Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

Is their risk that the freeloader sibling will sue at probate when he discovers that OP got paid by other sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is their risk that the freeloader sibling will sue at probate when he discovers that OP got paid by other sibling?

It is the mother's money to spend as she wishes while she is alive. Sounds like the mother doesn't want to pay the outrageous fee at assisted living, but maybe OP can offer to do it for $200 a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being petty. You're angry she won't bring her children. This is not your relationship to manage. Your mom shouldn't be getting that much mail and you should be able to set up autopay for most of her bills. You can probably make things easier for yourself. You seem to be in martyr territory.

Do nothing sibling, I see

[Anonymous]

Honestly if your mom can afford it pay for the medication management and laundry. It’s so easy to get burned out doing all the mundane things for them and your time is better spent on the things you can’t contract out. If nothing else look into the Amazon Pillpack where they’ll sort the meds for you and they come prepackaged by morning and evening pills.

My moms assisted living place allows deliveries so I’ve started ordering her groceries through Walmart. Walmart + offers free grocery delivery (it’s $12.99 a month or reimbursed through American Express Platinum card). It’s a lifesaver because even though I see my mom twice a week at minimum she always “needs” something. So I just have it delivered to her in the days I can’t make it. The front desk will deliver to her room.

For your original question I’d recommend talking to your sibling who handles the money and seeing if you can get a stipend to cover your time and gas. Get a credit card where you put all your moms actual expenses that gets paid directly from her account.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not you get paid for doing this work should be separate in your mind from your sibling’s relationship with your mom. Who knows why your sibling is like this, doesn’t visit, etc. it sucks but is not your relationship to manage.

Your time and your parent’s care (in collaboration with others) *are* yours to manage. One sibling getting paid for doing more work is certainly reasonable. But there should be discussion with the other siblings, a written contract, etc. The book “how to care for aging parents” by Virginia Morris has a chapter, “the inner circle,” that discusses all of this.

You could hire someone like a geriatric care manager to mediate a family meeting, to discuss what care tasks need to be done (day to day, financial planning, etc) how to keep people from getting burnt out, compensation for your work, etc. If there’s a basic issue of fairness here and compensation could help alleviate that then that it’s totally reasonable.

But your sibling isn’t going to do all the things you wish they would do and you kind of have to let go of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much would something like laundry cost? What if you raised the question with the siblings, saying that laundry cost $x per month at the facility, but that you're willing to do it for $y (less than x!), then ask which they would prefer. It may be that it's worth it to them to pay someone else so that you don't play the martyr.

Medication management plus laundry is an extra $700 a month. I just feel badly my mother spending $8400 a year on that. I have been doing it for over a year so I have saved her $12,600. The sibling who is supportive is extremely angry at the one who hasn't visited in 4 years and has just said we should pay but when I proposed it to our mother, she became so angry. She was a nurse so the thought of somebody (besides me) giving her medication gets her extremely agitated.

If the sibling who manages the money thinks you should pay for medication/laundry, go ahead and talk to them about paying yourself. Don’t bring it up with the do nothing sibling; it’s a detail of care and they’ve expressed that they’re not interested in the details sounds like. That way you get paid for your time and are less resentful and your mom is comfortable because you’re still the one giving her medication etc.

[Anonymous]

I think this is about two things:

1) You are furious at the sibling who won't visit. I would be, too. In fact, in my extended family we have a similar situation with a sibling who has completely checked out of his parents' care and won't visit or call. It is very frustrating and hurtful. We don't really get it but have to assume he can't handle it emotionally or otherwise has no bandwidth. Is it fair to those who are doing the hard, everyday work? of course not. But it is what it is, and it's unlikely to change. Best to let it go. Also, let go of the inheritance issue. Your checked-out sib is going to have to live with his choices for the rest of his life. That is his real punishment.

