I?m upset that my kids don?t seem to care about getting married or having children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think popular culture is encouraging people not to have children. Long term, how will that impact us culturally, socially, etc.?

Think about it.

No. Millennials have noticed that motherhood sucks! Long-term...it will be better for the planet!

Long term, the people who actually care about the planet and who actually try to teach the next generation to treat the planet like a legacy for future generations - will have phased themselves and their values out. Don't you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but feel that DH and I did something wrong that all 3 of our grown kids have no interest in marriage or kids. We’ve been happily married for 35 years, and all our kids are doing well in terms of social, economic, emotional, and educational outlook. But the mid-thirties daughter bounces from one relationship to another, the late-twenties daughter has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years and talks vaguely about marriage but doesn’t seem to care one way or the other, and the late-twenties son is single and disinterested in dating.

I know my kids have the right to wait to have kids—or to be childfree—but I want to be a grandparent so badly. I’m having intense jealousy because both my sister and my SIL (husband’s sister) are about to become grandparents.

Ugh. Just venting.

The dating world is vastly different than it was in your time. Men of your generation were raised to quickly settled down with the first girl they love. That’s not what the world has been like in at least the last 25 years. There is so much more focus on career, finding yourself, having fun etc and less on finding someone quickly to start a family with.

Your older daughter may well want to be married with kids but is only encountering men that want to date. Same with your younger daughter. And you yourself say your son doesn’t really date.

If your children decide they want to be parents, then support them. Whether they are married or not. Too many women miss the opportunity to have children because they are all looking for the same guy. Single parenthood isn’t for everyone but it’s shame to see so many wonderful women not have the opportunity to be parents.

[Anonymous]

Offer free child care or to pay for a nanny. I wish my parents could help in that way and would remove a huge barrier to parenthood.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have offered free child care for the future, to be shared with my DD?s boyfriend?s mom. We?ve talked about taking care of any children so DD & her BF (potential DH) could work. This came up a couple of times over the past few years when DD mused about having kids.

I know this hesitancy to marry & have kids is a generational thing, but I?m struggling with understanding it. I?m supportive of all my kids and only share my frustration with my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered free child care for the future, to be shared with my DD?s boyfriend?s mom. We?ve talked about taking care of any children so DD & her BF (potential DH) could work. This came up a couple of times over the past few years when DD mused about having kids.

I know this hesitancy to marry & have kids is a generational thing, but I?m struggling with understanding it. I?m supportive of all my kids and only share my frustration with my DH.

Np. For your sanity just focus on other things. This is the thing you can't control so I would do something to distract myself. Even if you babysit your kids have the day to day reality of raising them. My kids talk about not having kids so I get wanting grandkids but there is nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Start picturing your future without weddings or grandbabies. Make peace what that might look like. Find ways to cultivate your own happiness.

Also, envision how you'll maintain ties with your adult children, outside of being a grandparent. Find ways to connect and be in their lives as peers.

Then, if weddings or babies or both come along, you'll have a great foundation to expand your life for such happiness. If not, you will have dealt with the grief already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered free child care for the future, to be shared with my DD?s boyfriend?s mom. We?ve talked about taking care of any children so DD & her BF (potential DH) could work. This came up a couple of times over the past few years when DD mused about having kids.

I know this hesitancy to marry & have kids is a generational thing, but I?m struggling with understanding it. I?m supportive of all my kids and only share my frustration with my DH.

Oh I think you have a chance then- just give in 4 or so more years. Most ppl have kids now in mid to late thirties. Out of selfish curiosity what is the big draw to grand kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered free child care for the future, to be shared with my DD?s boyfriend?s mom. We?ve talked about taking care of any children so DD & her BF (potential DH) could work. This came up a couple of times over the past few years when DD mused about having kids.

I know this hesitancy to marry & have kids is a generational thing, but I?m struggling with understanding it. I?m supportive of all my kids and only share my frustration with my DH.

The hesitancy is that life is different now. My mom still thinks that a woman having to bear the burden of all the child care and house chores is just the way things are, and she marvels that my DH does a lot in the house. Woman now a days don't accept the role the older generation (like you) have imposed on the younger generation. Women have more choices now. Why would they subscribe to a role early on in their lives that means giving up their freedom? Let's face it.. having kids means no more freedom and independence.

