How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

I am going to keep trying because I understand it is not the boys fault however...

We tried we really did. As I said my boys are 12 and 9 same age as these boys and they were excited because all the other boys in our extended family are either older or much younger. Our vacation home has a full game room. They aren't interested. They just play video games all day. Seriously from the tv to ipads to little hand helds to computers. They went swimming once because their mother bribed them to try it for 20 minutes, they complained the whole time and just sort of waves their arms around in the shallow end. When we did have movie nights they would sit there with earplugs playing away at their games.

When we have them over for dinner my two little girls and my nieces run around and laugh and play. My boys will play a couple of games with their new cousins but they get bored and want to play basketball or want to build something and the other boys won't even try. I feel bad for them they need exercise and real food. As well as some structure, but as I said, they aren't my children, I can't really force them to eat what I've prepared and then go play outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

+1. OP, your family sounds awfully in each other's business - everyone spends the summer together (all summer? really?) and Sunday dinners too? And these new boys have been introduced to the mix, and they don't like the same stuff as your kids do. And, how outrageous, they're fat and unathletic?

Give it a rest, and maybe let your kids meet the new boys on their own turf. You don't sound like you have anything on them in terms of bad behavior toward their new step-siblings; just that they are lazy and rude etc etc. I don't know how old these kids are or what ages you are used to, but tween and teen boys can pack a lot of attitude. That doesn't make them sociopaths. I'd give them space, drop the judgment on their weight and sportiness, and try to understand what this situation must feel like for them.

[Anonymous]

You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

True, but that's why you do it in a firm but kind way. Reward positive behavior, consistently enforce rules, and stay calm. It's pretty much the recipe for dealing with any children. It can be tougher to feel like you have the right to that role with other people's kids, but in this case it seems warranted. And in a strange way I think this can actually be easier to do with other people's kids because they don't push the same buttons your own kids do so it's easier to stay calm.

Decide on your own rules and boundaries and calmly enforce them. Yes BIL and SIL may choose to leave in that situation and that is their choice to make. Again you can't control that, you can only control your own decisions and actions.

I don't disagree with you at all. Expectations, boundaries are important and absolutely should be uniformly enforced. But these kids are probably feeling very out of place - not because Op or anyone else has done anything wrong, but simply because they are new to this group and their interests are a little different than everyone else's. If another kid in the family could show them the ropes and do an activity these boys would enjoy that might be all it takes to break the ice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

+1. OP, your family sounds awfully in each other's business - everyone spends the summer together (all summer? really?) and Sunday dinners too? And these new boys have been introduced to the mix, and they don't like the same stuff as your kids do. And, how outrageous, they're fat and unathletic?

Give it a rest, and maybe let your kids meet the new boys on their own turf. You don't sound like you have anything on them in terms of bad behavior toward their new step-siblings; just that they are lazy and rude etc etc. I don't know how old these kids are or what ages you are used to, but tween and teen boys can pack a lot of attitude. That doesn't make them sociopaths. I'd give them space, drop the judgment on their weight and sportiness, and try to understand what this situation must feel like for them.

No not all summer, people come and go. Yes, we have sunday dinner after church and again BILs family isn't there every week. We have them over a lot for dinner though because they (BIL and nieces) went through hell while their mother was ill and after her death that and our families are close.

I don't care that they are unathletic. I do care that their fat but just because its setting them up for an unhealthy life. What I care about is the times we are together they have to have nuggets and mac and cheese. If they don't they scream and cry and throw things. They also have to be playing games constantly, no matter what everyone else is doing yet their mother gets upset because they aren't being included.

They are 12 and 9, their step sisters are 6, 8 and 10. As I said earlier the 10 year old says they bully her and her sisters.

Really they shouldn't be allowed to ruin dinner or vacation, but I have not once judged them directly for being obese and unbending. I just had to vent here and get some advice on how to ignore it, because unfortunately this is what I have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

That isn't an insult. They are very obese.

Also I cannot enforce basic rules of courtesy.

