I?m upset that my kids don?t seem to care about getting married or having children

[Anonymous]

Are their friends married with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sounds like my mother. I am married but don’t have kids because we’re struggling with infertility. My two siblings are not in relationships because they’ve tried and had terrible experiences. We don’t tell her any of this because she won’t shut up about grandkids. We just stop telling her anything at all.

You haven't told your mother about going through infertility? She will likely be devasted that you did not share that with her. She already knows about your siblings' issues. Why not just level with her. Why all the secrecy. She has no idea, which is why she's bringing it up.

Because all the pressure about kids does not make this the kind of relationship where I feel like I can be vulnerable and honest. So anyone putting pressure on your kids... this could be you.

I am not OP. I am also not putting pressure on my kids- not even sure OP actually is. But there's two issues here. The fact that you are going through infertility issues, and have been for sometime, without once mentioning this to your Mom is really the problem. Pretty sure once she knows, she will feel awful for the discussion around grandchildren. I think you have this backwards. You are actually creating the situation between you and your Mom. It's almost as if you are taking your anger with regard to not being successful thus far with fertility treatments on her, because if she didn't ever mention it all of this wouldn't be a heartbreak. No, it's still a heartbreak, but now we've added layers of blame.

Just say, " You know, it's painful for all of us, Mom. Here's why: ....."

Her response will be something to the effect of horror that she didn't know. ...for a lot of reasons.
You may be successful, you may not be, in fertility, but you alone have the power to stop this cycle of discussion that leads nowhere and only adds to the stress.

[Anonymous]

No, her mom created the issue by being inappropriate about pressuring her to have kids. This is 100% on mom.

If she tells then she’ll have to deal with constant inquiries as to how things are going, and that can be very painful. I don’t blame her one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, her mom created the issue by being inappropriate about pressuring her to have kids. This is 100% on mom.

If she tells then she’ll have to deal with constant inquiries as to how things are going, and that can be very painful. I don’t blame her one bit.

Yeah, you've already punished Mom for something that she HAS NOT DONE, and is using it as an excuse for not telling her, creating a further situation of endless inquiry.
PP can explain and then also say " Please don't ask me about it. " Pretty sure this woman's friends know. Does she react the same way when her friends ask? You know they do.

And she will not. Who the f would, after that discussion?

Stop villifying people with assumptions. This isn't about kids anymore- it's really bad communication, and learning to grow up and stop acting like your parents all have some cognitive disability because they aren't on Reddit or lG all day. You may learn something. You may feel better.

[Anonymous]

Who needs kids when you have 200 plants who need you. And...you can go on vacation! It all makes sense now.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/millennials-obsessed-houseplants-instagram_l_5d7a976de4b01c1970c433b9

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are their friends married with kids?

What does that have to do with anything? Do you seriously think someone would make such big life changes because their friends are doing it? This isn't high school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can understand where you're coming from. I have one child in elementary school, but I can imagine wanting grandchildren at some point and feeling disappointed at not having any. I think it's natural, so I'm not sure why some PPs are being so harsh. That said, you got some good advice about making sure not to nag and just be supportive, hoping that your kids' lives turn out in ways that make them happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

It's a rarity to read that, and if you do, you will notice that she's upset about her adult kids.

You seem to think that there is pressure from grandparents for their own selfish needs. If yoy ask most people, they will say it's really about their enjoyment of watching their kids have a family...not about what they are getting out of it. And, even if it's something they want...what is selfish? To love a child, to help take care of a child, to watch the bridge ftom generation to generation?

I imagine all these 30 somethings at 44, 55, 65, 75...sure hope they looooooove their career because when it's all said and done, it's the family that counts, not the promotions, the marble backsplash, the cars...These grandparents are wishing for their kids' lives....the joys and the future..for when they won't even be here. If not kids, then a life partner, a family- something fulfilling other than things.

It's not always about being selfish. Parents generally want their kids to be happy, and they carry the perspective from before they were parents, to when their parents became grandparents, etc. They experienced that connection between the generations. People without kids don't understand that...they don't understand that type of love, so they decide it must be selfishness on the parents' part. Maybe these parents just love their kids . So, don't have children, it is your choice, and no one can demand or insist that you do, but don't try to explain what you don't know about to someone who does know. No, they aren't being selfish. Kids aren't things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

It's a rarity to read that, and if you do, you will notice that she's upset about her adult kids.

