How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I feel bad for everyone in your brother's family, not just precious nieces. They're all adjusting and I think they should be given as much space as possible to do that. Try to reserve your judgment. Dead SIL isn't coming back and your trying to step in for her is going to get nasty with their new stepmom at some point.

Our precious nieces lost their mother very young. I'm not sure if you meant your post as rudely as it came off so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I am well aware that their mother is not coming back and I am not trying to step in for her, not sure what gave you that idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

Absolutely. This is just what I was going to say. Their food habits and their hobbies are really not the issue, and you will make much more progress with the BIL if you only discuss the rude behavioral issues. Your kids like basketball and these kids like video games? Some people's favorite color is blue and some is green. But where they are actively rude, that's the kind of behavior you can discuss with the BIL. Try not to focus on "why aren't these kids like my kids." Maybe they don't even know how to swim? And really, hold your tongue on anything about their weight or food intake. Not your battle and you won't win.

I knew this would be misunderstood.

These children won't do anything but play video games sun up to sun down and will throw screaming fits including throwing things when they cannot. They will only eat boxed cereal, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese and sweets. Only, and they will throw a screaming fit including hitting their mother when they cannot. My boys tried to get them involved most of the summer as did I. I mentioned basketball as an example, my boys like lots of things and will usually resign themselves to playing video games with these two so they will be included.

I don't want these kids to be like my kids. I have never said anything about their food intake or weight to them. I however don't want to lose contact with my BIL or nieces however since these boys won't participate in anything but what they want and like it makes family get togethers miserable. I'm the one still trying here, most of the family avoids them like the plague especially because everyone bent over backwards to welcome them in. You can only be grunted at and ignored for a screen for so long before you give up.

Invite them over to play and if they don't get up and play that is on them. You and your kids will have done your part. My own kids have had athletic friends that they shoot basketball with and nonathletic friends who prefer to hang out inside doing stuff. But a selfish friend who will only do what they like to do and actually throws tantrums when asked to do something different - no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

I am going to keep trying because I understand it is not the boys fault however...

We tried we really did. As I said my boys are 12 and 9 same age as these boys and they were excited because all the other boys in our extended family are either older or much younger. Our vacation home has a full game room. They aren't interested. They just play video games all day. Seriously from the tv to ipads to little hand helds to computers. They went swimming once because their mother bribed them to try it for 20 minutes, they complained the whole time and just sort of waves their arms around in the shallow end. When we did have movie nights they would sit there with earplugs playing away at their games.

When we have them over for dinner my two little girls and my nieces run around and laugh and play. My boys will play a couple of games with their new cousins but they get bored and want to play basketball or want to build something and the other boys won't even try. I feel bad for them they need exercise and real food. As well as some structure, but as I said, they aren't my children, I can't really force them to eat what I've prepared and then go play outside.

Maybe board games? Cards? Can they have a boys poker night? I also agree that you should try sending your boys over to their turf. Have your boys find out what these guys like to do.

FWIW, I agree that it sounds like a frustrating situation. I think it's nice of you to keep trying. But whatever you do DO NOT criticize their indoor play or their eating habits.

I can suggest a boys poker night, BIL and DH will like that. Thank you for the suggestion. However I don't know if they'll break away from the screens long enough to even play. Thank you and no, I would never say a word to these boys. I have asked their mother about the food, I said I would make some homemade mac and nuggests one day and she said no they only like -the brands they like. Its crazy frustrating.

It would also give BIL and DH an opportunity to ride herd on these boys. Men have a different way of putting boys in line. It's funny to watch, lol. Hang in there, this is a lot to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries PP here. Have *some*thing easy the kids will eat (bread and butter is fine) and beyond that their mother can feed them. Insist all individuals having temper tantrums leave the room. That includes your SIL.

This family has been through a lot, so of course you should have sympathy, but that doesn't mean you have to just let everything go or be a doormat. So your SIL cries if her children are criticized, that is HER issue, not yours.

