How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

I am not the pp but I agree. You described them as monsters, and the next word was obese. That's why it sounded like it wasn't just their behavior that offended you, you were physically grossed out by them.

I am sensitive to this because I have a family extremely focused on weight who have all but disowned one set of relatives because they find it so sad and disappointing that they let their kids get so fat. Other people's appearance isn't your business even if they are children. She is aware and the doctor is aware. Hearing it from a skinny SIL isn't going to help.

Well first it was a vent and if you read the thread you will see I go more in depth and even said I know it was wrong to vent about children but you have to understand what this summer was like. It was positively miserable for everyone involved and now I have to plan the next family gathering...

Trust me, no one in my family is extremely focused on weight. We are foodies who love to eat and we certainly indulge that love when we all get together. I have no once said a word to my SIL about their weight or need to eat only about 6 different junk foods. I did offer to make homemade nuggets and macaroni one night and she said not to bother, they likely wouldn't eat it then she told me about the doctor saying they were in danger because of their weight. "Hearing it from a skinny SIL isn't going to help." That flat out just hasn't happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

Their mother is taking them to the doctor and the doctor has said that they should be on a special diet. Isn't it up to the mom and your BIL to follow through on that diet? Is it possible that they are waiting until after vacation to get going on the diet/exercise program?

No. She said she tries but then they won't eat. She doesn't like to see them cry so she gives them what they want. This has been going on before and after vacation.

What can you realistically do about it? She is their mother, she is the one taking them to the doctor and she is the one who keeps trying (and failing) to get these kids to eat this special diet. The one this lady should be talking to is the doctor. If plan A doesn't work, what is plan B...she can figure that out with the doctor.

FWIW this woman sounds overwhelmed. You can lend a sympathetic ear but you really aren't in the position to step in and DO anything. Just keep treating these boys like "normal" guests. Try to figure out how to engage them if only for a little while. Baby steps.

[Anonymous]

I read OP's reference to obesity as one of concern for them, not as judgment.

In context, this is someone who has welcomed her husband's brother's family to her parents' vacation home and wrote a post trying to figure out how to make it work, not to kick them to the curb. Very few people would put up with this degree of disruption for a brother-in-law's step kids. She's obviously a devoted person.

Their obesity is relevant to the overall picture: unhealthy living that results from relationship patterns where the are calling the shots, flailing, and harming themselves because no grownup is exercising good judgment and saying no.

One can be shocked and alarmed at childhood obesity without being shallow or judgmental. Childhood obesity is the number one predictor of adult obesity. It shortens a person's life by about 10 years. Quality of life for lifelong chronically obese people is compromised by joint problems, blood sugar issues, and heart disease. All of that is in addition to the pain and judgement that the heavy kids endure with their peers.

People on this board argue so much about parenting practices that have far lower stakes and where the science is mixed or non-existent (work or stay home, childbirth practices, length of breast feeding) but these kids' problem dwarfs all of those. It is a big deal and OP recognizes that.

OP, I hope that if you have a good relationship with your brother in law you can support him in helping his wife deal with this health problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

Their mother is taking them to the doctor and the doctor has said that they should be on a special diet. Isn't it up to the mom and your BIL to follow through on that diet? Is it possible that they are waiting until after vacation to get going on the diet/exercise program?

No. She said she tries but then they won't eat. She doesn't like to see them cry so she gives them what they want. This has been going on before and after vacation.

What can you realistically do about it? She is their mother, she is the one taking them to the doctor and she is the one who keeps trying (and failing) to get these kids to eat this special diet. The one this lady should be talking to is the doctor. If plan A doesn't work, what is plan B...she can figure that out with the doctor.

FWIW this woman sounds overwhelmed. You can lend a sympathetic ear but you really aren't in the position to step in and DO anything. Just keep treating these boys like "normal" guests. Try to figure out how to engage them if only for a little while. Baby steps.

....um I'm not really sure how to answer "What can you realistically do about it?" because I don't want to do anything about it nor have I asked for advice on what to do about it. In fact my entire OP was "I know I can't do anything about this so how do I just deal with it because its affecting my family and life".

What I do want is for them, when at my home or a family gathering to not fat and belch. I'd like them to eat the food everyone is eating without throwing a tantrum (at 12 and 9) for nuggest and mac and cheese. I'd also like for them to participate like everyone else and not bury their heads in games and then laugh and scream and yell about them disrupting everyone elses time together. I don't understand why this is so much to ask of a 9 and 12 year old. However like I've said over and over I can't step on someone elses parenting. She lets them bully her, she gets angry and tearful when they get left out. Its aggravating as hell, but we are all just held hostage to it and have to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two cents:
1) The issues you are describing with the boys aren't about weight, or video games, or food choices. They are about uncontrolled bad behavior in kids who are old enough to have far more self control. If they are truly hitting their mother, screaming, etc. as you describe, then that's the problem, not the other things you identified earlier.
2) It sounds like you've tried, and now the only action is left to you, and its a decision: do you 1) cut the entire family out to preserve your sanity, harming your relationship with your nieces along the way, 2) cut out the boys/mother and risk making your nieces' lives with their new brothers even harder, or 3) take a new attitude toward the boys -- placate where possible to keep peace -- in order to keep your relationship with the family.

