How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

These people should not be in the running for having a deeper relationship with you. What I've observed is that people who can pull off a breezy non-committal type of answer (like those that pp suggested) are usually not pressured for more.

[Anonymous]

“I have my reasons but I don’t want to get into it.” Smile, then immediately ask a question that changes the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m totally the kind of person who would ask you what you do now that your kids are older. But even gaffe-master me would know to back off if your response was that you’re staying home due to a private medical issue. I would assume it’s yours, rather than that of another family member.

It’s a stupid question. It’s like asking you what you could possibly do to occupy your time on weekends. Aren’t you bored?

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM also with a kid who needs extra help, and I have been asked "what do you do all day." It's usually not asked in a nice way and not people I want to associate with but I also thought maybe people are just trying to know your hobbies/interests? Many SAHMs in our area have some passion they're really into or they are very involved in the community. I haven't quite crafted a perfect answer yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's CRAZY to me that people are asking beyond "what do you do?" "Oh, I'm a stay at home parent." The end. Like this:

People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive.

Blows my mind. I can't imagine anyone saying this. So my first question would be: are you sure that you're interpreting their questions right? And this isn't just internal defensiveness? Like, it makes sense that when they ask how old your kids are and you say 15 and 17 or something that they're surprised and maybe say, "Oh, really?" or something but are they actually saying "why aren't you back at work, they're so old?" If so, I'm sorry the people around you suck. Or are they actually saying "oh, well, I have a nice house. Don't you want out of your starter home?" Or are they saying "Oh, we'd just really struggle financially on one income" or something that you can just say "oh, we make it work!" or something to?

I guess either way the answer is the same - give a breezy blow off answer and change the subject. "Oh, they keep me busy! Do you have kids?"

+1. It's so beyond rude that I can't imagine it. If somebody really said to me, "Hey Sally, ever realized you would have more money if you held a job?" that person could leave my house and never come back.

TBC, the just-met "So what do you do?" question is fine. It's also okay for someone to ask what your hobbies are, and I can envision that coming out (awkwardly) as, "So, what do you do all day?"

But if they are really asking why don't you work, aren't you unhappy in your little house, doesn't it make you feel lazy, etc., then please please call them on it. Personally I like "Why would you say that?" or "What a hurtful thing to say to someone."

[Anonymous]

I am an immigrant SAHM.

IRL, in our circles - how the kids are doing is the only thing that matters - but SAHM/WOHM does not matter. I think it is mainly because daily life, work life, raising a family, household maintenance and social obligations - all of it is a mental burden for women mainly, and no one glamourizes working/not working. I am not saying that people are unaware or unappreciative of the financial benefits of a paycheck.

Once I was introduced to a new person. Without any preamble she asked me "Do you work?" and my instant response was -"Oh, no, no, no. I’m not stupid enough to waste my life working for money."

Why do you think someone needs an answer to this question? Can you just say that you are happy not working?

[Anonymous]

Just tell them some BS answer. Just say I stay at home because we summer in Europe. Who has time to work when I need three whole months off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

This.

[Anonymous]

Op, maybe your anxiety is creating the awkwardness. I can sense it in your writing, that you feel like this a secret you need to justify and you fret that you need to make up better excuses. Can you try projecting more positivity around this? Like when you are asked what you do, "I'm blessed to be able to stay at home" or when you feel like they're judging your financial situation, "I realize we're so lucky to be able to make it work, it's been great for our family." If they ask what you do all day (super rude) "I love cooking/baking/gardening/taking care of the house" as the case may be.

To be clear I think it's rude for people to probe, and you shouldn't have to feel put on the spot, but it may help you to be clear upfront that you're happy with this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

I wish people would believe women when they say this. Just because you wouldn’t say it, or maybe haven’t heard it uttered to another SAHM in your presence, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens, all too frequently. It’s disgusting. I wish I had advice, OP, but I’m here in solidarity!

+1 I've picked up part time work over the years, but never went back to my career pre-children. When kids were in MS I started getting a lot of questions about what I did with all of my "free time" and others would say something along the lines of being jealous of my freedom, etc. I learned to simply say "DH and I figured out a system for parenting that works for us." If someone really pressed, I might respond with a salty "hey, I'm taking one for the team by volunteering at school etc since working moms can't always be here at the times they are needed."

OP, you don't owe anyone an explanation just because they ask. You have to do what makes sense for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM also with a kid who needs extra help, and I have been asked "what do you do all day." It's usually not asked in a nice way and not people I want to associate with but I also thought maybe people are just trying to know your hobbies/interests? Many SAHMs in our area have some passion they're really into or they are very involved in the community. I haven't quite crafted a perfect answer yet.

As someone with a white collar job, it's so funny to me because so much of what happens in the office is BS, so you could quite justifiably ask office workers what they do all day as well.

[Anonymous]

I was a sahm. Kids now grown. Yes.. Folks ask this!

My answers varied, depending upon the spirit in which it was asked. Once at a fancy dinner party, full of power couples, a man looked down his nose and asked me what I did with myself all day. I smiled sweetly and replied, "absolutely nothing". Another man burst out laughing and said, " just like Seinfeld". This was a looong time ago.

[Anonymous]

Yes. This. Don't go down the makes it work for us/personal reasons/excuse road.
You don't need an excuse.
Blow the question off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

I wish people would believe women when they say this. Just because you wouldn’t say it, or maybe haven’t heard it uttered to another SAHM in your presence, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens, all too frequently. It’s disgusting. I wish I had advice, OP, but I’m here in solidarity!

+1 I've picked up part time work over the years, but never went back to my career pre-children. When kids were in MS I started getting a lot of questions about what I did with all of my "free time" and others would say something along the lines of being jealous of my freedom, etc. I learned to simply say "DH and I figured out a system for parenting that works for us." If someone really pressed, I might respond with a salty "hey, I'm taking one for the team by volunteering at school etc since working moms can't always be here at the times they are needed."

OP, you don't owe anyone an explanation just because they ask. You have to do what makes sense for your family.

No, dont throw it back on working moms as they pick up plenty of slack volunteering. Dont sink to the tit for tat level. Rise above that bs, being a mom is tough at times for all of us and I am not going to throw any shade at other mothers.

[Anonymous]

I say I volunteer.