I am pushing 50, and I waited till 35 to have my first child; married in my early 30s and didn't really date until my early 30s. My brother got married when he was 40.

I have told my children (tween/teens) to not get married too young. Wait till AT LEAST 30, then wait to have kids if they can. Live your life; have fun, then settle down.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the perspective—it helps! As for the draw, I want more than anything to snuggle the baby from my baby. I know it’s not logical. I wasn’t even a baby person 30+ years ago when my kids were little. But there’s something about seeing my own child raise his or her own child that is awe-inspiring. I don’t think I can put it into words (clearly).

[Anonymous]

I get where you're coming from, OP, mine is still a toddler and I'm thinking about how I can help her with her kid(s).

But this is your issue not manage, and you're right not to say anything to them. Kids coming of age now are living in a very different world with a heightened awareness of the impact of every decision they make. Let them work it out. They may decide to be older parents or remain child free. They may have happy, loving, committed relationships with partners who will never be spouses. It's all okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective—it helps! As for the draw, I want more than anything to snuggle the baby from my baby. I know it’s not logical. I wasn’t even a baby person 30+ years ago when my kids were little. But there’s something about seeing my own child raise his or her own child that is awe-inspiring. I don’t think I can put it into words (clearly).

I'm the pushing 50 PP... I hear ya. I can't wait to hold my grandbaby in my arms one day (I hope), and then give the baby back to my kids when the baby gets fussy. See.. that's the thing... as grandparents, we don't have to deal with the hard part of parenting. We just want the lovely part of holding a sweet baby in our arms. But our children have to deal with the 24/7 stress of raising children. I don't want to put that on them if they are not ready just for my own selfish reasons. But yes, it would be amazing to see my children be parents one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective—it helps! As for the draw, I want more than anything to snuggle the baby from my baby. I know it’s not logical. I wasn’t even a baby person 30+ years ago when my kids were little. But there’s something about seeing my own child raise his or her own child that is awe-inspiring. I don’t think I can put it into words (clearly).

I'm the pushing 50 PP... I hear ya. I can't wait to hold my grandbaby in my arms one day (I hope), and then give the baby back to my kids when the baby gets fussy. See.. that's the thing... as grandparents, we don't have to deal with the hard part of parenting. We just want the lovely part of holding a sweet baby in our arms. But our children have to deal with the 24/7 stress of raising children. I don't want to put that on them if they are not ready just for my own selfish reasons. But yes, it would be amazing to see my children be parents one day.

But OP wants to watch the babies part time which means more than just handing the baby back. I guess I’m not at the stage of being a grandma but I don’t see the point of raising kids and then wanting to spend retirement raising kids again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective—it helps! As for the draw, I want more than anything to snuggle the baby from my baby. I know it’s not logical. I wasn’t even a baby person 30+ years ago when my kids were little. But there’s something about seeing my own child raise his or her own child that is awe-inspiring. I don’t think I can put it into words (clearly).

I'm the pushing 50 PP... I hear ya. I can't wait to hold my grandbaby in my arms one day (I hope), and then give the baby back to my kids when the baby gets fussy. See.. that's the thing... as grandparents, we don't have to deal with the hard part of parenting. We just want the lovely part of holding a sweet baby in our arms. But our children have to deal with the 24/7 stress of raising children. I don't want to put that on them if they are not ready just for my own selfish reasons. But yes, it would be amazing to see my children be parents one day.

But OP wants to watch the babies part time which means more than just handing the baby back. I guess I’m not at the stage of being a grandma but I don’t see the point of raising kids and then wanting to spend retirement raising kids again?

PT is still not waking up in the middle of the night for months/years on end. Maybe OP had easy babies; maybe OP has forgotten what it's like to be a parent of toddlers and their never ending supply of energy; maybe OP doesn't mind all of that.

There's this thing called "mommynesia", and it's why many of us have more than one babies. There's no such word as "daddynesia", and I hardly ever hear older men talk about wanting grandbabies so much. IMO, this is a woman thing that clearly stays with us well into our 50s and 60s.

[Anonymous]

People get married and have kids much later these days. Only one of my first cousins is married with kids, the other 6 are between 35 and 50, 2 are married, none have kids. They hail from Europe and Asia, so this spans cultures.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are hard as you know. You can’t force it, they can’t force it. Let things play out as they are meant to.