email counts as consent?

What do you mean? Consent to what? Being served is just a process of verification of receipt; the papers are already filed with the court and you’re legally entitled to be notified. “Being served” is no different than receiving certified mail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a trip with my child and the dog (or wont give a s…t about soon to be ex not having a dog sitter in this sitting).

While on the trip you can’t be served. My exH was avoiding being served for several months until he found a good lawyer.

You should do the same. It is indeed a very aggressive tactic to file straight for divorce without any prior negotiations of settlement.

Your STBX is a nutcase and I think it will be a bitter divorce because that’s how he’s starting it

DH told me that I will be served via email if I can’t be served in person. It may be allowed in my state.

I do like the word nutcase to describe him. Thank you. It’s the first time I’ve smiled this morning.

There is no state I can find that allows service by email with out the receiving party’s consent to that manner of service.

OP and really? Is DH crazy or does he think that notifying me by email counts as consent?

What do you mean? Consent to what? Being served is just a process of verification of receipt; the papers are already filed with the court and you’re legally entitled to be notified. “Being served” is no different than receiving certified mail.

I meant that he said I will be served by email and I’m wondering if sending me that notification in an email that I reply to somehow gets me to agree to consent to be served electronically rather than in person.

I’m mystified because I thought you had to be served in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might not be the promotion money as much as the psychological need to line up the timing of the divorce decision with the new role starting. A weird clean break.

The letter sounds like boilerplate. To me it just means he is expressing interest in custody.

I looked up borderline personality disorder and anger, impulsive decision-making, and wide swings in sentiment towards loved ones are all part of that.

Sometimes people don't get the same diseases as other family members but they share tendencies. I believe you that he could be suffering from lack of meds.

My mom looked up the same thing about borderline personality disorder and has been sending me little snippets via text. It does sound like what is happening but who really knows.