I?m upset that my kids don?t seem to care about getting married or having children

[Anonymous]

Then you live with it! The point of raising children was not getting grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Oh dear.

I'm 38 years old and have two children. I've been married for nearly all of my adult life. My college friends' parents are constantly using me to guilt them into getting married and having children.

It's been a brutal road. I don't regret my choices, but watching me struggle has really influenced my friends' choices to wait and take it slower. I am very fortunate in many ways, and my friends know what I have faced better than anyone. I don't feel superior (!) for choosing differently, and I don't envy them. I wish their parents would respect their choices and not use my life, which they don't know well, to suit their agenda.

If you entertain these thoughts on a forum, then I bet your children have heard them and have learned to keep their struggles and fears from you.

For the record, my parents are terribly disappointed in me, and I look like I have the perfect life. It's likely that you will never be happy with your children's choices. As a mother myself, it amazes me that anyone can entertain these thoughts about their adult children. Your children must be doing pretty well for you to be so privileged as to have these feelings. No one is entitled to grandchildren.

What have you gone through that would be such a cautionary tale? Why is having a family such a dilemma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

Isn't society informing millennials with a fantasy as well? Pretty sure that will fall apart let say around 48 to 55. I guess everyone's idea of fantasy is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

+1 Plus, I can't imagine any caring parent having a desire to see their own kids bring new children into this world right now. I feel horrible for my own kids and cannot imagine they want to subject others to this nightmare.

What nightmare? Covid? Trump? What?
You have a only generation without nightmares? What about the Holocaust- are the survivors sorry to be here? Their descendants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

+1 Plus, I can't imagine any caring parent having a desire to see their own kids bring new children into this world right now. I feel horrible for my own kids and cannot imagine they want to subject others to this nightmare.

What nightmare? Covid? Trump? What?
You have a only generation without nightmares? What about the Holocaust- are the survivors sorry to be here? Their descendants?

I grew up Hasidic and the whole Holocaust excuse is a terrible terrible guilt trip for women in the community. Please don’t try it here. If I didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have the consciousness to care would I? Guilting people into marriage and children is emotional blackmail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

+1 Plus, I can't imagine any caring parent having a desire to see their own kids bring new children into this world right now. I feel horrible for my own kids and cannot imagine they want to subject others to this nightmare.

What nightmare? Covid? Trump? What?
You have a only generation without nightmares? What about the Holocaust- are the survivors sorry to be here? Their descendants?

I grew up Hasidic and the whole Holocaust excuse is a terrible terrible guilt trip for women in the community. Please don’t try it here. If I didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have the consciousness to care would I? Guilting people into marriage and children is emotional blackmail.

You misunderstood my entire point. My point was that there is nothing going on NOW that supersedes any other time in history. Her point was about bringing children in to this world in a "nightmare time." I don't give a flying fart if she has kids or not, and I'm certainly not using the Holocaust as a reason to have them...where on earth did you extract THAT from my comment?

I asked "What is the nightmare?"
I do not condone the orthodox view of replenishing the population. This in no way was indicated in my response. Calm down.

[Anonymous]

OP you sounds like my mother. I am married but don’t have kids because we’re struggling with infertility. My two siblings are not in relationships because they’ve tried and had terrible experiences. We don’t tell her any of this because she won’t shut up about grandkids. We just stop telling her anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sounds like my mother. I am married but don’t have kids because we’re struggling with infertility. My two siblings are not in relationships because they’ve tried and had terrible experiences. We don’t tell her any of this because she won’t shut up about grandkids. We just stop telling her anything at all.

You haven't told your mother about going through infertility? She will likely be devasted that you did not share that with her. She already knows about your siblings' issues. Why not just level with her. Why all the secrecy. She has no idea, which is why she's bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sounds like my mother. I am married but don’t have kids because we’re struggling with infertility. My two siblings are not in relationships because they’ve tried and had terrible experiences. We don’t tell her any of this because she won’t shut up about grandkids. We just stop telling her anything at all.

My mom made a huge fuss to have grandkids. She is the most uninvolved grandparent I know. A few phone calls and visits a year and we live 10 minutes away. She's too busy. And, if we are lucky a $25 birthday present. Kid graduated from a school this year.. she has no idea or cares.

[Anonymous]

OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sounds like my mother. I am married but don’t have kids because we’re struggling with infertility. My two siblings are not in relationships because they’ve tried and had terrible experiences. We don’t tell her any of this because she won’t shut up about grandkids. We just stop telling her anything at all.

You haven't told your mother about going through infertility? She will likely be devasted that you did not share that with her. She already knows about your siblings' issues. Why not just level with her. Why all the secrecy. She has no idea, which is why she's bringing it up.

Because all the pressure about kids does not make this the kind of relationship where I feel like I can be vulnerable and honest. So anyone putting pressure on your kids... this could be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Late 20’s is too young to marry

Not really. Female fertility declines quickly in your 30s.

Not everything in life is about marriage and babies! Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone wants that type of lifestyle?! Instead of OP mourning that she might not get grandchildren, she should be proud that her kids are thinking for themselves and not conforming to what society thinks they should be doing.

+1 Plus, I can't imagine any caring parent having a desire to see their own kids bring new children into this world right now. I feel horrible for my own kids and cannot imagine they want to subject others to this nightmare.

What nightmare? Covid? Trump? What?
You have a only generation without nightmares? What about the Holocaust- are the survivors sorry to be here? Their descendants? [/quote

Let's just start with global warming. That in and of itself is enough reason not to keep populating the planet. Then we have global pandemics--and this is just a taste of what's to come. Starvation. Racism. Private equity taking over the world economy and robbing all but 1% of opportunity and ultimately personal freedom. It is the end of the world as we know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When I read this thread, I was struck by how much it mirrored my own experience, and then I realized I’d started it.

Things are the same. Kids still: #1 dating but not settling down; #2 dating for 5+ years and not committed (though she still talks about marriage and kids); and #3 not dating at all, and he recently came out as asexual (which...makes sense).

I love them and they love me, and I will continue to wait and try to be patient for what comes next. By my age, my mom was a grandparent several times over. Maybe in a decade I will be a grandmother. Fingers crossed!

OP, you sound insufferable. Be more concerned with your children's physical and mental well-being than wishing that they fulfill your emotional void to be a grandparent.

She seems to be very concerned about her kids. Stop inserting your own projections.

NP here. I disagree. She doesn't show any concern for her kids. Just herself. I see that a lot these days. Very selfish grandmas.