How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?
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Anonymous
| Who are these people asking what do you do and why don't you have as much money as us? They seem incredibly rude! I am a SAHM and rarely get asked this, but when I do, I say: "I stay at home." |
Anonymous
Oh, and on the "what do you do all day?" - maybe this is just my style, but I'd just answer earnestly, and again change the subject. "Well, today, I meal planned for the week and did a big grocery shop. Do you like to cook?" or whatever depending on what you actually did. My guess is part of the issue is that these are socially awkward people who were hoping you would have said you had a job because then they could have asked a follow up question, and they don't know what to say as a follow up question to a SAHM. Anyone who's starting a conversation in a social situation with "what do you do?" is... not good at small talk. So I'd probably assume "awkwardness" over "judgment." |
Anonymous
| I SAH because of a kid with more obvious needs. I am rarely asked about my work situation. You must hang out with nosy girlfriends or in a lower COL place. I say this because I feel guilty for not working and feel the need to explain myself to other people (despite being busy all the time) and find that nobody really cares. |
Anonymous
| I was rarely asked, but would say I stay busy when asked. It was actually my own medical issue. |
Anonymous
| Say you retired early. That usually shuts people up. |
Anonymous
NP Yes! Often but being a sahm is not common in my area so that may be why. Some people even seem contemptuous despite otherwise being friendly. Its hard for people to hide their judgments. I've had friends, my kids' teachers and strangers express disapproval by making blanket statements that are clearly made to offend. The higher SES just dont ask as much and are even encouraging (but I suspect they're just being kind). It is a bummer because I understand op wanting a neat answer but you have to accept that you cannot singlehandedly change people's deeply held biases. Its ok if people think you're making terrible choices if you know personally that its best. There is always someone that will happily look down on you, it will be ok, that is their issue to grapple with, do not let it be yours. |
Anonymous
| Sometimes I say I’ll return to work if the time was right / the right opportunity came up. |
Anonymous
| I know plenty of SAH moms of teenagers. I would respond with something like, "wow" or "Why do you ask?" Maybe even, "what an intrusive question!" |
Anonymous
That is so odd. I haven’t worked since my oldest was a toddler and my youngest is now in middle school. No one has ever said anything to my face about it. I would just say I have a lot to handle and leave it at that. |
Anonymous
This. I stopped working in 2008. No kids. When people asked what I did, my answers were (once I gave up the less than truthful "freelance consulting" or "tryong my hand at a novel" crutches) --as little as possible --I'm not sure but my days are full --not much --I often wonder that myself They stopped cold. -- |
Anonymous
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My mom stopped working when I was born and never went back. There was no real reason; I'm an only child and didn't have any special needs. My dad is a biglaw partner and my mom has a high school education, so there just wasn't much sense in her returning to work.
If you're sensitive about these kinds of question (my mom is, so I get it, truly), you need a default answer that you can use every time without much thought. If you have a stock response, you don't run the risk of getting fluttered or blurting out something you later regret. I suggest something along the lines of "Mhhm, yeah, life is pretty busy these days" and change the subject. If they push, either repeat or say something like "Why are you asking?". |
Anonymous
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OP I am 15:26
I get that having a "secret" reason makes it internally roiling. I quit because I was unhappy in a toxic workplace and was totally stressed out. I didn't want to tell ANYONE why I quit. That's why I used the less than truthful emotional crutches. Once I was at peace with my decison, it was easy to blow them off. Often they ARE just looking to make conversation. I will menton things like a hobby or interest or book and then we can converse on a topic other than work In DC it's such a "what do you do/what can you do for me" place. If people mention two income upsmanship, just say "that sounds great, tell me about your new X, going to Y, whatever" If you are not feeling torn or furtive about it, it's like water off a duck's back to you. If they really are obnoxious. I often say "yes if we had more means it would be a chance to expand our charitable giving insted of including X in our estate plans." Makes their flashy spend seem a tad tacky lolz. |
Anonymous
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And piling on, even if the real reason IS NOT private, it's obnoxious.
Sure one could say "I quit working because I got a 7 figure settlement in litigation, sorry can't say more NDA ya know" but even if it's public knowledge you DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER QUSTIONS about money and working. |
Anonymous
| I’m totally the kind of person who would ask you what you do now that your kids are older. But even gaffe-master me would know to back off if your response was that you’re staying home due to a private medical issue. I would assume it’s yours, rather than that of another family member. |
Anonymous
| SAHM of teens here …. Just say you take care of your family and manage the house. Don’t worry about how other people react, you can’t control that so smile and move on. |