Not saying this is easy by the way. But it's really the only way to deal with emotionally manipulative people. You just can't allow them to manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

It was kind of you to look after them so much while their mother was ill but they have a new stepmom and need to form a relationship with her. I wouldn't plan to see them as much, let this new family find their way while letting the girls know you're there for them if they need anything.

And try not to let your resentment of your brother's new wife and stepsons show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of you to look after them so much while their mother was ill but they have a new stepmom and need to form a relationship with her. I wouldn't plan to see them as much, let this new family find their way while letting the girls know you're there for them if they need anything.

And try not to let your resentment of your brother's new wife and stepsons show.

If we don't invite them to family things or over for dinner they will think/know something is wrong. I know my DH would not want to alienate his brother and nieces especially like I said, their family is spread all over the country. The girls like their stepmom a whole lot. She likes to craft and she does that with them all the time. She says how happy she is to have girls and she's even take the three of them and my two girls done crafts with them and braided their hair repeatedly over the summer.


I don't resent their mother, she's actually very funny and kind hearted. I would never resent children and they are like this because their mother allowed it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are looking for effective approaches but instead just want to vent.

At first it seemed like both the new SIL and her boys were the problem. Now it seems that you and your nieces are actually fond of the SIL but not her boys.

And it seems that you will continue to include your in-laws family at your family's get togethers anyway, regardless of the new nephews' rude manners, even though your new SIL will boldly defend them.

It is obvious that you fear that you will upset your DH and his brother. So, it looks like you all will just have to cater to your new nephews' rude behavior and fast food requests since you don't actually intend to set much needed and healthy boundaries since you are the host of these invitations. I feel sorry for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think you are looking for effective approaches but instead just want to vent.

At first it seemed like both the new SIL and her boys were the problem. Now it seems that you and your nieces are actually fond of the SIL but not her boys.

And it seems that you will continue to include your in-laws family at your family's get togethers anyway, regardless of the new nephews' rude manners, even though your new SIL will boldly defend them.

It is obvious that you fear that you will upset your DH and his brother. So, it looks like you all will just have to cater to your new nephews' rude behavior and fast food requests since you don't actually intend to set much needed and healthy boundaries since you are the host of these invitations. I feel sorry for your dad.

I was venting yes. Thats why in the OP I said I know I can't do anything about this. And was asking how you deal when its none of your business.

I am fond of my SIL but the way she has raised her sons is disrupting our family. I can stop inviting them to family things, but I think that would be pretty rude and kind of mean.

I don't fear my DH or BIL or fear upsetting them. DH and I have set boundaries. If we enforce them it ends in tears and being told we aren't including the boys. I have thanked posters here for their advice and said I will give it try, not sure what else I can do. That was the point of the vent. We have done everything to welcome them, accommodate them, include them, set boundaries, explain rules. It always turns to tears and a screaming match.

Why do you feel sorry for my dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think you are looking for effective approaches but instead just want to vent.

At first it seemed like both the new SIL and her boys were the problem. Now it seems that you and your nieces are actually fond of the SIL but not her boys.

And it seems that you will continue to include your in-laws family at your family's get togethers anyway, regardless of the new nephews' rude manners, even though your new SIL will boldly defend them.

It is obvious that you fear that you will upset your DH and his brother. So, it looks like you all will just have to cater to your new nephews' rude behavior and fast food requests since you don't actually intend to set much needed and healthy boundaries since you are the host of these invitations. I feel sorry for your dad.

I was venting yes. Thats why in the OP I said I know I can't do anything about this. And was asking how you deal when its none of your business.

I am fond of my SIL but the way she has raised her sons is disrupting our family. I can stop inviting them to family things, but I think that would be pretty rude and kind of mean.

I don't fear my DH or BIL or fear upsetting them. DH and I have set boundaries. If we enforce them it ends in tears and being told we aren't including the boys. I have thanked posters here for their advice and said I will give it try, not sure what else I can do. That was the point of the vent. We have done everything to welcome them, accommodate them, include them, set boundaries, explain rules. It always turns to tears and a screaming match.

Why do you feel sorry for my dad?

