I?m upset that my kids don?t seem to care about getting married or having children
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Anonymous
Not in my case! Watching friends and acquaintances get married and have babies made me happy that it wasn't me! I'll keep my independence, thank you. |
Anonymous
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My parents were quite extreme about wanting grandkids by American standards. It's partly cultural (East Asian), and partly their personality. Constant berating, pressuring, and guilt tripping, b/c they had absolutely no sense of boundaries. I was going through marital and fertility issues, and learned the hard way never to share any intimate details about my life with them lest they throw it in my face later. So yes, I was tight lipped about my personal struggles, b/c if I tell them we were having fertility issues, my mom would say (and she had said it), well if you got married earlier like we wanted you to and started trying sooner, you would not have these problems. They would NOT let up and honestly, those years before I had kids were pretty awful in terms of my relationship with my parents. It's like they were laser focused on me having children.
Yeah, I believe the pp who said she cannot tell her mom about her fertility struggles. Some parents are just that clueless and unwittingly pushing their children away. |
Anonymous
Many of the responses are affirming the having a child route, not the other way around. The perspective is this: not everything worthwhile is always easy, and everyone has rough patches in everything we do. |
Anonymous
Having children isn't always worthwhile. Stop thinking in universal terms. |
Anonymous
OP, I'm Asian too and your parents sound toxic like mine. Why put up with them? I cut mine off a long time ago and I'm so much happier for it. No more stress or feeling obliged to take their annoying calls. I don't think the culture acknowledges that people have feelings. To Asian parents, we are just props to maintain their status in their community. |
Anonymous
Oh I see - you're telling me life is meaningless without children and one day I will be forced to realize that, even if I have zero interest in raising kids. Got it. Thanks! |
Anonymous
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This isn't something you can control, so you need to find a way to process and let go. Maybe they'll have kids, maybe one will, maybe neither will. It's not about you and what you did right.
I have an uncle/aunt with three grown kids (40s, 50s) and none do or will have children and none are currently married. They are all kind of weirdly stunted and not very accomplished, but smart and educated, so who knows what went wrong there. It's likely a "something happened in the house" situation. My SIL and her brother never wanted kids. Not ever. Parents are lovely, normal seeming, and the mom is devastated. Lots of resentment from adult daughter that her mother never accepted her agency and always framed it as "when Larla has kids" or "someday they'll change their mind" peppered with stores about how they decided to have a second kid...totally different. It's been a sad thing to watch. Can't say I wouldn't feel devastated too but it's not a good dynamic. I'd advise you to see a therapist and figure out how to let your kids know that you respect and value their life choices. If they can feel comfortable telling you what's up and know you'd have their back more than you'd hold out hope that they'll change their minds, your relationships with your children will be better for it. Nothing you can do about it, but you can do that. |
Anonymous
It isn't motherhood itself; it is the current expectation that women literally do it all, and the reality that that isn't sustainably possible and absolutely leads to unhappiness in one way or another. And then the inevitable in fighting about one's opinion about all of it. |
Anonymous
And the cost. Living is so expensive. Raising a child is so expensive. Wages are stagnated. I think a lot of people are just looking at the numbers, and the work, and saying no thanks. |
Anonymous
True, narcissists absolutely should not have children. |
Anonymous
OK stop with the "people who don't want kids must be narcissists" nonsense. See the toxic parents whose children never want to tell them anything upthread? This attitude of yours is guaranteed to push away what kids you have when they become adults. |
Anonymous
+10000 No argument here. |
Anonymous
Are we on the same forum? None of those threads express any gratitude or love for dealing with aging parents/in-laws. In fact, one of them actually states that the DW feels resentment about the situation and it's hard on their marriage. You do realize that your children have to lead their lives and that means that you will be on a backburner right? There's also another thread about parents who have young adult children and many have stated that they may just be found rotting in their homes if they die. Having children is no guarantee of anything in life. |
Anonymous
Of course. It certainly isn't a guarantee of anything. Pretty sure that is universally accepted. |
Anonymous
OP, be careful what you wish for. My mom had the same lament and within a four year time span my siblings and I (all in our 30s) got married and had children. It was tough for my mom because we all live in different states and she and my dad were constantly traveling to meet new grand babies (8 total) and to stay and help us. A couple of times two of us were pregnant at the same time and due just weeks apart. |