How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?

[Anonymous]

My two cents:
1) The issues you are describing with the boys aren't about weight, or video games, or food choices. They are about uncontrolled bad behavior in kids who are old enough to have far more self control. If they are truly hitting their mother, screaming, etc. as you describe, then that's the problem, not the other things you identified earlier.
2) It sounds like you've tried, and now the only action is left to you, and its a decision: do you 1) cut the entire family out to preserve your sanity, harming your relationship with your nieces along the way, 2) cut out the boys/mother and risk making your nieces' lives with their new brothers even harder, or 3) take a new attitude toward the boys -- placate where possible to keep peace -- in order to keep your relationship with the family.

If it were me, I'd be looking mostly at 3, but maybe 2 as well.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but a BIL can either be the man married to your sister or your husband's brother. I would guess OP's BIL is the latter.

Yes, it is my DH's brother, I've mentioned that a couple of times but just to clarify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)

It's sad that you fin family spending time together highly unusual.

I'm with pp. Summer at the family compound?

I'm not sure why this is so odd or offensive. We have a beautiful ranch near Telluride and family comes and goes all year. We are sometimes there for a long weekend alone and sometimes during a holiday there is a crowd. We are a tight knit family that enjoys each others company. Yes, we attend the same church. Yes, my mother, my SIL (my brothers wife) and I rotate Sunday family dinners. It is wonderful.

DH and his brother are the only family they have close. The rest of their family is spread over the midwest and south so my family has always included DH's BIL as much as we can. DHs mother and father are also welcome to stay at the family vacation home as often as they'd like.

Are you looking to adopt an adult? Telluride ranch sounds mighty nice and I don't fart at the table.

Haha. If we were friends you would certainly be welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two cents:
1) The issues you are describing with the boys aren't about weight, or video games, or food choices. They are about uncontrolled bad behavior in kids who are old enough to have far more self control. If they are truly hitting their mother, screaming, etc. as you describe, then that's the problem, not the other things you identified earlier.
2) It sounds like you've tried, and now the only action is left to you, and its a decision: do you 1) cut the entire family out to preserve your sanity, harming your relationship with your nieces along the way, 2) cut out the boys/mother and risk making your nieces' lives with their new brothers even harder, or 3) take a new attitude toward the boys -- placate where possible to keep peace -- in order to keep your relationship with the family.

If it were me, I'd be looking mostly at 3, but maybe 2 as well.

Good luck.

Thank you. I guess, from the comments I have gotten should not be concerned over the boys health but I cannot help it. I feel such sadness for them. They do hit their mother and throw things and scream and cry because they know she will immediately give in.

We are trying #3 right now. As I said DH and BIL are going to try a poker night and more "guy" things with them. I've resigned myself to them eating and doing what they want instead of participating with the family. I am going to try to get them to actually talk to me to see if I can get to know more about them and if there is any "in" to get them to try something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two cents:
1) The issues you are describing with the boys aren't about weight, or video games, or food choices. They are about uncontrolled bad behavior in kids who are old enough to have far more self control. If they are truly hitting their mother, screaming, etc. as you describe, then that's the problem, not the other things you identified earlier.
2) It sounds like you've tried, and now the only action is left to you, and its a decision: do you 1) cut the entire family out to preserve your sanity, harming your relationship with your nieces along the way, 2) cut out the boys/mother and risk making your nieces' lives with their new brothers even harder, or 3) take a new attitude toward the boys -- placate where possible to keep peace -- in order to keep your relationship with the family.

If it were me, I'd be looking mostly at 3, but maybe 2 as well.

Good luck.

Thank you. I guess, from the comments I have gotten should not be concerned over the boys health but I cannot help it. I feel such sadness for them. They do hit their mother and throw things and scream and cry because they know she will immediately give in.

We are trying #3 right now. As I said DH and BIL are going to try a poker night and more "guy" things with them. I've resigned myself to them eating and doing what they want instead of participating with the family. I am going to try to get them to actually talk to me to see if I can get to know more about them and if there is any "in" to get them to try something different.

pp who had a similar family situation here. the bolded makes me wonder how much you can empower her to push back against her little tyrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two cents:
1) The issues you are describing with the boys aren't about weight, or video games, or food choices. They are about uncontrolled bad behavior in kids who are old enough to have far more self control. If they are truly hitting their mother, screaming, etc. as you describe, then that's the problem, not the other things you identified earlier.
2) It sounds like you've tried, and now the only action is left to you, and its a decision: do you 1) cut the entire family out to preserve your sanity, harming your relationship with your nieces along the way, 2) cut out the boys/mother and risk making your nieces' lives with their new brothers even harder, or 3) take a new attitude toward the boys -- placate where possible to keep peace -- in order to keep your relationship with the family.

If it were me, I'd be looking mostly at 3, but maybe 2 as well.

Good luck.

Thank you. I guess, from the comments I have gotten should not be concerned over the boys health but I cannot help it. I feel such sadness for them. They do hit their mother and throw things and scream and cry because they know she will immediately give in.

We are trying #3 right now. As I said DH and BIL are going to try a poker night and more "guy" things with them. I've resigned myself to them eating and doing what they want instead of participating with the family. I am going to try to get them to actually talk to me to see if I can get to know more about them and if there is any "in" to get them to try something different.

pp who had a similar family situation here. the bolded makes me wonder how much you can empower her to push back against her little tyrants.

