How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM of teens here …. Just say you take care of your family and manage the house. Don’t worry about how other people react, you can’t control that so smile and move on.

People hire cleaner, cooks,babysitters, house managers but still complain about chores and parenting and fight with their spouses about it. What are you ashamed of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I volunteer.

“Why volunteer for free when you could get paid?”

Flexibility to do as much or as little and make a difference in people's lives without charging them on top of caring for your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... you do not need to be polite to anyone asking such a personal question.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say you're helping a loved one with a chronic illness. If pressed you can say,

I'd rather not get into it now for their privacy, but trust me it takes a lot of time. How about you? How do you spend your days?

If that's not true then don't say it. You aren't answerable to them. Lol though most SAHM have husbands with chronic illness of being useless at chores and parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Not as well or as extensively. It’s just physically not possible. I’ve been both a working mom and a SAHM and know the difference. Also, when both parents are working, all these chores are typically divided, but with a stay at home parent, the working spouse can focus on their career a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done
by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Sorry, if someone is at work for 8 hours, commuting another and sleeps for 6-8 hours, they aren't doing all these chores. Well, may be if they are too poor to afford help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell them you're working on your PhD dissertation

I actually do take educational courses in areas of my interest but I feel no need to give an straight answer to a crooked question.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and the best thing you can do is actually get okay with being one in your own head.

I’m not saying a really obnoxious question wouldn’t irk me, but it says more about the other person than it does about me and it’s not my job to have the perfect answer to fix the awkwardness. Lol because I don’t have a job.

Life as a SAHM is deeply humbling in so many ways. But humility is great. What would Pooh say?

I mean maybe Pooh just says “I’m going to go get a drink” in this situation, if it’s just some jerk at a party.

But imo ALL moms are making hard choices and dealing with a lot so if it were a friend, I hope I would try listening. What are they saying? Maybe their job is essential to them for all kinds of good reasons that might be material or internal and they want to feel better about the path not taken. It’s probably not just that they’re trying to put you down. And if they are, it’s probably because something is wrong and/or they’re scared.

[Anonymous]

I might try just being quiet and blinking slowly

[Anonymous]

If I were in your position, I would simply state that I prefer not to discuss my employment situation as it is a very personal matter.

Then leave it at that.
If after telling someone this…..and they continue to bring up this topic I would reconsider having these people in my life.
After all, boundaries need to be respected.

Personally I find the questions that these people are asking you highly intrusive.
Their unspoken assumptions that you do “nothing” all day since you do not go to work are truly none of their business.

Hopefully this helps‼️

[Anonymous]

SAHM and I just want to point out that I am also guilty of careless, insensitive comments to working moms. Sometimes I complain about school volunteer stuff that they don’t have time to even do or sometimes I marvel about how they “do it all” without thinking about how stressed they are about it.

We all make missteps, just keep trying to celebrate and lift up your friends. One of the benefits of my not very busy lifestyle is having more patience (I think, I hope). So use it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I have been riding the gravy train since my youngest was born."

Yeah - I contribute nothing to society 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

This. All of my working friends (doctors, lawyers) say they’d love to stay home. They just can’t afford to.

Lots of women with much lower household incomes stay home. What you really mean is that they can’t afford the lifestyle they prefer if they stay home. But lawyers and doctors probably locked themselves in with student loans. I did too, but we lived entirely on my husband’s income for several years while I worked solely to pay off loans (and maintain daycare). It doesn’t take long if they really want to quit work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Well, you missed the part where I work. So, judgment abounds indeed.

I didn’t miss it. You provided a long list of things that people can do while at home that are done by all parents/adults.

Obviously, working parents do a lot less of it because we all have the same amount of time. They also outsource more of these things, including to SAHMs who still volunteer more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

This. All of my working friends (doctors, lawyers) say they’d love to stay home. They just can’t afford to.

Lots of women with much lower household incomes stay home. What you really mean is that they can’t afford the lifestyle they prefer if they stay home. But lawyers and doctors probably locked themselves in with student loans. I did too, but we lived entirely on my husband’s income for several years while I worked solely to pay off loans (and maintain daycare). It doesn’t take long if they really want to quit work.

Oh brother. They are just being polite. No, they don’t want to stay home.