How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?

[Anonymous]

My BIL (widower) has remarried and his DW has two boys that are absolute monsters. Obese, glued to video games and throw tantrums at the drop of the hat to get their way. We all spent the summer trying to enjoy our family vacation home while these little terrorists insisted on nuggets and mac n cheese at every meal, didn't participate in any activities, farted and burped in church and we just generally horrible. Their mom seemed proud of them and kept them stocked in junk food and games. I don't want advice about this, because there is zero I can do. I just feel horrible for my three nieces who have to put up with their new step brothers. Besides I can only imagine the can of worms it would open if anyone said anything to them or their mother.
Sad thing is - my boys are the same age and there were looking forward to a summer with their new cousins. I'm not sure they interacted for more than 5 minutes and it wasn't for lack of trying on my sons part.


Tell me how you deal with something is in your face, frustrating you and interfering with your family/time/life and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. How do you grit your teeth and just bare it? Or do you do your best to nudge the situation in a better direction?

[Anonymous]

Bleh, sorry for the typos and autocorrects. But the venting made me feel a little better.

[Anonymous]

Hope he doesn't have any kids with the new wife and be there when he divorces her. Dead wife must be spinning in her grave.

[Anonymous]

I would limit the time that my own family spent with BIL's new family. And I sure as heck wouldn't be vacationing with them. How did you all wind up sharing a vacation house? Is this something that you own together or something that you rented together.

[Anonymous]

I'd consider two things:
Behavior on vacation isn't always indicative of regular life
These kids are adjusting to a new father figure (and may not be over the split)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would limit the time that my own family spent with BIL's new family. And I sure as heck wouldn't be vacationing with them. How did you all wind up sharing a vacation house? Is this something that you own together or something that you rented together.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope he doesn't have any kids with the new wife and be there when he divorces her. Dead wife must be spinning in her grave.

I feel so bad for my nieces. The oldest 10 has let some things slip about these boys bullying the girls into doing their chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would limit the time that my own family spent with BIL's new family. And I sure as heck wouldn't be vacationing with them. How did you all wind up sharing a vacation house? Is this something that you own together or something that you rented together.

It is sort of a family compound, three smaller homes and a larger communal space. We all spend time there together every year and after Christmas. The entire family had a rough time this summer with these boys. My father actually marched the older boy 12 out of church after he farted for the third time. His mother tried to accuse my dad of manhandling him but my dad wasn't having it.

[Anonymous]

Hope the divorce is ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd consider two things:
Behavior on vacation isn't always indicative of regular life
These kids are adjusting to a new father figure (and may not be over the split)

They've been married since February, these boys are like this all the time. We do sunday family dinners and my BILs family comes to those often.

I will give you that this *might* be because of the new situation, but honestly the video game and junk food addictions plus the rude talking back and laziness didn't happen over night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would limit the time that my own family spent with BIL's new family. And I sure as heck wouldn't be vacationing with them. How did you all wind up sharing a vacation house? Is this something that you own together or something that you rented together.

It is sort of a family compound, three smaller homes and a larger communal space. We all spend time there together every year and after Christmas. The entire family had a rough time this summer with these boys. My father actually marched the older boy 12 out of church after he farted for the third time. His mother tried to accuse my dad of manhandling him but my dad wasn't having it.

That's a shame and good for your father. Hopefully things will improve with these boys once they've had time to adjust. It seems as though there is plenty of room in this compound and that you should all have your own personal space. Maybe don't spend so much time together, do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Not picking on you, OP, bc I can understand this sucking, but I would just redirect my attention to those 3 girls. How horrible for them.

[Anonymous]

Wait, how is this your brother in law, but your family (i.e., your father). I'm not getting the dynamic.

I agree, it's early and a lot has to be sorted out - the kids are probably reeling. But soon, and perhaps gradually, some lines are going to have to be drawn. If they are coming to your house for dinner, after the next belch, excuse them from the table.

You need to strike a fine line of being welcoming, but firm. So make alliances with the new wife, and gently let her know what is and isn't acceptable. Reach out to the daughters and do one on one things. Have whomever is closest to the BIL talk regularly to him.

The reason I ask how is the BIL related when it's your father is I wonder if the BIL has strong enough ties to the family. Is he only participating because of his daughters? If so, are there ways to suggest having daughters stay at family compound, without entire family needing to be there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would limit the time that my own family spent with BIL's new family. And I sure as heck wouldn't be vacationing with them. How did you all wind up sharing a vacation house? Is this something that you own together or something that you rented together.

It is sort of a family compound, three smaller homes and a larger communal space. We all spend time there together every year and after Christmas. The entire family had a rough time this summer with these boys. My father actually marched the older boy 12 out of church after he farted for the third time. His mother tried to accuse my dad of manhandling him but my dad wasn't having it.

That's a shame and good for your father. Hopefully things will improve with these boys once they've had time to adjust. It seems as though there is plenty of room in this compound and that you should all have your own personal space. Maybe don't spend so much time together, do your own thing.

Good for your dad. And maybe put together some girl things for the girls to do only. Give *them* a chance to vent, talk about anything that is bothering them, and mom-stuff too in case they don't have it with their step-mom.

[Anonymous]

I think you should stand up for those girls. Take your BIL aside and talk to him gently but firmly. So many parents let their kids be treated like trash in order to pacify a new spouse and everyone just looks on silently. It's awful. Talk to your BIL and then try to be an oasis for those girls by having them over to your place for extended periods (couch it as "girls time" and claim to be giving them manicures and other girly things so that the asshole new wife doesn't make a big deal out of it that her sons are included).