How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Well, you missed the part where I work. So, judgment abounds indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Well, you missed the part where I work. So, judgment abounds indeed.

I didn’t miss it. You provided a long list of things that people can do while at home that are done by all parents/adults.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, I give a joke answer. For example, I say I'm eighty if someone asks my age.

If you ever do any volunteering or consulting, you could use it as a "cover," and no one has to know how many or few hours you are "working."

This kind of question seems very nosy, yet there's also the possibility they are hoping to gain inspiration or ideas for how you "retired" or were able to stop working because they would like to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

OP here. Unfortunately, yes, it’s a common question I get when meeting new people once they hear how old our children are.

I usually respond with "nothing, absolutely nothing" in a snarky way. Because that's all that kind of question or comment deserves.

Frankly, when I was working FT, I never asked anyone who SAHM that.

This.

I stopped working in 2008. No kids.

When people asked what I did, my answers were (once I gave up the less than truthful "freelance consulting" or "tryong my hand at a novel" crutches)

--as little as possible
--I'm not sure but my days are full
--not much
--I often wonder that myself

They stopped cold.
--

Great ideas! I love, "I often wonder that myself."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Well, you missed the part where I work. So, judgment abounds indeed.

I didn’t miss it. You provided a long list of things that people can do while at home that are done by all parents/adults.

They’re really not, though. A lot of people don’t drive their kids to multiple activities or several different schools because they can’t or choose not to and people have all different ideas about what it means to maintain a household. That’s fine, but it’s silly to pretend we’re all doing the same. People that work outside the home have to make compromises because there’s only so many hours in the day. But the idea that they can’t imagine how to fill those hours is asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Ummm...the quality of household management and parenting done by a SAH parent vs WOH parent is different. Just because more time can be devoted to these tasks.

As a SAHM, I absolutely do way less work than when I was working. And I am present at home to hire domestic staff and other contractors and supervise them - so more things get handled.

I do know that most adults my age work more than me. I think WOHMs are really supermoms.

[Anonymous]

Own your choice. Nobody really cares. Just say this works for our family right now. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Why do you care about the opinions of others so much? Just say this arrangement works best for you family and leave it at that. My DCs are in middle and high school now, and I have no intention of going back to work because at this point DH’s income would be 6-8x mine, so it doesn’t make sense for our family for me to work. I have many hobbies, including ones that directly benefit our family such as cooking elaborate and healthy meals or planning enriching international trips that expose and educate my kids about the world, etc. I have zero concerns that someone might be judging me as privileged while I am enjoying my life and our family is thriving. It’s their problem, not mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Why do you care about the opinions of others so much? Just say this arrangement works best for you family and leave it at that. My DCs are in middle and high school now, and I have no intention of going back to work because at this point DH’s income would be 6-8x mine, so it doesn’t make sense for our family for me to work. I have many hobbies, including ones that directly benefit our family such as cooking elaborate and healthy meals or planning enriching international trips that expose and educate my kids about the world, etc. I have zero concerns that someone might be judging me as privileged while I am enjoying my life and our family is thriving. It’s their problem, not mine

[Anonymous]

I just say I exercise a few hours a day, read, take long walks, volunteer, plan my next vacation, travel. Basically enjoy my days, with time for myself and the family. I have no need to prove myself to anyone.

[Anonymous]

tell them you're working on your PhD dissertation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Their judgement is their problem, not yours. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Tell them you shop, do pilates and drink matcha. This is standard Gen Z answer to "What do you do?", even if they are astronauts or mathematicians.

[Anonymous]

I'm a physician who retired prematurely and I manage our rentals but don't offer any of these details if someone judges me for being JUST A SAHM.