How do I handle questions and judgment about not working when the real reason is private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

This. All of my working friends (doctors, lawyers) say they’d love to stay home. They just can’t afford to.

Lots of women with much lower household incomes stay home. What you really mean is that they can’t afford the lifestyle they prefer if they stay home. But lawyers and doctors probably locked themselves in with student loans. I did too, but we lived entirely on my husband’s income for several years while I worked solely to pay off loans (and maintain daycare). It doesn’t take long if they really want to quit work.

Oh brother. They are just being polite. No, they don’t want to stay home.

Only sometimes they do. My friend is an attorney, and since she had her baby, she’s really wanted to stay home. But like someone else said, she has student loans, and a big mortgage she doesn’t want to give up. But she genuinely says all the time that she wishes she could SAH. Deep down, she knows she could if she downsized and used her equity to pay off the loans, but having the big house and everything else is too enticing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people really asking, "what do you do all day?" because honestly being a stay at home mom is really common. Are people really judging you or are you internalizing your own discomfort with not working? (Not judging, just asking)

I wish people would believe women when they say this. Just because you wouldn’t say it, or maybe haven’t heard it uttered to another SAHM in your presence, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens, all too frequently. It’s disgusting. I wish I had advice, OP, but I’m here in solidarity!

+1 I've picked up part time work over the years, but never went back to my career pre-children. When kids were in MS I started getting a lot of questions about what I did with all of my "free time" and others would say something along the lines of being jealous of my freedom, etc. I learned to simply say "DH and I figured out a system for parenting that works for us." If someone really pressed, I might respond with a salty "hey, I'm taking one for the team by volunteering at school etc since working moms can't always be here at the times they are needed."

OP, you don't owe anyone an explanation just because they ask. You have to do what makes sense for your family.

Reinforcing misogynistic values shows everyone who you really are.

I only said something along those lines when the person was persistent with questions about what I did with my day and implied I was some sort of deadbeat, effectively asking me to justify my choices. I have plenty of friends who work full time and volunteer and that's awesome.

[Anonymous]

Some people always have something to say about others. I've had people tell me I was "wasting my life away" because I wah. That was prior to Covid and people truly could not wrap their head around the concept. Honestly the judgers are not even worthy of conversation. You have to feel secure that what you do works for you and that's all that matters.

[Anonymous]

I have this problem too OP. I am 40s and have 1 child. Because of my parents' health situation we live with them. I have a good job and significant savings from selling my home in the DC area; I invest the $$ and am ready to purchase a new home when the time is right.

My parents live in HCOL area on the east coast. I can afford a single family house maybe 20 minutes from theirs but not near enough to make things easy given the health issues. They have a large home with plenty of space. We will live here for the next few years as the situation inevitably advances.

Its not anyone's business but I get questions and comments, a range of sympathetic to nosy or even mocking, from people who assume I am needy.

I dont have a lot of great advice. I have my set TPs but not every conversation follows a predictable path. Sometimes I walk away happy with my responses; other times I am annoyed. I have accepted that this will be how it goes and I am proud of my life and choices.

[Anonymous]

"I work out of the home"

Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I find these posts to be so odd. Not once have I ever heard a conversation where people have pried beyond someone saying they're a SAHM. Perhaps you need better friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry your daughter is dealing with a serious issue. I think you know that you do not owe anyone an explanation. My kids are young adults and I have plenty of friends who do not work. The people asking you are rude. I think Carolyn Hax would tell you to turn the question on them and ask them why they need to know. Or you can say something like this situation works best for our family.

Thank you, that means a lot. I always try to take the high ground, even though I’d love to give snarky responses that leave people with their mouths gaping. I let them think what they want, but I still get anxious anticating the questions, because they always come.

How are you constantly (a) meeting new people who (b) have no brain power to comprehend that some people don't work? I think you need to work on your anxiety because it sounds like you're building this up into more than what it really is.

[Anonymous]

Op do you say a lot of sanctimonious crap about being a sahm that is causing people to respond this way?

For what it’s worth if I met someone with kids that age who stayed home I might ask what kind of hobbies you like to do because I know you’re not spending all day on childcare. But not “what do you DO all day?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom just told everyone she's a painter. She was, sort of, but it was more similar to your situation behind the scenes. I don't think she ever sold a piece.

I actually love this! Did people ever question her or ask to see her work? I SAH for various reasons including my own health issues, but I find I do a lot more than I did when I worked. I volunteer at school, help naturalists lead educational activities for kids, take classes (including painting, ha!), and read more. The home life is a lot less chaotic than when spouse and I both worked and got home at 6-7pm, and that was prekids. I have no idea how we would do that as parents since we have no grandparent help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op do you say a lot of sanctimonious crap about being a sahm that is causing people to respond this way?

For what it’s worth if I met someone with kids that age who stayed home I might ask what kind of hobbies you like to do because I know you’re not spending all day on childcare. But not “what do you DO all day?”

This. I was about to bite back with a dig at a SAHM neighbor because she was being sanctimonious while we were at the bus stop. But I held back because I decided 1) she isn't worth my time and 2) I genuinely think she is a dumb person and immediately knew she didn't work upon a few minutes of meeting her at the start of the school year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell people I like my life and have no intention of going back to work. I don’t care what they think and don’t owe them an explanation.

