How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

?? You are privileged to be able to not work and have teens in 2025. Maybe people are reacting to the fact that you don’t get that? You don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for a concrete fact about your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant SAHM.

IRL, in our circles - how the kids are doing is the only thing that matters - but SAHM/WOHM does not matter. I think it is mainly because daily life, work life, raising a family, household maintenance and social obligations - all of it is a mental burden for women mainly, and no one glamourizes working/not working. I am not saying that people are unaware or unappreciative of the financial benefits of a paycheck.

Once I was introduced to a new person. Without any preamble she asked me "Do you work?" and my instant response was -"Oh, no, no, no. I’m not stupid enough to waste my life working for money."

Why do you think someone needs an answer to this question? Can you just say that you are happy not working?

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

I wish people would believe women when they say this. Just because you wouldn’t say it, or maybe haven’t heard it uttered to another SAHM in your presence, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens, all too frequently. It’s disgusting. I wish I had advice, OP, but I’m here in solidarity!

+1 I've picked up part time work over the years, but never went back to my career pre-children. When kids were in MS I started getting a lot of questions about what I did with all of my "free time" and others would say something along the lines of being jealous of my freedom, etc. I learned to simply say "DH and I figured out a system for parenting that works for us." If someone really pressed, I might respond with a salty "hey, I'm taking one for the team by volunteering at school etc since working moms can't always be here at the times they are needed."

OP, you don't owe anyone an explanation just because they ask. You have to do what makes sense for your family.

Reinforcing misogynistic values shows everyone who you really are.

[Anonymous]

I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say you are retired. And move on.

That is always such a dumb response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say you retired early. That usually shuts people up.

That just reinforces that you’re lazy.

DP here. I don’t say I’m retired. But to quite Eleanor Roosevelt, “what other people think of me is none of my business.” I am content with my choices and thankful that I had the freedom to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say you retired early. That usually shuts people up.

That just reinforces that you’re lazy.

LMAO! I am more busy "retired" than I was working!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say you retired early. That usually shuts people up.

That just reinforces that you’re lazy.

LMAO! I am more busy "retired" than I was working!

[Anonymous]

I’ll take questions invented in the head of OP for 600 Alex

[Anonymous]

Can't you just....tell them what you do all day? I think some people are genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

This. All of my working friends (doctors, lawyers) say they’d love to stay home. They just can’t afford to.

[Anonymous]

Someone once told me to respond with “why do you ask?”

Sounds like this could work in this situation.

[Anonymous]

My older sibling doesn’t work and hasn’t worked for the last two decades. His cover was taking care of our aging parents, who have since passed on. I’m reality, he has schizophrenia. I now support him financially. When I mentioned it to family who were constantly after him for money, they simply never replied. I’m so sorry your DD are struggling. I can imagine it’s a very heavy load you carry.

[Anonymous]

I was very involuntarily laid off/DOGED at the age of 57 and was hoping to retire at 62, so that moved things up. After a life of working and with a teenager (yup, old mom too) I was dreading these questions. Found anything? Where have you landed? Any luck? And the answer is no, nowhere, and no, the job market sucks. Anyway my point being, I fudged and lied at first and said how busy things seemed until I realized it’s true. Teenagers are more needy than little kids I feel like! So now I say my job is essentially working for my kid and getting her where she needs to be and it’s more work than I realized, and that maybe after she gets her license the job market will be better. You could try something like that.

Or you could say it’s a full time job looking for friends who aren’t giant a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

OP here. Unfortunately, yes, it’s a common question I get when meeting new people once they hear how old our children are.

Tell them you do whatever the hell you want every day. Oh, you can also tell them to shut up!😁