I have asked them not to belch and fart at the dinner table. They do anyway. Then their mother laughs and says "Boys you know Auntie Jane doesn't like that". If we say any more she will go in the other room and cry so no one will say anything anymore. Also at 12 and 9 they should be able to eat the meal everyone is eating and not have special food made for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

Absolutely. This is just what I was going to say. Their food habits and their hobbies are really not the issue, and you will make much more progress with the BIL if you only discuss the rude behavioral issues. Your kids like basketball and these kids like video games? Some people's favorite color is blue and some is green. But where they are actively rude, that's the kind of behavior you can discuss with the BIL. Try not to focus on "why aren't these kids like my kids." Maybe they don't even know how to swim? And really, hold your tongue on anything about their weight or food intake. Not your battle and you won't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

That isn't an insult. They are very obese.

Also I cannot enforce basic rules of courtesy.

I have asked them not to belch and fart at the dinner table. They do anyway. Then their mother laughs and says "Boys you know Auntie Jane doesn't like that". If we say any more she will go in the other room and cry so no one will say anything anymore. Also at 12 and 9 they should be able to eat the meal everyone is eating and not have special food made for them.

OK, like right here. YES you are right that they cannot be allowed to belch and fart at the dining table because it is very offensive to others. NO you cannot declare what they should eat because it does not affect you and it is between them and their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

Absolutely. This is just what I was going to say. Their food habits and their hobbies are really not the issue, and you will make much more progress with the BIL if you only discuss the rude behavioral issues. Your kids like basketball and these kids like video games? Some people's favorite color is blue and some is green. But where they are actively rude, that's the kind of behavior you can discuss with the BIL. Try not to focus on "why aren't these kids like my kids." Maybe they don't even know how to swim? And really, hold your tongue on anything about their weight or food intake. Not your battle and you won't win.

I knew this would be misunderstood.

These children won't do anything but play video games sun up to sun down and will throw screaming fits including throwing things when they cannot. They will only eat boxed cereal, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese and sweets. Only, and they will throw a screaming fit including hitting their mother when they cannot. My boys tried to get them involved most of the summer as did I. I mentioned basketball as an example, my boys like lots of things and will usually resign themselves to playing video games with these two so they will be included.

I don't want these kids to be like my kids. I have never said anything about their food intake or weight to them. I however don't want to lose contact with my BIL or nieces however since these boys won't participate in anything but what they want and like it makes family get togethers miserable. I'm the one still trying here, most of the family avoids them like the plague especially because everyone bent over backwards to welcome them in. You can only be grunted at and ignored for a screen for so long before you give up.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is time to give up the fantasy of substituting your BIL's deceased wife right now. It is obvious that your new SIL and her kids don't "fit in" nor do they seem interested in trying to. Actually, they seem to take pleasure in defying your family's traditions. It doesn't sound like a good fit at this time even if they are new, extended family (hopefully with time and maturity things will improve).

It is very generous of you to include your BIL's family at your family's vacation place since you get to see your dear nieces. However, your wanting to include the new, blended family is causing havoc with not only you but your parents and that is not fair to them or anybody.

You need to concentrate on your relationship with your nieces and do girly things so that they can get the attention that they need. If the relationship with the new SIL doesn't gel right now because she throws temper tantrums when her boys aren't included, too bad. You can concentrate on doing some mom stuff with her later.

It seems that the problem is that your BIL has chosen someone who is not yet compatible with not only his daughters but extended family and you all should not let his choices disrupt your family get togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

That isn't an insult. They are very obese.

Also I cannot enforce basic rules of courtesy.

I have asked them not to belch and fart at the dinner table. They do anyway. Then their mother laughs and says "Boys you know Auntie Jane doesn't like that". If we say any more she will go in the other room and cry so no one will say anything anymore. Also at 12 and 9 they should be able to eat the meal everyone is eating and not have special food made for them.

OK, like right here. YES you are right that they cannot be allowed to belch and fart at the dining table because it is very offensive to others. NO you cannot declare what they should eat because it does not affect you and it is between them and their parents.

So what do we do? Kick them out of our house? Have them stare at an empty plate and cry because they don't like the food that has been served? I'm seriously asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe it is time to give up the fantasy of substituting your BIL's deceased wife right now. It is obvious that your new SIL and her kids don't "fit in" nor do they seem interested in trying to. Actually, they seem to take pleasure in defying your family's traditions. It doesn't sound like a good fit at this time even if they are new, extended family (hopefully with time and maturity things will improve).

