Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you work with the sibling over the finances to spend your mother’s money now? You get your time back. Your finance sibling does what they’ve always done. And there is less money to be split equally with the sibling you say does nothing, so hopefully there’s also less resentment.

This is the solution I was going to propose as well. I would hire more help to ease the burden on you. It sounds very hard, and I can understand why you're struggling.

[Anonymous]

Families are complicated. There is always more than OP is sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families are complicated. There is always more than OP is sharing.

x10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you work with the sibling over the finances to spend your mother’s money now? You get your time back. Your finance sibling does what they’ve always done. And there is less money to be split equally with the sibling you say does nothing, so hopefully there’s also less resentment.

This is the solution I was going to propose as well. I would hire more help to ease the burden on you. It sounds very hard, and I can understand why you're struggling.

This.

OP one little red flag I see is how angry your mommy gets if you propose someone else giving her meds. Has she always been so controlling or did it just get worse or is it new. Sure we can say it's fear or dementia or a difficult person. You know what else it is? Unreasonable. Some might say family do a better job. Family get burned out and can sometimes be far worse than a professional caregiver who doesn't have so many emotions invested and who just wants to do a competent job,

Maybe 7 years ago I was you posting on here incensed at how much I was doing and in my case, parent didn't appreciate it and sibling was a jerk. People kept telling me I chose this and could make change and it made me so angry. Finally I got over myself and we hired out a lot. There was major fallout. It was still well worth it. Mommy was mad and still is. Mommy doesn't get to dictate. Siblings were upset it meant less inheritance, but they were welcome to step up. Heck now I may be cut off from any inheritance, but you know I have? My sanity and health, both of which were in the trash at the time. I gave up caring what others thought and in fact one of mom's neighbors told me she was amazed at how much I did, so I guess someone noticed and cared. Oh and mom is still alive and angry and difficult as ever. It's a long marathon. Do you think anyone cared when it did in my health and I was in the hospital. Nope just my husband and kids, but the takers didn't care. This isn't about your sibling. This is about you and your limits and not letting mom's anger run the show.

[Anonymous]

Just posted, but one more thing. Nobody cares or acknowledges how much money I saved everyone. The cost for me was far worse and not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to get over how angry I am at one of my siblings who lives either a 7 hour drive or one hour plane ride away, but literally does nothing but an occasional phone call once a week or once every other week. Even when I told that sibling that our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in Feb./March and so should come visit and bring the two grandkids to visit before our mother no longer recognizes them, the sibling has no plans to visit and hasn't for four years because of an expensive activity that takes up all their time and money.

My other sibling lives farther and at least is in charge of all the financial stuff, comes to visit with his family, is very sympathetic and appreciative to all I do.

Even though our mother is in an assisted living place I have to leave work to take her to multiple Dr. appointments, I get called by the facility when issues arise, take her shopping, get her mail and organize it because she can no longer pay bills, and visit 4 times a week. It is only because I am on top of it that she doesn't need a higher level of care and doesn't get charged for things such as doing her laundry, medication management, etc. The thought of the selfish sibling getting an equal share of inheritance to me is just ridiculous. I am thinking of creating a spreadsheet and charging my hourly rate I make at work for all that I do. If the sibling who does nothing wants to be the one to charge money, mover her closer to where the sibling lives and do everything I do , I would be ecstatic.

Anyone have this type of arrangement?

OP, I understand how you got to where you are, and why you are so angry and frustrated. But you need to realize that you have agency just like your siblings, and if you lived far away or weren't stepping up, others would to some degree and they would muddle through (though your mother's care would certainly be negatively impacted). You need to own your choices a bit - the bolded, for example, is, objectively, completely optional.

You need to focus on your life and your choices and what is manageable and what is not for you, and then express that to your siblings. You can't just start charging them.

What you can do, is go to them and say something like:

"We need to check in on mom's care. I am getting overwhelmed, and the pace I've been keeping up is no longer sustainable for me. Something has to give - I'm missing work almost weekly because of doctors appointments and unexpected calls from mom's facility, and I'm there two days a week* to handling bills, shopping, and home care. I'm open to suggestions on how to handle this. From my perspective, it seems like we have a few options. We could spend more money to increase her level of support and care at the facility, we could pay to outsource some of these tasks to other people (like using a service for all her shopping), you guys could pitch in more, either remotely as much as possible or by visiting more, or I could potentially be open to continuing to handle a big chunk of this (though not all!) with some additional financial support from mom's estate (which would allow me to throw some money at my own personal issues/life and focus more attention on mom). Or we could do some combination of those things. But as it stands now, I can't keep this up. It's too much."

Who knows, maybe they'll jump at the chance to pay you and thus lose some guilt.

*You'll note that I said two visits a week when you said four. When talking to your siblings, you need to parse out the things that you are doing out of love and living your values that are essentially social, and the things you're doing that are impacting her care. If you could handle everything that needs to be handled and her care would not really be impacted if you only went two days a week, but you don't like her being lonely at this stage of life, so you visit more, that is your decision and is NOT something that it's fair to bring up with your siblings.

I would recommend, especially since your emotions are so high right now, putting this in an email. You don't want to throw something out in anger that you regret, you don't want your siblings to do that either, and this gives you a chance to really think about what you're saying and for your siblings to respond in kind.