Your heart is in the right place in inviting them. The dynamics of this family have changed A LOT and you are in unchartered territory now. I think it would be a great idea to have the boys poker night and let your dh and his brother work on setting these boys straight. At the very least, your dh and BIL will see with their own eyes what you have been contending with. That's important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think you are looking for effective approaches but instead just want to vent.

At first it seemed like both the new SIL and her boys were the problem. Now it seems that you and your nieces are actually fond of the SIL but not her boys.

And it seems that you will continue to include your in-laws family at your family's get togethers anyway, regardless of the new nephews' rude manners, even though your new SIL will boldly defend them.

It is obvious that you fear that you will upset your DH and his brother. So, it looks like you all will just have to cater to your new nephews' rude behavior and fast food requests since you don't actually intend to set much needed and healthy boundaries since you are the host of these invitations. I feel sorry for your dad.

I was venting yes. Thats why in the OP I said I know I can't do anything about this. And was asking how you deal when its none of your business.

I am fond of my SIL but the way she has raised her sons is disrupting our family. I can stop inviting them to family things, but I think that would be pretty rude and kind of mean.

I don't fear my DH or BIL or fear upsetting them. DH and I have set boundaries. If we enforce them it ends in tears and being told we aren't including the boys. I have thanked posters here for their advice and said I will give it try, not sure what else I can do. That was the point of the vent. We have done everything to welcome them, accommodate them, include them, set boundaries, explain rules. It always turns to tears and a screaming match.

Why do you feel sorry for my dad?

I feel sorry for your dad because of the above. Your family members are being held hostage by the theatrics of a new SIL and her boys at your dad's expense. And I mean this kindly, but I think you are wrong in thinking that it is none of your business. It is definitely your business when they are guests in your home and your dad's vacation place.

Setting boundaries without enforcement doesn't hold water. You seem afraid to enforce for fear of SIL drama and she and her boys know this and exploit it.

I would be much more concerned about pleasing my aging dad than a new, extended family member that refuses to make her children behave when visiting new extended family members.

Your SIL would have had one time to pull that crying sh*t in my home. The next time they came to visit, the boys would eat what was put in front of them or a sandwich or cereal, etc. with no fast food option, period. At the rate you are going, your dad is going to resent having to deal with them at all, especially for his 75th birthday party.

P.S. Are they of a different culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel sorry for your dad because of the above. Your family members are being held hostage by the theatrics of a new SIL and her boys at your dad's expense. And I mean this kindly, but I think you are wrong in thinking that it is none of your business. It is definitely your business when they are guests in your home and your dad's vacation place.

Setting boundaries without enforcement doesn't hold water. You seem afraid to enforce for fear of SIL drama and she and her boys know this and exploit it.

I would be much more concerned about pleasing my aging dad than a new, extended family member that refuses to make her children behave when visiting new extended family members.

Your SIL would have had one time to pull that crying sh*t in my home. The next time they came to visit, the boys would eat what was put in front of them or a sandwich or cereal, etc. with no fast food option, period. At the rate you are going, your dad is going to resent having to deal with them at all, especially for his 75th birthday party.

P.S. Are they of a different culture?

Yea I get it, its just really tricky to step on someone elses parenting you know?. Funny thing is DH and I are pretty structured and traditional parents. My children eat what is served and they are expected to participate with the family. This is just so frustrating and unfamiliar. My family is hispanic, DH's is white and so are SIL and her boys.

Please be assured if this was really bothering my dad I would do something more. My dad was a drill sgt for 20 years and after the talking to he gave them both after that first sunday and the church incident they steer clear of him. I guess we should all be more like him, if they didn't want to eat something or participate he just shrugged it off and focused on who did.

I was actually thinking of calling my SIL and talking about my dad's birthday and mentioning since it will be long with a lot of activity and catered maybe the boys wouldn't enjoy it. Like a hint of sorts. Or maybe I should just sit down and honestly talk to her. She has to know there is a problem right and this can't go on. But I've already spoken to DH about the poker night and he agrees its a good idea. He thinks BIL is being way too soft about this BTW but we all understand how hard blending a family must be.