You seem to think that there is pressure from grandparents for their own selfish needs. If yoy ask most people, they will say it's really about their enjoyment of watching their kids have a family...not about what they are getting out of it. And, even if it's something they want...what is selfish? To love a child, to help take care of a child, to watch the bridge ftom generation to generation?

I imagine all these 30 somethings at 44, 55, 65, 75...sure hope they looooooove their career because when it's all said and done, it's the family that counts, not the promotions, the marble backsplash, the cars...These grandparents are wishing for their kids' lives....the joys and the future..for when they won't even be here. If not kids, then a life partner, a family- something fulfilling other than things.

It's not always about being selfish. Parents generally want their kids to be happy, and they carry the perspective from before they were parents, to when their parents became grandparents, etc. They experienced that connection between the generations. People without kids don't understand that...they don't understand that type of love, so they decide it must be selfishness on the parents' part. Maybe these parents just love their kids . So, don't have children, it is your choice, and no one can demand or insist that you do, but don't try to explain what you don't know about to someone who does know. No, they aren't being selfish. Kids aren't things.

Repeat after me. Not everybody wants that lifestyle. Not everybody is family-oriented. I know I'm not! Of course I love my family, but my work is going to come first. Some people want to put their career first. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes for different folks. End of discussion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

It's a rarity to read that, and if you do, you will notice that she's upset about her adult kids.

You seem to think that there is pressure from grandparents for their own selfish needs. If yoy ask most people, they will say it's really about their enjoyment of watching their kids have a family...not about what they are getting out of it. And, even if it's something they want...what is selfish? To love a child, to help take care of a child, to watch the bridge ftom generation to generation?

I imagine all these 30 somethings at 44, 55, 65, 75...sure hope they looooooove their career because when it's all said and done, it's the family that counts, not the promotions, the marble backsplash, the cars...These grandparents are wishing for their kids' lives....the joys and the future..for when they won't even be here. If not kids, then a life partner, a family- something fulfilling other than things.

It's not always about being selfish. Parents generally want their kids to be happy, and they carry the perspective from before they were parents, to when their parents became grandparents, etc. They experienced that connection between the generations. People without kids don't understand that...they don't understand that type of love, so they decide it must be selfishness on the parents' part. Maybe these parents just love their kids . So, don't have children, it is your choice, and no one can demand or insist that you do, but don't try to explain what you don't know about to someone who does know. No, they aren't being selfish. Kids aren't things.

Repeat after me. Not everybody wants that lifestyle. Not everybody is family-oriented. I know I'm not! Of course I love my family, but my work is going to come first. Some people want to put their career first. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes for different folks. End of discussion!

No prob, girl. But your parents are not selfish, old fashioned, stupid, domineering,pushy, not relevant, mean, clueless. In your case, they probably support your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

Wait what happens at 48? I am 47 and don't regret not having kids (yet). Is something going to change in the next year? Please prepare me!

[Anonymous]

I am the 47 year old without kids - and you know what OP? I totally get where you're at. I never wanted kids but I think it would be fantastic to have grandkids - grandkids seem like a total blast, and I don't blame you for being a little cheesed you don't have any on the horizon, esp if your friends are getting some.

I don't have any answer. Wanting something deeply and not having the power to get it is frustrating! You have to be careful how you talk to your kids about this - my parents have largely been really great about the fact I never reproduced, though my mother recently offhandedly asked if she'd made a mistake not putting more pressure on me, and I got very upset when she said that. I guess you can say what you want if you're willing to risk the repercussions.

I odn't think there's actually any answer. Just hang tight. With three kids changes are ONE of them will reproduce at some point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are their friends married with kids?

What does that have to do with anything? Do you seriously think someone would make such big life changes because their friends are doing it? This isn't high school!

I think the pressure or insight to make a significant life change can occur when you see a friend go through it. It stops feeling strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

Wait what happens at 48? I am 47 and don't regret not having kids (yet). Is something going to change in the next year? Please prepare me!

Feel free to grow older without family, if that's your preference. Check on many other threads here about aging parents. Additionally, you eventually will retire and realize that your career was just a job. Maybe you have an ongoing support network, lots of friends who are also childless, but that would be a rarity.