I?m upset that my kids don?t seem to care about getting married or having children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think popular culture is encouraging people not to have children. Long term, how will that impact us culturally, socially, etc.?

Think about it.

No. Millennials have noticed that motherhood sucks! Long-term...it will be better for the planet!

Motherhood doesn't suck but the paradigm for how it should be done needs to change. All this Type A/control freak/helicopter mothering isn't the way to do it and it's bad for moms and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think popular culture is encouraging people not to have children. Long term, how will that impact us culturally, socially, etc.?

Think about it.

No. Millennials have noticed that motherhood sucks! Long-term...it will be better for the planet!

Motherhood doesn't suck but the paradigm for how it should be done needs to change. All this Type A/control freak/helicopter mothering isn't the way to do it and it's bad for moms and kids.

I think you hit it on the head. Plus, the messaging now includes having everything before the kid comes, career in full mode, high income, a large place. There's no stepping stones. And still.....the woman bears most of the brunt.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective—it helps! As for the draw, I want more than anything to snuggle the baby from my baby. I know it’s not logical. I wasn’t even a baby person 30+ years ago when my kids were little. But there’s something about seeing my own child raise his or her own child that is awe-inspiring. I don’t think I can put it into words (clearly).

I'm the pushing 50 PP... I hear ya. I can't wait to hold my grandbaby in my arms one day (I hope), and then give the baby back to my kids when the baby gets fussy. See.. that's the thing... as grandparents, we don't have to deal with the hard part of parenting. We just want the lovely part of holding a sweet baby in our arms. But our children have to deal with the 24/7 stress of raising children. I don't want to put that on them if they are not ready just for my own selfish reasons. But yes, it would be amazing to see my children be parents one day.

But OP wants to watch the babies part time which means more than just handing the baby back. I guess I’m not at the stage of being a grandma but I don’t see the point of raising kids and then wanting to spend retirement raising kids again?

PT is still not waking up in the middle of the night for months/years on end. Maybe OP had easy babies; maybe OP has forgotten what it's like to be a parent of toddlers and their never ending supply of energy; maybe OP doesn't mind all of that.

There's this thing called "mommynesia", and it's why many of us have more than one babies. There's no such word as "daddynesia", and I hardly ever hear older men talk about wanting grandbabies so much. IMO, this is a woman thing that clearly stays with us well into our 50s and 60s.

My kids are only teens right now but I'm also looking forward to (I hope) having grandchildren and helping out as a babysitter. i haven't forgotten what babies/toddlers/preschoolers are like. I *loved* those years. Yes, my babies were easy so that helped but I just find little kids so much fun. But, Ii can see why someone who thought the little-kid years were a slog to get through not at all appealing to go through again.


My kids are slightly older than you but, I can't imagine looking forward to my kids having grandchildren. Before anyone says anything I know people are different! I am looking forward to helping them become independent and then doing things that my husband and I want to do. I raised the kids and now I would like to take classes, travel with my husband etc etc Obviously this is before Covid-19. I'm also looking forward to seeing what my children become and hopefully they will want to travel and make more memories just the four of us before they get into serious relationships. I want them to enjoy their 20s without the responsibilities of marriage and children.

If they choose never to marry or have kids I am ok with that.
I won't be surprised if DD doesn't have kids or waits a long time but I hope DS is able to have kids -- he's wonderful with little children and is the rare teen boy who is an in-demand babysitter.

I'm the PP who said I look forward to grandchildren. That doesn't mean I want my kids to have kids young! Yes, I want them to enjoy their 20s, explore, find great partners, establish careers they love. But, parenting has also been a wonderful part of my life and I hope they have that too, ideally in their 30s (by which time I'll be in my 60s, retired and happy to help to the degree they'd like me to)

But what if they don't want that until they are in their 40s or ever?

I'm one of the pps you quoted. Most people do want to find someone to share a life with but if th hey choose to remain single or not have children I will support them. It is their life.

[Anonymous]

If anyone single reads the crazy threads on DCUM, I wouldn't be surprised that they think of marriage or children as just added stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anyone single reads the crazy threads on DCUM, I wouldn't be surprised that they think of marriage or children as just added stress.

+1

I'm single and childless by choice. I found DCUM through your travel and real estate forums. I read some of the parenting and relationships threads and some of them make me so happy that I'm not married with kids, because those threads makes it sound miserable and soul-sucking.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the prior comments, but have had a rash of friends, female and male, having their first babies in their early 40s this year. That may not be ideal from a young grandma perspective but I was surprised at how many I had assumed would remain childless ended up really committed and successful at having a child at this age.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

Wait what happens at 48? I am 47 and don't regret not having kids (yet). Is something going to change in the next year? Please prepare me!