If it were me, I'd be looking mostly at 3, but maybe 2 as well.

Good luck.

Thank you. I guess, from the comments I have gotten should not be concerned over the boys health but I cannot help it. I feel such sadness for them. They do hit their mother and throw things and scream and cry because they know she will immediately give in.

We are trying #3 right now. As I said DH and BIL are going to try a poker night and more "guy" things with them. I've resigned myself to them eating and doing what they want instead of participating with the family. I am going to try to get them to actually talk to me to see if I can get to know more about them and if there is any "in" to get them to try something different.

pp who had a similar family situation here. the bolded makes me wonder how much you can empower her to push back against her little tyrants.

I so badly want to talk to her about the situation but I worry that its not my place. They bully her, she placates them, they get left out because they are unyielding, she cries and gets upset at the person leaving them out... its like an endless circle.

You have a BIL problem. Focus more on him instead of just the new wife. Empower your BIL to be be more of an authority figure in his new blended family or you may soon be dealing with problem nieces too due to rebellion. Your husband needs to be more persuasive on this since it is his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read OP's reference to obesity as one of concern for them, not as judgment.

In context, this is someone who has welcomed her husband's brother's family to her parents' vacation home and wrote a post trying to figure out how to make it work, not to kick them to the curb. Very few people would put up with this degree of disruption for a brother-in-law's step kids. She's obviously a devoted person.

Their obesity is relevant to the overall picture: unhealthy living that results from relationship patterns where the are calling the shots, flailing, and harming themselves because no grownup is exercising good judgment and saying no.

One can be shocked and alarmed at childhood obesity without being shallow or judgmental. Childhood obesity is the number one predictor of adult obesity. It shortens a person's life by about 10 years. Quality of life for lifelong chronically obese people is compromised by joint problems, blood sugar issues, and heart disease. All of that is in addition to the pain and judgement that the heavy kids endure with their peers.

People on this board argue so much about parenting practices that have far lower stakes and where the science is mixed or non-existent (work or stay home, childbirth practices, length of breast feeding) but these kids' problem dwarfs all of those. It is a big deal and OP recognizes that.

OP, I hope that if you have a good relationship with your brother in law you can support him in helping his wife deal with this health problem.

Thank you so much for this post. I really appreciate it. If I'm honest I will say I was really shocked by their weight, it is heartbreaking to see these boys. They don't participate because they can't. I have no doubt they get teased, I am sure their self esteem takes a real hit because of their weight. I am sure they want the same foods over and over because they are addicted and also because its comforting to them. Vicious cycle.

As for my BIL, I know for a fact he wants to help the boys too. He also wants to get out there and get active with them and do "guy" stuff with them. I can only guess, because I haven't asked but I think he has found love again after losing his wife is such a gut wrenching way and he hates to see her hurting and upset so he placates her and she in turn placates the boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read OP's reference to obesity as one of concern for them, not as judgment.

In context, this is someone who has welcomed her husband's brother's family to her parents' vacation home and wrote a post trying to figure out how to make it work, not to kick them to the curb. Very few people would put up with this degree of disruption for a brother-in-law's step kids. She's obviously a devoted person.

Their obesity is relevant to the overall picture: unhealthy living that results from relationship patterns where the are calling the shots, flailing, and harming themselves because no grownup is exercising good judgment and saying no.

One can be shocked and alarmed at childhood obesity without being shallow or judgmental. Childhood obesity is the number one predictor of adult obesity. It shortens a person's life by about 10 years. Quality of life for lifelong chronically obese people is compromised by joint problems, blood sugar issues, and heart disease. All of that is in addition to the pain and judgement that the heavy kids endure with their peers.

People on this board argue so much about parenting practices that have far lower stakes and where the science is mixed or non-existent (work or stay home, childbirth practices, length of breast feeding) but these kids' problem dwarfs all of those. It is a big deal and OP recognizes that.

OP, I hope that if you have a good relationship with your brother in law you can support him in helping his wife deal with this health problem.

Thank you so much for this post. I really appreciate it. If I'm honest I will say I was really shocked by their weight, it is heartbreaking to see these boys. They don't participate because they can't. I have no doubt they get teased, I am sure their self esteem takes a real hit because of their weight. I am sure they want the same foods over and over because they are addicted and also because its comforting to them. Vicious cycle.

