Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

OP back with another update. After taking a two week break I realized how stressed and upset I was. I now only visit every other week to take her to dr appts. My siblings and relatives call me because my mom will turn off the ringer on her phone and not answer the phone for days. I now tell them that’s unfortunate but don’t comment more. I am no longer explaining I can’t drop everything and not go over.

I just go every other week to take her to medical appts then quick stop at store if she needs to buy things. It’s sad to see she has declined cognitively and she is now depressed since I stopped visiting so frequently. Some days she calls several times a day crying but I now often won’t answer the phone or quickly get off the phone. My siblings are concerned with her decline but I am just staying out if it. I just can’t be dragged down anymore. So many things need to be done like a POA, looking for a memory care place when she inevitably gets kicked out of assisted living, etc. but neither sibling is doing anything so I am putting my head in the sand too.

The thought of years more of dealing with this is so disheartening to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sibling says no you have no recourse and it's too late to change the will since your mom has lost her mental capacity to do so.

Instead of plotting revenge/justice spend that energy on therapy and cultivating peace for yourself.

This. Nothing you come up with is enforceable, OP. I think you need to focus on what you can control. Therapy and a caregiver support group might be helpful. I'm sorry, it is an extremely difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am glad you set limits and hope you enjoyed the beach.

I thought your sibling had a POA? If she has dementia will it even be valid?

Re: next steps, it is so dependent on where there is a bed at the time. Does the AL have a social worker? Typically they help re: that. Have they raised her decline and need to move to memory care?

It is very difficult, as are the realities of financial limits. Best to you!

[Anonymous]

OP, I went through a similar experience with my father who died a few years ago. I was local and shouldered much of the responsibility even though he lived in an AL facility. My brother was a few hours away, living his life and doing his own thing, and rarely visited.

In hindsight, I’m glad I did all that I did for my father because it was the right thing to do. It’s hard, but you need to get over what other family members aren’t doing and act as if they don’t even exist. Once I realized that help wasn’t coming, I was better off. I did what was needed without seeking anyone’s approval.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

If your mom has Alzheimer’s, how would she remember to call you?

[Anonymous]

If your mom has Alzheimer’s, how would she remember to call you?

You clearly don’t understand what dementia looks like, esp early to mid stages.and a lot of posters have no idea what assisted living will /won’t do esp for someone who is not the silver fox wine tasting golfer that they like to tout in their “come join out active vibrant community! posters”…

Example:.My mom called me a bunch today because she needs things including information for a COVID booster; she was essentially incapable of filling out medical history and asked me to come over to fill it out.. She didn’t even remember her birthday and confused her Medicare card with social security. But she still reads the nyt daily and can discuss religion in late antiquity.

This is also why assisted living isn’t the answer to everything. I’m in a very, very similar position to op (although we pay medication management at 1300/month—anything over 4 rx is considered level 2 management) . She has her basic needs met (meals housing medication apartment maintenance and people around) but I take her to all the doctors and handle all her finances including taxes and we also visit weekly or more with the grandkids.

It’s a lot just for the appointments.This months we have had hearing appt 2x; cardiology follow up; eye doctor; new glasses fitting; rheumatologist and neurology x2. She needs me to give medical history and understand what they are saying and follow up.

I also have a very demanding job, two kids in middle school and am basically working or driving or parenting or cleaning from 6 am to 10 pm every day. I estimate I drive about an additional 60 miles week in average for her and spend an average of 20-25 hrs/month at appts or dealing with medical bills etc. I do not charge but am really considering using some of my moms funds to pay for meal service like hello fresh and cleaners, services that could help with the insane time crunch.

My mom used to live across the country, a 2 hr drive from my only sibling, who is single with no kids and same stable work from home job for 25 years. Fir the past 5 years my mom was declining but he did not want to accept responsibility for my moms care and she suffered physically and mentally (and financially—she was scammed out of close to 200k before I moved her). He visited her every 3-4 months but didn’t do much—didn’t take her to doctors or look at her bills and bank statements (he was supposed to) or grasp that she was in cognitive decline. So I moved her close to me. To top it off he insisted on renting out my moms home (which I cleared out entirely from start to finish during a two week “vacation “) and he hasn’t been responsive at all in the renting process which has been hugely complicated. I also oversaw a fairly extensive renovation (to make it rent ready) from across country (from hiring to ordering all materials to design) and am now the point of contact for the property manager. I was a fool to agree to rent rather than sell as it’s just more responsibility on me (and probably less remunerative that selling would have been)…... My brother calls my mother about once a month. She calls me several times a day.

To op-i very very much get how you feel. All of it. And yes I know I sound like a whiny martyr but it’s an huge amount of stress, time and also emotional burden to be the sole person esp for someone with dementia; and to also know that things will just get worse there; I grieve and also have mixed feelings (my mom was never very nurturing to me, was actually mentally I’ll much if my life so I’ve always been a caretaker of sorts though I took off a good 20 years while she was remarried and stable.

I’m glad you are taking some load off your plate. . After I had several panic attacks earlier in the year (and canceled all my follow ups because I’ve used all sick leave and some funks) I made some changes. I see mom socially only once a week and don’t fall prey to guilt trips. I hired a woman who comes a couple hours in 2x/week and takes my mom to cvs or tidies her room or helps with laundry and shower etc. I pay 20/he.’This is in addition to assisted living fees because my mom can’t really deal with going in the shopping trips and they are not going to tidy her room and help her find stuff. It’s also just company which she likes. I got Instacart and Amazon prime and have things delivered as much as possible. Once we have more cash flow I might charge something to cover my gas and maybe the equivalent of a meal plan service or cleaners. I also had a few very specific tasks that sibling needed to do and he finally did them (but I basically read the riot act).

I get wanting to be paid but honestly I think it’s really more about feeling so under appreciated abd unseen. At my mom’s neurology appt my mom said something to the older male doc about how I had to take her to all her appointments even though I was so busy (this is a new realization for my mom) and the doctor said “that’s what daughters are for” and it made me angry. Like, not children but daughters. We are expected to do it , just like so many other hard, unpaid forms of labor. Anyway I digress…

I could be mad but I think at the end if the day it is what it is. My sibling cannot really fathom what I do—not as a caretaker but also not as a parent….he has never had responsibility for anyone or anything but himself and he’s on the spectrum so he doesn’t really get it.

[Anonymous]

OP I found that if there is money it is best to hire people to do the gruntwork you did so family sees how much it costs and you don't become resentful. Then you can visit and check on things and not be furious at what others don't do.

My aunt and uncle informed my mom years ago they were finally going to pay themselves for all they did at the advice of a therapist. My mother, lovely person that she is, felt they were being unethical and she made them feel like they were stealing instead of being grateful for all they do and glad that they would be compensated. I wish they had hired people. My grandmother was terrible to them too and she behaved better for strangers.

When I finally insisted we hire someone I heard endless complaining about how expensive it was. I just said "yes, you were fortunate I did that for free for so many years." Some people care more about an inheritance than they care ab out ethics and decency.