Then, you need to be open and flexible in this conversation. If both your siblings, for example, agree that X is not necessary, it is optional, and not worth doing, and objectively, they're correct, but it's something you value and is important to you on a personal level, like number of visits or quality of care or something mom likes but isn't necessary (like going shopping rather than getting delivery), then that gets removed from the equation, and once you have all hit a balance on handling mom's necessary care, then you can always take on optional stuff at your own discretion.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds exceptionally difficult. I hope you can find a better balance during this difficult time.

I agree with all of this. OP, you can’t charge your sister for the caregiving choices you make, and the boundaries you decline to set. You are a wonderful daughter, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but it might benefit you to go over your caregiving schedule/tasks and see what you can do to create more balance in your life.

But if that just doesn’t feel possible, know that you are living by your values and doing what you feel is best for your mom. And at the end of the day, your sister is going to have to live with the choices she has made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much would something like laundry cost? What if you raised the question with the siblings, saying that laundry cost $x per month at the facility, but that you're willing to do it for $y (less than x!), then ask which they would prefer. It may be that it's worth it to them to pay someone else so that you don't play the martyr.

Medication management plus laundry is an extra $700 a month. I just feel badly my mother spending $8400 a year on that. I have been doing it for over a year so I have saved her $12,600. The sibling who is supportive is extremely angry at the one who hasn't visited in 4 years and has just said we should pay but when I proposed it to our mother, she became so angry. She was a nurse so the thought of somebody (besides me) giving her medication gets her extremely agitated.

Talk to the sympathetic sibling (who handles finances) about paying you that extra cost for your services. It's nice that it's already valued for you, so you don't have to make something up or argue about it with the other sibling. You are doing services that are worth $700 a month. I think this is a more than reasonable way for you to be compensated for your extra time and effort and care.

[Anonymous]

I know this will come across as somewhat heartless, but you should stop doing things you don't want to. Your burnout and lack of involvement from your other sibling aren't all that related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much would something like laundry cost? What if you raised the question with the siblings, saying that laundry cost $x per month at the facility, but that you're willing to do it for $y (less than x!), then ask which they would prefer. It may be that it's worth it to them to pay someone else so that you don't play the martyr.

Medication management plus laundry is an extra $700 a month. I just feel badly my mother spending $8400 a year on that. I have been doing it for over a year so I have saved her $12,600. The sibling who is supportive is extremely angry at the one who hasn't visited in 4 years and has just said we should pay but when I proposed it to our mother, she became so angry. She was a nurse so the thought of somebody (besides me) giving her medication gets her extremely agitated.

Talk to the sympathetic sibling (who handles finances) about paying you that extra cost for your services. It's nice that it's already valued for you, so you don't have to make something up or argue about it with the other sibling. You are doing services that are worth $700 a month. I think this is a more than reasonable way for you to be compensated for your extra time and effort and care.

+1 come to an agreement that you either get paid the $700 a month or the facility does. You are already doing enough so pick whichever option you prefer. Don't worry about what your mom thinks. It was a strategic mistake to discuss this with her. People with Alzheimers are already agitated. She will probably not even notice if the facility just starts doing these things for her and if she does she will get over it. One note of caution as we have btdt with the laundry service, label everything with a big sharpie inside and expect that laundry will get lost.

[Anonymous]

Insisting on being paid makes no sense. What is the situation? Who is the POA? Who did mom decide (with their agreement) to handle these things? Pay the facility to do the medication and other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this will come across as somewhat heartless, but you should stop doing things you don't want to. Your burnout and lack of involvement from your other sibling aren't all that related.

What if she wants to help her mom?! And that’s why she is doing it?!

This thread is making me feel like I am an alien because I care about my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this will come across as somewhat heartless, but you should stop doing things you don't want to. Your burnout and lack of involvement from your other sibling aren't all that related.

What if she wants to help her mom?! And that’s why she is doing it?!

This thread is making me feel like I am an alien because I care about my parents.

Then that's Op's choice. And OP's sibling doesn't have to make the same choice that OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this will come across as somewhat heartless, but you should stop doing things you don't want to. Your burnout and lack of involvement from your other sibling aren't all that related.

What if she wants to help her mom?! And that’s why she is doing it?!

This thread is making me feel like I am an alien because I care about my parents.

+1 This is unrelated to caring for one’s parents.

Then that's Op's choice. And OP's sibling doesn't have to make the same choice that OP does.

[Anonymous]

If you’re burnt out and angry you need to make a change. This could be a long care marathon. Being angry at a far off sibling is not going to change your life or make anything better for you. People on this thread have given you great suggestions for how to outsource some of this work and set more boundaries and work with your siblings.

[Anonymous]

You must bring up the financial issue as well as the itemized list of everything you do for your parent, and complain that one sibling does not do their fair share.

But don't muddy the waters and try to micromanage their relationship with their parent: visits, bringing kids, etc. This is their mistake to make, and nothing that you should care about compared to the unequal burden between siblings.

BUT.

Ultimately, you really have to accept that this sibling could twiddle their thumbs until your parent dies and STILL receive an equal share of the inheritance. They could be a felon in jail and STILL get their inheritance. They could try to defraud your parent of everything they have and STILL get their inheritance.

So... try to find a way of being OK with whatever happens next, for your own sanity.