How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this your brother in law, but your family (i.e., your father). I'm not getting the dynamic.

I agree, it's early and a lot has to be sorted out - the kids are probably reeling. But soon, and perhaps gradually, some lines are going to have to be drawn. If they are coming to your house for dinner, after the next belch, excuse them from the table.

You need to strike a fine line of being welcoming, but firm. So make alliances with the new wife, and gently let her know what is and isn't acceptable. Reach out to the daughters and do one on one things. Have whomever is closest to the BIL talk regularly to him.

The reason I ask how is the BIL related when it's your father is I wonder if the BIL has strong enough ties to the family. Is he only participating because of his daughters? If so, are there ways to suggest having daughters stay at family compound, without entire family needing to be there?

He is my husband's brother. It's my sides family home but extended family are welcome.

I think making an alliance with the new wife is a fantastic idea. We haven't had enough time to really become friends yet, but I think that might help. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I would hang out with your nieces as much as possible under the guise of "aunt-niece" time. I wouldn't focus so much on "girl time" unless you want the new stepmom along, which the girls may not. How close were you to the nieces when their mom was alive? Would it feel contrived for them that you suddenly want to hang out?

As for the new stepsons -- eh. So they're fat and play video games all day -- why does that bother you and your family? Continue on with your day as planned. If everyone was going to the beach that day -- announce that and kindly invite them along, if they don't want to step away from the TV, their loss (and frankly your nieces may have a better time going with your fam anyway). Same for meals -- have whatever everyone was planning on having, and if their mom wants to whip up mac and cheese at every meal, great for her.

I'm also not seeing why farting is such a big deal? Don't all boys and many men fart all the time? Were they doing it on purpose? How about you give them no attention for it?

I wonder what stepmom and boys are really like. If they haven't have a true family life, they may not know how to behave around you, their stepdad, and the new big family -- so they may behave in a way that they know will get them attention - negatively. If they/their mom WANT to be part of a family, there's the possibility of a real Brady Bunch type of thing where everyone comes together. If it's clear that's not what they want -- then focus on your nieces and your own fam and ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd consider two things:
Behavior on vacation isn't always indicative of regular life
These kids are adjusting to a new father figure (and may not be over the split)

Are you kidding? If my children had ever acted like this, in any setting, I would have put a stop to it before the second belch or second passing of flatulence!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd consider two things:
Behavior on vacation isn't always indicative of regular life
These kids are adjusting to a new father figure (and may not be over the split)

They've been married since February, these boys are like this all the time. We do sunday family dinners and my BILs family comes to those often.

I will give you that this *might* be because of the new situation, but honestly the video game and junk food addictions plus the rude talking back and laziness didn't happen over night.

I'd just caution you that grief takes all forms. Comfort food and games they can control seem like coping to me. Try your best to remain compassionate. Imagine the rage they must have buried within them. They lost their mother.

Hold onto the hope that, in time and with the positive influence of this family arrangement (summer and Xmas with extended family, Sunday dinners) they'll find their way.

Wait a minute. Uh? Are these your new SIL's children? Your BIL is the widower and these are her kids? Oh. Well. I guess you need to take it as it comes, hon. This would bother the living shit out of me. Do what you can and hope for the best. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hang out with your nieces as much as possible under the guise of "aunt-niece" time. I wouldn't focus so much on "girl time" unless you want the new stepmom along, which the girls may not. How close were you to the nieces when their mom was alive? Would it feel contrived for them that you suddenly want to hang out?

I am very close with our nieces. They spend a great deal of time with our family. I do feel like they need even more attention now, it feels like they are a bit neglected just because the two boys require so my effort and attention.

Anonymous wrote:As for the new stepsons -- eh. So they're fat and play video games all day -- why does that bother you and your family? Continue on with your day as planned. If everyone was going to the beach that day -- announce that and kindly invite them along, if they don't want to step away from the TV, their loss (and frankly your nieces may have a better time going with your fam anyway). Same for meals -- have whatever everyone was planning on having, and if their mom wants to whip up mac and cheese at every meal, great for her.

It is rough though, because their mom complains that they aren't included. Or if you ask them to stop playing games at the table they will have a huge meltdown, complete with screams and throwing things from the other room while you are trying to eat.

Anonymous wrote:I'm also not seeing why farting is such a big deal? Don't all boys and many men fart all the time? Were they doing it on purpose? How about you give them no attention for it?

Well, I'm not sure if its just the males I know but no, they do not audibly fart and belch all the time. Especially in church or at the dinner table.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what stepmom and boys are really like. If they haven't have a true family life, they may not know how to behave around you, their stepdad, and the new big family -- so they may behave in a way that they know will get them attention - negatively. If they/their mom WANT to be part of a family, there's the possibility of a real Brady Bunch type of thing where everyone comes together. If it's clear that's not what they want -- then focus on your nieces and your own fam and ignore them.

I like my new SIL, I feel badly that she allows her boys to run her. It also is not the boys fault that they were raised this way. It is just very hard because we are a close extended family and we do a lot of family things. BIL was excited when their family blended because he said it had just been SIL and her boys for years. Everyone was welcoming and accommodating to them in the beginning but not so much anymore. There needs to be give and take on both sides.

I agree it must be tough. All the grandkids/nieces/nephews are active and not really into video games to such an extreme. So they are all outside playing/swimming/hiking this summer and these boys were inside with just each other. So needless to say none of them get along very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd consider two things:
Behavior on vacation isn't always indicative of regular life
These kids are adjusting to a new father figure (and may not be over the split)

They've been married since February, these boys are like this all the time. We do sunday family dinners and my BILs family comes to those often.

