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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I could have written your post - including the part about rationalizing that it is sort of equal treatment compared to the lying and sneaking around and emotional absence that goes with alcoholism.  I havent had an affair but have had many serious fantasies about it - if the opportunity had really presented itself in a compelling way I might have.  But I agree with other PPs - even if you feel better for a bit (recognized as an attractive, sexual person, given attention you lacked in the marriage, etc) it cant help with the marriage.  That rationale makes you seem vindictive - imagine explaining to the marriage counselor that you felt 'justified'... If you want to try to save the marriage, be the strong one, go to therapy, and if it doesnt work out then you are free to go.  DH and I have our first appointment this week....[/quote]

OP here, thanks for this.  I guess maybe I'm one step farther in my own strong fantasy by fixating on an actual person and thinking about plans (although perhaps you have too?).  I intellectually understand that this is an emotional reaction and not a rational one, but emotion and phsicality are the missing parts! I think I'm strong enough to at least see through some counseling but don't have any plan or really any idea how long to stick it out. While it's easy enough to stay away from the object of my fantasy, that hurts too as I feel like I'm giving up yet another part of my life since we got along so well even before affair thoughts started running through my head.

You mentioned you're about to start with your husband in therapy, have you thought about how long you're willing to go on?   I guess it depends on your progress.  I really need to think this through before getting into therapy and think about what I'd like to see from him. Suggestions from anyone are welcome, although its probably a "know it when you see it" sort of thing i imagine.

Thinking this out a little and (finally) putting it down somewhere for feedback has helped already.  
[/quote]

I fixated on someone too in my fantasies, he just wasn't really attainable (a work acquaintance, not someone I ever spend time alone with).  During the lowest of times, if the opportunity had arisen...  At any rate, you asked about therapy.  DH is willingly going, but I went to see someone myself for a few months first - I thought it was only fair to get my own house in order before making him face me, because I have a boatload of anger, distrust, etc.  I now have a much better idea of what I want from marriage - a lot of it is what you describe - emotional connection and a sex life (haven't had one in years!), although I'm not sure what it will take to get back there or whether we will.  We'll just have to see how it goes.  I honestly dont think we'll ever get back to a good sex life, but the rest maybe...

FWIW, once I got through my "I should have an affair - it would serve him right for sneaking around, lying, hiding things from me, and meanwhile being completely unavailable" phase (not that it doesn't resurface but at least I'm not justifying it to myself anymore), what I've come to is this (YMMV):  my husband is a stranger to me but he's not mean or abusive, he's a good dad, he does his share with the kids and around the house, and I dont really think I would be better off without him because I'm too old and too busy with work and kids to have much of a chance at finding love again.  And while I think if I had the affair before we started therapy DH would probably 'forgive' me because it really would have been 'an eye for an eye' (that is, he knows I have to forgive him too), I know it would do a lot of damage.

Good luck!

PS - I had a very hard time finding a couples therapist that specializes in addiction, but my individual therapist pushed me to find one and not settle.  I think our emotional issues are very tied up the addiction behavior, and she thought a specialist would be better at helping us unpack that. [/quote]

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