How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

This. All of my working friends (doctors, lawyers) say they’d love to stay home. They just can’t afford to.

Lots of women with much lower household incomes stay home. What you really mean is that they can’t afford the lifestyle they prefer if they stay home. But lawyers and doctors probably locked themselves in with student loans. I did too, but we lived entirely on my husband’s income for several years while I worked solely to pay off loans (and maintain daycare). It doesn’t take long if they really want to quit work.

Oh brother. They are just being polite. No, they don’t want to stay home.

Of course they do. Get out of your bubble. Having a SAHM is a value decision that many working class families choose.

Not everyone aspires to live in a McMansion and drive a luxury car.

DP
I agree with that pp, that they're just being empathetic/encouraging but dont actually want to quit working. In the same way many a sahm will say she wishes she was working to appease those around her but actually very much likes being a sahm but finds it distasteful to wax poetic about it. I do wish people could accept everyone has different tastes/needs/temperaments. As you say, not everyone wants the fancy house/car and some can afford that and more but don't spend in that manner and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

I mean this as gently as possible, but people really don’t care or give as much thought to you as you apparently think they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

OP here. Unfortunately, yes, it’s a common question I get when meeting new people once they hear how old our children are.

It’s small talk, OP. They aren’t actually invested in your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

I mean this as gently as possible, but people really don’t care or give as much thought to you as you apparently think they do.

Some people actually do and they ruminate on it to the degree that they cant help but spit it in your face, especially close families and long time friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

I mean this as gently as possible, but people really don’t care or give as much thought to you as you apparently think they do.

Some people actually do and they ruminate on it to the degree that they cant help but spit it in your face, especially close families and long time friends.

This can go for anything from how you give birth, feed your baby, practice religion, choose your school, where you travel...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this problem too OP. I am 40s and have 1 child. Because of my parents' health situation we live with them. I have a good job and significant savings from selling my home in the DC area; I invest the $$ and am ready to purchase a new home when the time is right.

My parents live in HCOL area on the east coast. I can afford a single family house maybe 20 minutes from theirs but not near enough to make things easy given the health issues. They have a large home with plenty of space. We will live here for the next few years as the situation inevitably advances.

Its not anyone's business but I get questions and comments, a range of sympathetic to nosy or even mocking, from people who assume I am needy.

I dont have a lot of great advice. I have my set TPs but not every conversation follows a predictable path. Sometimes I walk away happy with my responses; other times I am annoyed. I have accepted that this will be how it goes and I am proud of my life and choices.

I am South Asian. This would never be a question in my circles. Parents buy big homes to accomodate grandparents, siblings, children etc. Adult children live with their parents to pool resources and solve for running a household, eldercare, childcare, wealth accumulation and financial security.