[Anonymous]

Yes be more like your Dad - sounds like he's handling this just right. And yes talk to your SIL directly vs 'hinting.' If everyone in this situation would stop playing mind games and just communicate directly you would all be better off.

Also realize that you are contributing to this dynamic by your desire to avoid stepping on toes / make everybody happy. And in your house you get to set rules that everyone including other children are expected to follow. Sure it's better if their parents do the job, but if they don't then you can.

As for your SIL crying that her kids aren't included, she apparently needs to hear what I tell my 7 year old frequently, that it's not exclusion if the other kids don't want to play your game but are happy for you to join in with what they want to play. So next time she pulls that simply respond that her boys are of course welcome to join the other kids in x,y or z whenever they feel like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I feel sorry for your dad because of the above. Your family members are being held hostage by the theatrics of a new SIL and her boys at your dad's expense. And I mean this kindly, but I think you are wrong in thinking that it is none of your business. It is definitely your business when they are guests in your home and your dad's vacation place.

Setting boundaries without enforcement doesn't hold water. You seem afraid to enforce for fear of SIL drama and she and her boys know this and exploit it.

I would be much more concerned about pleasing my aging dad than a new, extended family member that refuses to make her children behave when visiting new extended family members.

Your SIL would have had one time to pull that crying sh*t in my home. The next time they came to visit, the boys would eat what was put in front of them or a sandwich or cereal, etc. with no fast food option, period. At the rate you are going, your dad is going to resent having to deal with them at all, especially for his 75th birthday party.

P.S. Are they of a different culture?

Yea I get it, its just really tricky to step on someone elses parenting you know?. Funny thing is DH and I are pretty structured and traditional parents. My children eat what is served and they are expected to participate with the family. This is just so frustrating and unfamiliar. My family is hispanic, DH's is white and so are SIL and her boys.

Please be assured if this was really bothering my dad I would do something more. My dad was a drill sgt for 20 years and after the talking to he gave them both after that first sunday and the church incident they steer clear of him. I guess we should all be more like him, if they didn't want to eat something or participate he just shrugged it off and focused on who did.

I was actually thinking of calling my SIL and talking about my dad's birthday and mentioning since it will be long with a lot of activity and catered maybe the boys wouldn't enjoy it. Like a hint of sorts. Or maybe I should just sit down and honestly talk to her. She has to know there is a problem right and this can't go on. But I've already spoken to DH about the poker night and he agrees its a good idea. He thinks BIL is being way too soft about this BTW but we all understand how hard blending a family must be.

OK, good to hear that your Dad has things under control.

You sound like a really caring person, OP and glad that that your DH is on the same page with you.

Maybe you and your dad can put your heads together and run interference, so to speak, since he is not afraid to set boundaries. Make a game out of it? If you two can come up with a plan where you back each other up on discipline measures, then maybe you won't have to have that awkward talk with your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement. I really do feel better. I know it was wrong to vent about children but it was a long hard summer and my frustration level had reached its limit.

I really do feel for the boys. It has to be hard and I can't help but worry about their health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement. I really do feel better. I know it was wrong to vent about children but it was a long hard summer and my frustration level had reached its limit.

I really do feel for the boys. It has to be hard and I can't help but worry about their health.

You were not wrong to vent. It seems like a tough situation - especially for someone who seems to come from such a welcoming family, with nice traditions, church together, beach compound- that's a dream family in so many ways. Having your family dynamic skewed for any reason is tough. It's worse IMHO when the people skewing it are actually not doing themselves any favors. These boys do need manners, respect, exercise, and real food. It must be tough to offer someone gold and have them kick and scream for crap. You are much more restrained than I am. I would have gone all Granny Law like in Talladega Nights.

BUT: you asked what you can do. You can tell your husband to work very hard with his brother to straighten these boys out. Don't be public about it. Let the boys handle it. It's your husband's brother's home. I'm sure he is hurting like crazy right now. So funnel your wisdom to your husband and support him in using his influence. Your own efforts will not get you anywhere and could backfire.