How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?
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Anonymous
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I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.
The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work. We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out. I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged. So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive? What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further? |
Anonymous
| Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking) |
Anonymous
This. My kids are older and absolutely at an age where they wouldn't need someone home with them after school. I know a bunch of SAHMs. No one questions them. Just tell people it's what you've chosen to do with your family. If they continue to push, they are just judgy jerks and you don't need them in your life. |
Anonymous
OP here. Unfortunately, yes, it’s a common question I get when meeting new people once they hear how old our children are. |
Anonymous
I wish people would believe women when they say this. Just because you wouldn’t say it, or maybe haven’t heard it uttered to another SAHM in your presence, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens, all too frequently. It’s disgusting. I wish I had advice, OP, but I’m here in solidarity! |
Anonymous
If people are actually saying "what do you do all day?" or looking at your financial situation and judging, frankly, you do not want them as friends. Just answer, "this is the best decision for our family," and move on. |
Anonymous
I usually respond with "nothing, absolutely nothing" in a snarky way. Because that's all that kind of question or comment deserves. Frankly, when I was working FT, I never asked anyone who SAHM that. |
Anonymous
FYI - my youngest is in college and I am still "at home." I volunteer, provide a lot of support to older kids, and run our households. Going back to work at this stage when we don't need the money, makes no sense and would contribute little to our quality of life. |
Anonymous
OP here. I don’t think anyone has a clue about our finances, other than we are still in our (comfortable, large enough) starter home and never upgraded. We don’t ask for charity or mention any struggles, if that’s what you’re assuming. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry your daughter is dealing with a serious issue. I think you know that you do not owe anyone an explanation. My kids are young adults and I have plenty of friends who do not work. The people asking you are rude. I think Carolyn Hax would tell you to turn the question on them and ask them why they need to know. Or you can say something like this situation works best for our family. |
Anonymous
| Its no ones business. I am also a SAHM and started because of extreme burnout. Then one of my children had a medical condition and also needed to go to a bunch of appointments. Now years later there's no "excuse". I just laugh and say I'm retired! I'm only 40s FWIW. |
Anonymous
Thank you, that means a lot. I always try to take the high ground, even though I’d love to give snarky responses that leave people with their mouths gaping. I let them think what they want, but I still get anxious anticating the questions, because they always come. |
Anonymous
| My mom just told everyone she's a painter. She was, sort of, but it was more similar to your situation behind the scenes. I don't think she ever sold a piece. |
Anonymous
I am really sorry you have to deal with that. I am not currently a SAHM but I have another family situation where people ask stupid intrusive questions. In my experience, the best answer to that question is "I'm sorry what?" with a confused face that indicates you can't possibly have heard the question correctly because no one could possibly be that rude. If they ask you why, or if you get the sense that they're asking because they're trying to figure out what might work for their family, then I would say "It's what works for our family." But "What do you do all day?" I wouldn't dignify with a response. |
Anonymous
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It's CRAZY to me that people are asking beyond "what do you do?" "Oh, I'm a stay at home parent." The end. Like this:
People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. Blows my mind. I can't imagine anyone saying this. So my first question would be: are you sure that you're interpreting their questions right? And this isn't just internal defensiveness? Like, it makes sense that when they ask how old your kids are and you say 15 and 17 or something that they're surprised and maybe say, "Oh, really?" or something but are they actually saying "why aren't you back at work, they're so old?" If so, I'm sorry the people around you suck. Or are they actually saying "oh, well, I have a nice house. Don't you want out of your starter home?" Or are they saying "Oh, we'd just really struggle financially on one income" or something that you can just say "oh, we make it work!" or something to? I guess either way the answer is the same - give a breezy blow off answer and change the subject. "Oh, they keep me busy! Do you have kids?" |