Feel free to grow older without family, if that's your preference. Check on many other threads here about aging parents. Additionally, you eventually will retire and realize that your career was just a job. Maybe you have an ongoing support network, lots of friends who are also childless, but that would be a rarity.

Oh I see - you're telling me life is meaningless without children and one day I will be forced to realize that, even if I have zero interest in raising kids. Got it. Thanks!

NP. These outdated attitudes are funny. I am 45 and also wondering what will happen in the next couple of years to suddenly make me fall apart. I already see my career as just a job. A lot of younger people do. They don't invest in those things as the be all and end all. I love my life and don't think it's a rarity to have lots of friends who are childless. Most of my friends all in their 40's don't have children some through circumstance some by choice however it is not a rarity in my life. I also have friends who are parents.

I thought I was going to grow older with family. I have siblings and cousins all who have children, I'm pretty sure they are still family. I don't have the same fears as you about growing older without children. I have always been very independent.

Life isn't a box that everyone falls into and one size fits all. Some people wanted children and are happy to have them, I just don't for the life of me understand why they can't understand that there are other people who don't want children and are just as happy. Really people are so different how can people not understand that.

As for falling apart now that may be the moms at work, they have to have wine to just get through the evening and the stories I hear of them sitting in their car outside their house because they don't want to face what's inside. Meh people will fall apart at some stage in their life over something but for me it won't be related to whether I have children.

[Anonymous]

Everyone just do what you want. However, having kids is something people cannot fully understand until they happen. No one can say " It seems awful." It doesn't work like that. Secondly, it's OK for Grandma to be sad. You can't fault grandparents who were looking forward to seeing the family expand and flourish. That's not a crime. Grandma is not crazy.

Having said that, one cannot be persuaded into doing it, nor should they be guilted into doing it. Finally, there are many people that definitely should not have kids. At all. No argument, there. Please, please- do not have kids. Save us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

But if you are childfree..who cares! Actually it is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

It's a rarity to read that, and if you do, you will notice that she's upset about her adult kids.

You seem to think that there is pressure from grandparents for their own selfish needs. If yoy ask most people, they will say it's really about their enjoyment of watching their kids have a family...not about what they are getting out of it. And, even if it's something they want...what is selfish? To love a child, to help take care of a child, to watch the bridge ftom generation to generation?

I imagine all these 30 somethings at 44, 55, 65, 75...sure hope they looooooove their career because when it's all said and done, it's the family that counts, not the promotions, the marble backsplash, the cars...These grandparents are wishing for their kids' lives....the joys and the future..for when they won't even be here. If not kids, then a life partner, a family- something fulfilling other than things.

It's not always about being selfish. Parents generally want their kids to be happy, and they carry the perspective from before they were parents, to when their parents became grandparents, etc. They experienced that connection between the generations. People without kids don't understand that...they don't understand that type of love, so they decide it must be selfishness on the parents' part. Maybe these parents just love their kids . So, don't have children, it is your choice, and no one can demand or insist that you do, but don't try to explain what you don't know about to someone who does know. No, they aren't being selfish. Kids aren't things.

Repeat after me. Not everybody wants that lifestyle. Not everybody is family-oriented. I know I'm not! Of course I love my family, but my work is going to come first. Some people want to put their career first. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes for different folks. End of discussion!

This! Also some women do not care about their careers and still are not interested in having kids. It is not either/or. Just no interest! Some women are not interested in being a parent anymore than they would be interested in being a plumber. Don’t know why do hard to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone just do what you want. However, having kids is something people cannot fully understand until they happen. No one can say " It seems awful." It doesn't work like that. Secondly, it's OK for Grandma to be sad. You can't fault grandparents who were looking forward to seeing the family expand and flourish. That's not a crime. Grandma is not crazy.

Having said that, one cannot be persuaded into doing it, nor should they be guilted into doing it. Finally, there are many people that definitely should not have kids. At all. No argument, there. Please, please- do not have kids. Save us all.

And plenty of people who should NOT have had kids. Plenty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.

Yes, the OP's narrative is "I want my children to have children so that I can enjoy grandchildren". But children doesn't make everyone happy. OP, check out the 'I mostly regret my children" thread that is gaining replies now. You might have some perspective after reading through the responses.