I will give you that this *might* be because of the new situation, but honestly the video game and junk food addictions plus the rude talking back and laziness didn't happen over night.

I'd just caution you that grief takes all forms. Comfort food and games they can control seem like coping to me. Try your best to remain compassionate. Imagine the rage they must have buried within them. They lost their mother.

Hold onto the hope that, in time and with the positive influence of this family arrangement (summer and Xmas with extended family, Sunday dinners) they'll find their way.

Wait a minute. Uh? Are these your new SIL's children? Your BIL is the widower and these are her kids? Oh. Well. I guess you need to take it as it comes, hon. This would bother the living shit out of me. Do what you can and hope for the best. Sorry.

Yes its my SIL kids and it is bothering the shit out of me but I can do zip about it but MMOB it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd consider two things:
Behavior on vacation isn't always indicative of regular life
These kids are adjusting to a new father figure (and may not be over the split)

Are you kidding? If my children had ever acted like this, in any setting, I would have put a stop to it before the second belch or second passing of flatulence!

Exactly and its the type of tricky situation where the first fart at the table you ignore, the second you look at their mother and by the third you excuse yourself. They do it because they think its funny and their mom laughs at it.

Once can be funny and accidents happen but these boys have no shame. I would hope by 12 and 9 they'd have outgrown that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this your brother in law, but your family (i.e., your father). I'm not getting the dynamic.

I agree, it's early and a lot has to be sorted out - the kids are probably reeling. But soon, and perhaps gradually, some lines are going to have to be drawn. If they are coming to your house for dinner, after the next belch, excuse them from the table.

You need to strike a fine line of being welcoming, but firm. So make alliances with the new wife, and gently let her know what is and isn't acceptable. Reach out to the daughters and do one on one things. Have whomever is closest to the BIL talk regularly to him.

The reason I ask how is the BIL related when it's your father is I wonder if the BIL has strong enough ties to the family. Is he only participating because of his daughters? If so, are there ways to suggest having daughters stay at family compound, without entire family needing to be there?

He is my husband's brother. It's my sides family home but extended family are welcome.

I think making an alliance with the new wife is a fantastic idea. We haven't had enough time to really become friends yet, but I think that might help. Thank you.

O.k. So your parents are the ones who own this compound and this is your husband's brother's family? If that is the case, I sort of think that these guests are you and your husband's responsibility. You don't leave it up to your elderly parents to discipline these kids. Your husband needs to have a man to man talk with his brother and let him know that they are welcomed there as guests but the kids are expected to behave respectfully.

I think that you and your husband should also make time away from YOUR family to spend time with your husband's brother's family. Just HIS family.

[Anonymous]

Also, I think it would be really inappropriate under these circumstances to do a "girls night". That just sends the message to these boys that they are the outsiders which is probably not the message that you want to send.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this your brother in law, but your family (i.e., your father). I'm not getting the dynamic.

I agree, it's early and a lot has to be sorted out - the kids are probably reeling. But soon, and perhaps gradually, some lines are going to have to be drawn. If they are coming to your house for dinner, after the next belch, excuse them from the table.

You need to strike a fine line of being welcoming, but firm. So make alliances with the new wife, and gently let her know what is and isn't acceptable. Reach out to the daughters and do one on one things. Have whomever is closest to the BIL talk regularly to him.

The reason I ask how is the BIL related when it's your father is I wonder if the BIL has strong enough ties to the family. Is he only participating because of his daughters? If so, are there ways to suggest having daughters stay at family compound, without entire family needing to be there?

He is my husband's brother. It's my sides family home but extended family are welcome.

I think making an alliance with the new wife is a fantastic idea. We haven't had enough time to really become friends yet, but I think that might help. Thank you.

O.k. So your parents are the ones who own this compound and this is your husband's brother's family? If that is the case, I sort of think that these guests are you and your husband's responsibility. You don't leave it up to your elderly parents to discipline these kids. Your husband needs to have a man to man talk with his brother and let him know that they are welcomed there as guests but the kids are expected to behave respectfully.

I think that you and your husband should also make time away from YOUR family to spend time with your husband's brother's family. Just HIS family.

"Disciplining" these boys has fallen mostly on me after my DH's talk with his brother fell flat. I guess thats why I finally broke and needed to vent. My father did take the one boy out of church but I'm usually left trying to make sure everyone else is comfortable why they melt down or misbehave. I've tried to get them to play games outside or go swimming. They just won't. Our family is very sporty - I just don't know what else to do. Their mother just says "Thats my boys" or "Boys will be boys" and if someone gets up and walks away or mentions something she cries to her DH and then he gets upset because people aren't being welcoming. It was just a nightmare of a summer.

We do spend a good deal of time with just DH's side. This summer thing is just unique. Even DH's parents come and stay a few weeks.

As for a girls night, well I have my nieces over a good deal of time. DH and I cared for them for almost the entire two years their mother was very ill.

[Anonymous]

You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

[Anonymous]

Its hard to mind your own business when its right in your face all you can do is try to distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

True, but that's why you do it in a firm but kind way. Reward positive behavior, consistently enforce rules, and stay calm. It's pretty much the recipe for dealing with any children. It can be tougher to feel like you have the right to that role with other people's kids, but in this case it seems warranted. And in a strange way I think this can actually be easier to do with other people's kids because they don't push the same buttons your own kids do so it's easier to stay calm.

Decide on your own rules and boundaries and calmly enforce them. Yes BIL and SIL may choose to leave in that situation and that is their choice to make. Again you can't control that, you can only control your own decisions and actions.