I so badly want to talk to her about the situation but I worry that its not my place. They bully her, she placates them, they get left out because they are unyielding, she cries and gets upset at the person leaving them out... its like an endless circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

You commented on their appearance first and foremost. That is none of your business any more than if the children were skinny and underweight because of their poor diet and high activity level. Their rude behavior does affect you and others around them and is a legitimate criticism. My thin nephews would rather play video games all day and night, too. It is up to their parents to put limits on that activity and encourage others. You are getting way too involved in another family's affairs. Concentrate on your nieces and your own family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

You commented on their appearance first and foremost. That is none of your business any more than if the children were skinny and underweight because of their poor diet and high activity level. Their rude behavior does affect you and others around them and is a legitimate criticism. My thin nephews would rather play video games all day and night, too. It is up to their parents to put limits on that activity and encourage others. You are getting way too involved in another family's affairs. Concentrate on your nieces and your own family unit.

Well, it is hard not to notice their appearance first and foremost and I had to mention it because their weight and health have a great deal to do with it. I think from my posts here and my reluctance to do anything about the situation except for advice on how to ignore it when its in your face shows that I am not too involved in another family's affairs. Besides, they are family now. As for my nieces well, they are pretty miserable because dinners are usually what the boys will eat and activities are what the boys will do. Not to mention how miserable these boys made my own family's vacation.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, the whole family would no longer be invited to my family of origin's vacation place. The nieces alone would be invited. My parents would not put up with that kind of poor behavior directed at them or anyone else in their house. I would not hesitate to be direct about the reasons why.

"Mary, Bill, last year did not work very well at my parents vacation home. The boys clearly did not have a very good time and don't really enjoy the kind of vacation that my parents can provide. We would love to have our nieces so they can have some time with their mother's family and you, SIL, and the boys can have some bonding time of your own. "

I realize that this won't be a popular response, but I just wouldn't be looking at the new wife and her sons as my family. The nieces would be who I viewed as my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

You commented on their appearance first and foremost. That is none of your business any more than if the children were skinny and underweight because of their poor diet and high activity level. Their rude behavior does affect you and others around them and is a legitimate criticism. My thin nephews would rather play video games all day and night, too. It is up to their parents to put limits on that activity and encourage others. You are getting way too involved in another family's affairs. Concentrate on your nieces and your own family unit.

So if OP had said "Glued to video games, throw tantrums at the drop of the hat to get their way and BTW they are obese" it would have been more palatable to you? If someone is obese what else are you supposed to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

Their mother is taking them to the doctor and the doctor has said that they should be on a special diet. Isn't it up to the mom and your BIL to follow through on that diet? Is it possible that they are waiting until after vacation to get going on the diet/exercise program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two cents:
1) The issues you are describing with the boys aren't about weight, or video games, or food choices. They are about uncontrolled bad behavior in kids who are old enough to have far more self control. If they are truly hitting their mother, screaming, etc. as you describe, then that's the problem, not the other things you identified earlier.
2) It sounds like you've tried, and now the only action is left to you, and its a decision: do you 1) cut the entire family out to preserve your sanity, harming your relationship with your nieces along the way, 2) cut out the boys/mother and risk making your nieces' lives with their new brothers even harder, or 3) take a new attitude toward the boys -- placate where possible to keep peace -- in order to keep your relationship with the family.

If it were me, I'd be looking mostly at 3, but maybe 2 as well.

Good luck.

Thank you. I guess, from the comments I have gotten should not be concerned over the boys health but I cannot help it. I feel such sadness for them. They do hit their mother and throw things and scream and cry because they know she will immediately give in.

We are trying #3 right now. As I said DH and BIL are going to try a poker night and more "guy" things with them. I've resigned myself to them eating and doing what they want instead of participating with the family. I am going to try to get them to actually talk to me to see if I can get to know more about them and if there is any "in" to get them to try something different.

pp who had a similar family situation here. the bolded makes me wonder how much you can empower her to push back against her little tyrants.

I so badly want to talk to her about the situation but I worry that its not my place. They bully her, she placates them, they get left out because they are unyielding, she cries and gets upset at the person leaving them out... its like an endless circle.

She's family now, and her lax parenting is harming these kids who are also family--you need not even get into their health, but how they fit in with the extended family. Maybe ask BIL if there is a way to approach her helpfully that she'd welcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

I am not the pp but I agree. You described them as monsters, and the next word was obese. That's why it sounded like it wasn't just their behavior that offended you, you were physically grossed out by them.

I am sensitive to this because I have a family extremely focused on weight who have all but disowned one set of relatives because they find it so sad and disappointing that they let their kids get so fat. Other people's appearance isn't your business even if they are children. She is aware and the doctor is aware. Hearing it from a skinny SIL isn't going to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

Their mother is taking them to the doctor and the doctor has said that they should be on a special diet. Isn't it up to the mom and your BIL to follow through on that diet? Is it possible that they are waiting until after vacation to get going on the diet/exercise program?

No. She said she tries but then they won't eat. She doesn't like to see them cry so she gives them what they want. This has been going on before and after vacation.