It's a rarity to read that, and if you do, you will notice that she's upset about her adult kids.

You seem to think that there is pressure from grandparents for their own selfish needs. If yoy ask most people, they will say it's really about their enjoyment of watching their kids have a family...not about what they are getting out of it. And, even if it's something they want...what is selfish? To love a child, to help take care of a child, to watch the bridge ftom generation to generation?

I imagine all these 30 somethings at 44, 55, 65, 75...sure hope they looooooove their career because when it's all said and done, it's the family that counts, not the promotions, the marble backsplash, the cars...These grandparents are wishing for their kids' lives....the joys and the future..for when they won't even be here. If not kids, then a life partner, a family- something fulfilling other than things.

It's not always about being selfish. Parents generally want their kids to be happy, and they carry the perspective from before they were parents, to when their parents became grandparents, etc. They experienced that connection between the generations. People without kids don't understand that...they don't understand that type of love, so they decide it must be selfishness on the parents' part. Maybe these parents just love their kids . So, don't have children, it is your choice, and no one can demand or insist that you do, but don't try to explain what you don't know about to someone who does know. No, they aren't being selfish. Kids aren't things.

Repeat after me. Not everybody wants that lifestyle. Not everybody is family-oriented. I know I'm not! Of course I love my family, but my work is going to come first. Some people want to put their career first. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes for different folks. End of discussion!

This! Also some women do not care about their careers and still are not interested in having kids. It is not either/or. Just no interest! Some women are not interested in being a parent anymore than they would be interested in being a plumber. Don’t know why do hard to understand.

Yeah, plumber= parenthood ??....Nope, not the same, poor analogy.
And please, don't have kids. Or fix my toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but feel that DH and I did something wrong that all 3 of our grown kids have no interest in marriage or kids. We’ve been happily married for 35 years, and all our kids are doing well in terms of social, economic, emotional, and educational outlook. But the mid-thirties daughter bounces from one relationship to another, the late-twenties daughter has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years and talks vaguely about marriage but doesn’t seem to care one way or the other, and the late-twenties son is single and disinterested in dating.

I know my kids have the right to wait to have kids—or to be childfree—but I want to be a grandparent so badly. I’m having intense jealousy because both my sister and my SIL (husband’s sister) are about to become grandparents.

Ugh. Just venting.

I have not read all the responces. But when you look at your OP, you emphasize social, economic, emotional and educational outlook. If this was the values/priorities instilled in them when you raised them, then why are you surprised now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but feel that DH and I did something wrong that all 3 of our grown kids have no interest in marriage or kids. We’ve been happily married for 35 years, and all our kids are doing well in terms of social, economic, emotional, and educational outlook. But the mid-thirties daughter bounces from one relationship to another, the late-twenties daughter has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years and talks vaguely about marriage but doesn’t seem to care one way or the other, and the late-twenties son is single and disinterested in dating.

I know my kids have the right to wait to have kids—or to be childfree—but I want to be a grandparent so badly. I’m having intense jealousy because both my sister and my SIL (husband’s sister) are about to become grandparents.

Ugh. Just venting.

I have not read all the responces. But when you look at your OP, you emphasize social, economic, emotional and educational outlook. If this was the values/priorities instilled in them when you raised them, then why are you surprised now?

Seems to me that OP emphasizes the lack of relationships. What is wrong with social and emotional
concerns? Not sure where you've come up with your conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but feel that DH and I did something wrong that all 3 of our grown kids have no interest in marriage or kids. We’ve been happily married for 35 years, and all our kids are doing well in terms of social, economic, emotional, and educational outlook. But the mid-thirties daughter bounces from one relationship to another, the late-twenties daughter has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years and talks vaguely about marriage but doesn’t seem to care one way or the other, and the late-twenties son is single and disinterested in dating.

I know my kids have the right to wait to have kids—or to be childfree—but I want to be a grandparent so badly. I’m having intense jealousy because both my sister and my SIL (husband’s sister) are about to become grandparents.

Ugh. Just venting.

I have not read all the responces. But when you look at your OP, you emphasize social, economic, emotional and educational outlook. If this was the values/priorities instilled in them when you raised them, then why are you surprised now?

Seems to me that OP emphasizes the lack of relationships. What is wrong with social and emotional
concerns? Not sure where you've come up with your conclusion.

Nothing wrong with that. But if OP instilled those values over family values into her children, then she should not be surprised that her children chasing education/career/financial success first.