As for my BIL, I know for a fact he wants to help the boys too. He also wants to get out there and get active with them and do "guy" stuff with them. I can only guess, because I haven't asked but I think he has found love again after losing his wife is such a gut wrenching way and he hates to see her hurting and upset so he placates her and she in turn placates the boys.

Then good for your brother. Why are you taking this on as much as you are. You're not their mother, or your brother's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at obese, OP.

Why? I genuinely want to know.

These children are obese. To the point where the older one doesn't fit in a normal dining room chair. Their mother has said that the pediatrician is extremely concerned with their weight and wants them on special diets and to get exercise beyond extra testing. I think part of not wanting to participate in activities with the other children is because they physically cannot.

Is it just the word? Should I have said extremely overweight? Called them fatties? Chunky? I thought obese was a good way to describe the situation.

Their mother is taking them to the doctor and the doctor has said that they should be on a special diet. Isn't it up to the mom and your BIL to follow through on that diet? Is it possible that they are waiting until after vacation to get going on the diet/exercise program?

No. She said she tries but then they won't eat. She doesn't like to see them cry so she gives them what they want. This has been going on before and after vacation.

What can you realistically do about it? She is their mother, she is the one taking them to the doctor and she is the one who keeps trying (and failing) to get these kids to eat this special diet. The one this lady should be talking to is the doctor. If plan A doesn't work, what is plan B...she can figure that out with the doctor.

FWIW this woman sounds overwhelmed. You can lend a sympathetic ear but you really aren't in the position to step in and DO anything. Just keep treating these boys like "normal" guests. Try to figure out how to engage them if only for a little while. Baby steps.

....um I'm not really sure how to answer "What can you realistically do about it?" because I don't want to do anything about it nor have I asked for advice on what to do about it. In fact my entire OP was "I know I can't do anything about this so how do I just deal with it because its affecting my family and life".

What I do want is for them, when at my home or a family gathering to not fat and belch. I'd like them to eat the food everyone is eating without throwing a tantrum (at 12 and 9) for nuggest and mac and cheese. I'd also like for them to participate like everyone else and not bury their heads in games and then laugh and scream and yell about them disrupting everyone elses time together. I don't understand why this is so much to ask of a 9 and 12 year old. However like I've said over and over I can't step on someone elses parenting. She lets them bully her, she gets angry and tearful when they get left out. Its aggravating as hell, but we are all just held hostage to it and have to deal.

It is absolutely fine to expect some basic, common courtesy from these boys. You are right to not want them farting and belching at the table and throwing tantrums when they don't get their way. Don't cook them special food. If they don't eat what is served let their mom deal with it. Invite them to participate in a fairly sedate activity and let them decide if they want to. All you can do is do your part. You can not make these boys enjoy themselves. If they choose to stay in their rooms and their mother allows it...there just isn't much that you can realistically do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read OP's reference to obesity as one of concern for them, not as judgment.

In context, this is someone who has welcomed her husband's brother's family to her parents' vacation home and wrote a post trying to figure out how to make it work, not to kick them to the curb. Very few people would put up with this degree of disruption for a brother-in-law's step kids. She's obviously a devoted person.

Their obesity is relevant to the overall picture: unhealthy living that results from relationship patterns where the are calling the shots, flailing, and harming themselves because no grownup is exercising good judgment and saying no.

One can be shocked and alarmed at childhood obesity without being shallow or judgmental. Childhood obesity is the number one predictor of adult obesity. It shortens a person's life by about 10 years. Quality of life for lifelong chronically obese people is compromised by joint problems, blood sugar issues, and heart disease. All of that is in addition to the pain and judgement that the heavy kids endure with their peers.

People on this board argue so much about parenting practices that have far lower stakes and where the science is mixed or non-existent (work or stay home, childbirth practices, length of breast feeding) but these kids' problem dwarfs all of those. It is a big deal and OP recognizes that.

OP, I hope that if you have a good relationship with your brother in law you can support him in helping his wife deal with this health problem.

Thank you so much for this post. I really appreciate it. If I'm honest I will say I was really shocked by their weight, it is heartbreaking to see these boys. They don't participate because they can't. I have no doubt they get teased, I am sure their self esteem takes a real hit because of their weight. I am sure they want the same foods over and over because they are addicted and also because its comforting to them. Vicious cycle.

As for my BIL, I know for a fact he wants to help the boys too. He also wants to get out there and get active with them and do "guy" stuff with them. I can only guess, because I haven't asked but I think he has found love again after losing his wife is such a gut wrenching way and he hates to see her hurting and upset so he placates her and she in turn placates the boys.

Then good for your brother. Why are you taking this on as much as you are. You're not their mother, or your brother's wife.