This. All of my working friends (doctors, lawyers) say they’d love to stay home. They just can’t afford to.

Lots of women with much lower household incomes stay home. What you really mean is that they can’t afford the lifestyle they prefer if they stay home. But lawyers and doctors probably locked themselves in with student loans. I did too, but we lived entirely on my husband’s income for several years while I worked solely to pay off loans (and maintain daycare). It doesn’t take long if they really want to quit work.

Oh brother. They are just being polite. No, they don’t want to stay home.

Of course they do. Get out of your bubble. Having a SAHM is a value decision that many working class families choose.

Not everyone aspires to live in a McMansion and drive a luxury car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, but as my kids get older, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what to say when people, both new acquaintances and old friends, ask about what I “do” or why I’m not working.

The reason I stay home is that one of my children has invisible medical issues. They’re private, and we’ve chosen not to share details because it’s her story, and as a teen she’s made it clear she doesn’t want that information public, so we are glad we never shared. When she was younger, her care required frequent appointments and unpredictable complications, so staying home made sense. Things have improved, but the needs still exist, so I’m not sure when or if I’ll return to work.

We’re not struggling financially, but we’re definitely behind compared to families with two incomes. People sometimes point that out, or comment on what they’re able to afford with a double income, and it’s awkward and intrusive. I’ve thought about just making up a “socially acceptable” answer, like saying I volunteer or help aging parents, but I don’t want to lie in case those relationships deepen, because they have in the past, and the truth comes out.

I also can’t say, “I stay home because of private medical issues,” because that invites speculation my child doesn’t deserve. But as my youngest is now 14, I feel like the judgment keeps increasing, especially in this economy. It’s hard not to internalize it when people directly ask, “What do you do all day?” or make comments implying I’m lazy or privileged.

So I’m asking for advice: How would you handle questions like this gracefully when the real reason is private and sensitive?

What kind of answer would make you back off and respect my boundaries without prying further?

Why do you care about the opinions of others so much? Just say this arrangement works best for you family and leave it at that. My DCs are in middle and high school now, and I have no intention of going back to work because at this point DH’s income would be 6-8x mine, so it doesn’t make sense for our family for me to work. I have many hobbies, including ones that directly benefit our family such as cooking elaborate and healthy meals or planning enriching international trips that expose and educate my kids about the world, etc. I have zero concerns that someone might be judging me as privileged while I am enjoying my life and our family is thriving. It’s their problem, not mine

This. I really doubt people are as hostile as OP as describing. If they are, then she should stop hanging out with judgmental insecure people who you don’t like.

She also sounds sensitive and defensive about her kids health condition. Guess what? People aren’t going to know that you’re busy with caring for this health issue if they don’t know it exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow people are rude. I work part time. There is SO f’in much to do all day every day I don’t understand these people. I do laundry, dishes, organize, clean up, cook, drive kids places, pick em up, play, homework, more laundry, watch sports they do, coordinate appointments, pick up prescriptions, coordinate activities, coordinate paying help, school crap, friend stuff, laundry, walk the dog, go to the store, go to the hardware store, have things done like gutters, vent cleaning and on and on and on it goes. How TF would there not be enough to do every day?!

Everything you listed is done by working parents too. I think that’s why OP and others run into so much judgement.

Not as well or as extensively. It’s just physically not possible. I’ve been both a working mom and a SAHM and know the difference. Also, when both parents are working, all these chores are typically divided, but with a stay at home parent, the working spouse can focus on their career a lot more.

This is where we are. I'm a SAHM now, not by choice, but because of layoffs. I've made peace with it and decided to really lean into it. Damn, I can't tell you how clean my house is, how organized it is, how supported my daughters feel, and how supported my husband feels. We're on the tail end of careers (well, mine is over now) and he's been really stressed at work for a lot of reasons. I decided since I'm now SAHM to high schoolers, I will literally just do everything. Before, I did more than my fair share. The difference now is I have the time to not only do it, but not be stressed while doing it. I service the cars, which my husband used to do on the weekends and it would blow half the day; I can do it quickly during the week. That's just one example. Got rid of cleaners and now clean myself and find that it's actually quite enjoyable if you're not trying to cram it in between meetings or after work. I worked from home before so I tended to manage any workers (pool, lawn, other maintenance like AC - we're in the south, it's needed, etc) but had to work around meetings and it was so disruptive. Now I'm just like, hey, whenever! I am actually very busy all day every day and it's kind of nice.
Working moms kick butt. SAHM moms kick butt. Both can be true, and are.

[Anonymous]

I think a vague "oh I keep busy!" and then shift the convo back to them.

Awkward comments about money I'd just ignore completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people always have something to say about others. I've had people tell me I was "wasting my life away" because I wah. That was prior to Covid and people truly could not wrap their head around the concept. Honestly the judgers are not even worthy of conversation. You have to feel secure that what you do works for you and that's all that matters.

Too funny because in my opinion, wah is living the dream, especially if you can go anywhere in the world to do so