It is very generous of you to include your BIL's family at your family's vacation place since you get to see your dear nieces. However, your wanting to include the new, blended family is causing havoc with not only you but your parents and that is not fair to them or anybody.

You need to concentrate on your relationship with your nieces and do girly things so that they can get the attention that they need. If the relationship with the new SIL doesn't gel right now because she throws temper tantrums when her boys aren't included, too bad. You can concentrate on doing some mom stuff with her later.

It seems that the problem is that your BIL has chosen someone who is not yet compatible with not only his daughters but extended family and you all should not let his choices disrupt your family get togethers.

Thank you. I really needed to just vent. Its been a bad bad summer. I usually plan the family get togethers and I was sitting here planning my dads 75th birthday today and I honestly don't want to invite them but normally they would come to this. My dad would be disappointed to not see the girls and my BIL. They are very close to my side of the family since my family lives here and most of their family besides DH and his brother are spread out. I seriously got teary eyed trying to figure out how to navigate this for my dads birthday and honestly Ive got other things to do for it besides worry about these boys. Then we've got the holidays after that...ugh. Every winter after christmas we all go to the vacation home. BILs family included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

I am going to keep trying because I understand it is not the boys fault however...

We tried we really did. As I said my boys are 12 and 9 same age as these boys and they were excited because all the other boys in our extended family are either older or much younger. Our vacation home has a full game room. They aren't interested. They just play video games all day. Seriously from the tv to ipads to little hand helds to computers. They went swimming once because their mother bribed them to try it for 20 minutes, they complained the whole time and just sort of waves their arms around in the shallow end. When we did have movie nights they would sit there with earplugs playing away at their games.

When we have them over for dinner my two little girls and my nieces run around and laugh and play. My boys will play a couple of games with their new cousins but they get bored and want to play basketball or want to build something and the other boys won't even try. I feel bad for them they need exercise and real food. As well as some structure, but as I said, they aren't my children, I can't really force them to eat what I've prepared and then go play outside.

Maybe board games? Cards? Can they have a boys poker night? I also agree that you should try sending your boys over to their turf. Have your boys find out what these guys like to do.

FWIW, I agree that it sounds like a frustrating situation. I think it's nice of you to keep trying. But whatever you do DO NOT criticize their indoor play or their eating habits.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I feel bad for everyone in your brother's family, not just precious nieces. They're all adjusting and I think they should be given as much space as possible to do that. Try to reserve your judgment. Dead SIL isn't coming back and your trying to step in for her is going to get nasty with their new stepmom at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

I am going to keep trying because I understand it is not the boys fault however...

We tried we really did. As I said my boys are 12 and 9 same age as these boys and they were excited because all the other boys in our extended family are either older or much younger. Our vacation home has a full game room. They aren't interested. They just play video games all day. Seriously from the tv to ipads to little hand helds to computers. They went swimming once because their mother bribed them to try it for 20 minutes, they complained the whole time and just sort of waves their arms around in the shallow end. When we did have movie nights they would sit there with earplugs playing away at their games.

When we have them over for dinner my two little girls and my nieces run around and laugh and play. My boys will play a couple of games with their new cousins but they get bored and want to play basketball or want to build something and the other boys won't even try. I feel bad for them they need exercise and real food. As well as some structure, but as I said, they aren't my children, I can't really force them to eat what I've prepared and then go play outside.

Maybe board games? Cards? Can they have a boys poker night? I also agree that you should try sending your boys over to their turf. Have your boys find out what these guys like to do.

FWIW, I agree that it sounds like a frustrating situation. I think it's nice of you to keep trying. But whatever you do DO NOT criticize their indoor play or their eating habits.

I can suggest a boys poker night, BIL and DH will like that. Thank you for the suggestion. However I don't know if they'll break away from the screens long enough to even play. Thank you and no, I would never say a word to these boys. I have asked their mother about the food, I said I would make some homemade mac and nuggests one day and she said no they only like -the brands they like. Its crazy frustrating.