Some of these comments are really confusing to me. First of all it is my DH's brother. Second I have not once said I was or wanted to be their mother or (strange) my brother's wife. Third why is it good that he placates his wife when she is being bullied and in turn she is allowing her children to live an unhealthy at best, dangerous at worst lifestyle.

Why am I taking this on as much as I am? Like I have already said, because I plan and/or organize most of the family get togethers. I am planning my father's 75th birthday party right now. This is after spending a hellish summer dealing with this. Also hearing from family members that they never want to be around these boys again. And I care deeply about my nieces who are being bullied by these boys as well.

[Anonymous]

How exactly are the nieces being bullied? This the part of this thread that concerned me the most.

[Anonymous]

OP do yourself a favor and don't invite your brother-in-law and his family to your father's 75th. Nobody needs that drama. Ask your husband to buy into this decision and deal with any blow back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How exactly are the nieces being bullied? This the part of this thread that concerned me the most.

My 10 year old niece (the oldest) told me that they threaten to punch the girls if they don't do their chores for them. That they never get to play wii anymore. She said the boys push them then deny they did it. She also said they get ignored because the boys are always "fighting". I told my BIL this immediately and he sighed and got uncomfortable and said they were just adjusting.

I also know that dinner during the week consists of mac and cheese, french fries or tots and then a main dish which is always nuggets for the boys and sometimes for the girls. Its likely easier that way so there are no meltdowns. People will freak out on me but I don't think that is healthy for the girls at all, since I can't be concerned with what the boys eat apparently. The girls used to do lots of activities on the weekends as well but now they stay home because the boys want to play video games. This is a huge reason why I am not about to just throw my hands up about this. If I exclude the boys, SIL will be upset and none of them will come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do yourself a favor and don't invite your brother-in-law and his family to your father's 75th. Nobody needs that drama. Ask your husband to buy into this decision and deal with any blow back.

I'm afraid this is what I'm going to have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How exactly are the nieces being bullied? This the part of this thread that concerned me the most.

My 10 year old niece (the oldest) told me that they threaten to punch the girls if they don't do their chores for them. That they never get to play wii anymore. She said the boys push them then deny they did it. She also said they get ignored because the boys are always "fighting". I told my BIL this immediately and he sighed and got uncomfortable and said they were just adjusting.

I also know that dinner during the week consists of mac and cheese, french fries or tots and then a main dish which is always nuggets for the boys and sometimes for the girls. Its likely easier that way so there are no meltdowns. People will freak out on me but I don't think that is healthy for the girls at all, since I can't be concerned with what the boys eat apparently. The girls used to do lots of activities on the weekends as well but now they stay home because the boys want to play video games. This is a huge reason why I am not about to just throw my hands up about this. If I exclude the boys, SIL will be upset and none of them will come.

Where is your BIL in all of this? Your nieces are going to need therapy if their dad doesn't start putting his foot down. He has married into an extremely troubling family dynamic with his new wife and stepsons.

And your BIL can't keep making excuses that the new family needs adjustment time. It is time for your BIL to step up.

He is lax about his daughters' safety too--those boys are not just irritatingly rude and arrogant, they are downright abusive to both your nieces and their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How exactly are the nieces being bullied? This the part of this thread that concerned me the most.

My 10 year old niece (the oldest) told me that they threaten to punch the girls if they don't do their chores for them. That they never get to play wii anymore. She said the boys push them then deny they did it. She also said they get ignored because the boys are always "fighting". I told my BIL this immediately and he sighed and got uncomfortable and said they were just adjusting.

I also know that dinner during the week consists of mac and cheese, french fries or tots and then a main dish which is always nuggets for the boys and sometimes for the girls. Its likely easier that way so there are no meltdowns. People will freak out on me but I don't think that is healthy for the girls at all, since I can't be concerned with what the boys eat apparently. The girls used to do lots of activities on the weekends as well but now they stay home because the boys want to play video games. This is a huge reason why I am not about to just throw my hands up about this. If I exclude the boys, SIL will be upset and none of them will come.

Where is your BIL in all of this? Your nieces are going to need therapy if their dad doesn't start putting his foot down. He has married into an extremely troubling family dynamic with his new wife and stepsons.

And your BIL can't keep making excuses that the new family needs adjustment time. It is time for your BIL to step up.

He is lax about his daughters' safety too--those boys are not just irritatingly rude and arrogant, they are downright abusive to both your nieces and their mom.

I wish I had something nicer to say about these boys. I am sure they do have good qualities, rarely is a person all bad and as I said it isn't their fault, but they haven't given any of us a chance to get to know them.

My DH is going to talk to this with his brother. I originally posted this just vent because I was so frustrated over this. I now realize (thanks to all the good advice) that this is a deeper family dynamic problem and it has to be dealt with and DH agrees.