How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say I volunteer.

“Why volunteer for free when you could get paid?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

‘I just want to stay home with my kids’ is a perfectly appropriate answer. Furthermore, it’s the truth.

[Anonymous]

Just say you are retired. And move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I volunteer.

“Why volunteer for free when you could get paid?”

Only a douche would say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

‘I just want to stay home with my kids’ is a perfectly appropriate answer. Furthermore, it’s the truth.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

You owe no explanation to anyone
I would look at the person asking and say, " I beg you pardon. At the very moment I consider that any of your concerns, I will advise you.," you do not need to be polite to anyone asking such a personal question.

[Anonymous]

Them: So what do you do for work?
You: I am a stay at home mom - it's glorious!
Them: So you don't work?
You: I've found this really suits me. What are your holiday plans?

If they judge, then they're not someone you want to be friends with.

My colleague recently quit and is being a SAHM. Her sons are in daycare and 1st grade. Did she take her toddler out of daycare? Nope. She said so has no interest in ever working again. My cousin stopped working when she got pregnant. Her son has now graduated from college, and she's not worked his entire life. Some people choose to do this.

[Anonymous]

You can say you're helping a loved one with a chronic illness. If pressed you can say,

I'd rather not get into it now for their privacy, but trust me it takes a lot of time. How about you? How do you spend your days?

[Anonymous]

"I have been riding the gravy train since my youngest was born."

[Anonymous]

"I have to be available for DH and meet his needs all the time. He won't allow me to work for someone else!"

- #tradwife

[Anonymous]

I just say DH works a lot (true) so it’s easier if I don’t work (also true.) It so rarely comes up though. Once your kids are in MS/HS people stop asking. SAHM’s who are going to go back to work usually do it by the time the last child is late elementary or so. Not always but usually.

[Anonymous]

Stat a small non profit and when people ask just tell them that you run one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say you retired early. That usually shuts people up.

That just reinforces that you’re lazy.

[Anonymous]

Two things I have noticed in life
1) the people who make a big deal about what I am eating or not eating have food issues themselves
2) people who make a big deal out of whether a person works outside the home have issues about their lifestyle and choices

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp sahm doing absolutely nothing.

Answering the question from other women was always a challenge to me. Sure, I don't really want to be best friends with a judgy mom questioning my lifestyle choices, but also... I don't know her. Don't want to take a chance on hurting her feelings. My baseline assumption is we're all doing our best for our families.

I had the luxury and privilege to to live exactly the life I wanted, and that worked best for my family. That may be rare. But I never thought my best life was someone else's best life. Different needs, abilities, talents, interests, etc.

It always seemed impossible to answer the question seriously without participating, at least peripherally, in the mommy wars.

OP: maybe you can adapt my strategy used with a very good but very bossy friend. Smile, kinda nod, let her keep talking....telling me what to do and how to do it. Later my friend is always surprised I haven't actually followed her advice, but after years of this, just thinks I'm really flakey. But she likes me a lot.