2) You are feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities to your mom. In this case, I think you should take a look at what you are currently doing and make choices about what you can outsource so you don't feel so stressed out. If it's truly about compensation, charge an hourly rate, but it sounds like it's more about you feeling overly burdened by weekly tasks. So go ahead and make the executive decision to outsource those things that you least like doing. Get your responsibilities to a place that you feel comfortable and not unreasonably overworked. Spend your mom's money to make this happen. I think this will go a long way to help you feel less resentful and taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is their risk that the freeloader sibling will sue at probate when he discovers that OP got paid by other sibling?

Especially if the money manager sibling agrees to it on the condition that he also get paid (and that's the higher value/cost work anyway so he really should) and then third sibling finds out the other two were drawing down the estate as fast as they could behind their back.

[Anonymous]

Take the high road and just focus on your relationship with your mom. It's a labor of love. No need to nickel and dime everything and send your sibling an invoice. That's petty and you have no recourse (especially since you don't "have" to do it albeit it's a loving gesture).

Your sister might be in denial. It could also be an out-of-sight/out-of mind type thing. Also a mix of her staying busy/staying in daily routine/time consuming extracurricular activity is her way of coping.
She wants to keep in her mind the memory of mom pre-Alzeihmer. She might also feel guilty and embarrassed she hasn't been involved thus far. And I'm betting she hates being told by you what she should do.

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry about saving your mother money. This is what it was being saved for. Pay for as much as you can. Your mother’s anger is part of the Alzheimer’s diagnosis - she needs to get into a routine now at the facility so that she is calmer as this disease progresses.

You also need a sibling meeting to discuss the plan going forward. Who does what, how they are compensated, etc. You’re understandably overwhelmed and angry, but you need a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the high road and just focus on your relationship with your mom. It's a labor of love. No need to nickel and dime everything and send your sibling an invoice. That's petty and you have no recourse (especially since you don't "have" to do it albeit it's a loving gesture).

Your sister might be in denial. It could also be an out-of-sight/out-of mind type thing. Also a mix of her staying busy/staying in daily routine/time consuming extracurricular activity is her way of coping.
She wants to keep in her mind the memory of mom pre-Alzeihmer. She might also feel guilty and embarrassed she hasn't been involved thus far. And I'm betting she hates being told by you what she should do.

It’s a ton of work and time and stress, so it’s not nickel and diming at all. I would never expect my sibling to shoulder everyone’s responsibility and take on all the stresses that come with it. It is not fair.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are doing more than you need to. She is in Assisted Living.

Some folks in Assisted Living have no one. Things get arranged, somehow.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say that you shouldn't get paid the amount you would get paid to do your job. It should be market for what it would cost someone else to do it.

At a minimum, outsource the laundry. Anyone can do that and it's one less thing for you to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sibling says no you have no recourse and it's too late to change the will since your mom has lost her mental capacity to do so.

Instead of plotting revenge/justice spend that energy on therapy and cultivating peace for yourself.

Ha. I have two teenage kids that also help out with my mom because she lives within a bike ride away. I don't have time for therapy with working full time, having a spouse I want to spend time with, and having two teenagers.

I don’t know about anything else you’ve posted but no time is just an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say that you shouldn't get paid the amount you would get paid to do your job. It should be market for what it would cost someone else to do it.

At a minimum, outsource the laundry. Anyone can do that and it's one less thing for you to do.

I'm a pp from last night that said my brother, that lives locally to my west coast dad, charges for the care he provides. I think I posted that he charges $25/hr for care and $35/hr for accounting/financial things (like paying bills.) I just read over his last email and it's actually $35/hr for care and $45/hr for the financial. He also gets the federal reimbursement rate for any mileage.

Each month he emails us (me, other brother, and my dad) an accounting of everything--any money my dad has received (social security, a pension, reimbursement for care my mom received before she died, etc.) as well as all money going out (the cost of his assisted living, payments to my brother, etc.) So my brother is paid for the time it takes him to create that email statement as well.

The payment to my brother comes out of my Dad's money--he is not paid by other brother and I.

Anyway, just thought I'd put that out there to maybe give OP an idea of rates.