Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

OP with an update. I went to my doctor for a yearly physical and we talked about stress. He said he has seen a lot of middle age women get burned out caring for parents. It’s starts out thinking it will be temporary and the next thing you know it’s five years later. You realize too late you are burned out and have missed out on spending a substantial amount of time with your spouse and kids. He said reconsider it.

Then a cousin called and told me my mom had complained to my uncle (her brother) that I treat her like a child and give her meds like she is incapable (which she is).

So I realized it wasn’t worth it getting paid or not. I went the next day and set up medication management and am now at the beach with my kids and husband. It’s been great not dealing with anything for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I went to my doctor for a yearly physical and we talked about stress. He said he has seen a lot of middle age women get burned out caring for parents. It’s starts out thinking it will be temporary and the next thing you know it’s five years later. You realize too late you are burned out and have missed out on spending a substantial amount of time with your spouse and kids. He said reconsider it.

Then a cousin called and told me my mom had complained to my uncle (her brother) that I treat her like a child and give her meds like she is incapable (which she is).

So I realized it wasn’t worth it getting paid or not. I went the next day and set up medication management and am now at the beach with my kids and husband. It’s been great not dealing with anything for a week.

OP thank you for the update and I am so glad to read that you are at the beach enjoying some R&R. Welcome to the club. "No good deed goes unpunished" took on a whole new meaning for me. I normally don't like when people tell others bad things said about them, but your cousin was right to do so and that was truly a gift. You needed to learn that she doesn't appreciate it. I found myself just completely exasperated and burned out when after years of helping with time I did not have my mother not only didn't appreciate it, but she complained to others and told me I was selfish when I started setting tiny boundaries. Your doctor is so wise. What he describes is exactly what happened to me and some of my friends. My kids really suffered and I missed some issues that could have/should have been caught much earlier with them. I was so filled with fury when i kept helping mom knowing she appreciated none of it and now that I have stepped back and there are professionals dealing with her I am no longer filled with rage and my health has improved. It took a friend of mine having 2 LIFE threatening medical emergencies before she put her mom in an assisted living with a memory care and moved away. She had actually moved her job to be near her mom and be there for her only to find out all those years mom complained about her to every relative and gradually began tantrumming at her.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the out of town sibling and their partner don’t want to be manipulated with guilt to visit and schlep their kids along? It doesn’t sound like you have any appreciation for what a big ask that is - and it sounds like you don’t have any concern for their priorities or needs, which may differ from yours. I guarantee they will not be close to you and your family when it’s all said and done if that’s how you continue. Ask me how I know. In-laws in assisted living and nonstop guilt trips from the martyr primary caregiver that focus on the important of schlepping the young grandkids - without showing any interest or concern that other people have their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Definitely no good deed goes unpunished. My mother is going to run out if money in a few years and eventually is going to end up in a memory care Medicaid nursing home. I was trying to make her money last so not sure why people were posting about an inheritance- there won’t be any money left.

It’s been a blessing in disguises because my mother was so angry at me because she blames me for setting up medication management. So she went from calling multiple times a day to not calling in the past 10 days. It’s been great. Found a last minute reservation at the beach and it has been fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the out of town sibling and their partner don’t want to be manipulated with guilt to visit and schlep their kids along? It doesn’t sound like you have any appreciation for what a big ask that is - and it sounds like you don’t have any concern for their priorities or needs, which may differ from yours. I guarantee they will not be close to you and your family when it’s all said and done if that’s how you continue. Ask me how I know. In-laws in assisted living and nonstop guilt trips from the martyr primary caregiver that focus on the important of schlepping the young grandkids - without showing any interest or concern that other people have their own lives.

Not ok but god you are a selfish jerk. If you are lucky enough to have a sibling handling elder care, you should be appreciative and nice.

OP, glad you signed up for med management. I think you should sign up for laundry management as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely no good deed goes unpunished. My mother is going to run out if money in a few years and eventually is going to end up in a memory care Medicaid nursing home. I was trying to make her money last so not sure why people were posting about an inheritance- there won’t be any money left.

It’s been a blessing in disguises because my mother was so angry at me because she blames me for setting up medication management. So she went from calling multiple times a day to not calling in the past 10 days. It’s been great. Found a last minute reservation at the beach and it has been fantastic.

Remember that your mom's anger is likely dementia talking. It's hard but try not to take it personally. ANyone who knows jack about elder care knows that the local caregiving sibling often bears the brunt of anger etc while the out of town sibling gets to be the golden child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sibling says no you have no recourse and it's too late to change the will since your mom has lost her mental capacity to do so.

Instead of plotting revenge/justice spend that energy on therapy and cultivating peace for yourself.

Ha. I have two teenage kids that also help out with my mom because she lives within a bike ride away. I don't have time for therapy with working full time, having a spouse I want to spend time with, and having two teenagers.

It sounds like you need to MAKE time. 30-60 mins a week, or even every other week. You can. You just don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being petty. You're angry she won't bring her children. This is not your relationship to manage. Your mom shouldn't be getting that much mail and you should be able to set up autopay for most of her bills. You can probably make things easier for yourself. You seem to be in martyr territory.

Do nothing sibling, I see

Martyr, I see.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the high road and just focus on your relationship with your mom. It's a labor of love. No need to nickel and dime everything and send your sibling an invoice. That's petty and you have no recourse (especially since you don't "have" to do it albeit it's a loving gesture).

Your sister might be in denial. It could also be an out-of-sight/out-of mind type thing. Also a mix of her staying busy/staying in daily routine/time consuming extracurricular activity is her way of coping.
She wants to keep in her mind the memory of mom pre-Alzeihmer. She might also feel guilty and embarrassed she hasn't been involved thus far. And I'm betting she hates being told by you what she should do.

It’s a ton of work and time and stress, so it’s not nickel and diming at all. I would never expect my sibling to shoulder everyone’s responsibility and take on all the stresses that come with it. It is not fair.

Are you 12? Life is not “fair.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I went to my doctor for a yearly physical and we talked about stress. He said he has seen a lot of middle age women get burned out caring for parents. It’s starts out thinking it will be temporary and the next thing you know it’s five years later. You realize too late you are burned out and have missed out on spending a substantial amount of time with your spouse and kids. He said reconsider it.

Then a cousin called and told me my mom had complained to my uncle (her brother) that I treat her like a child and give her meds like she is incapable (which she is).

So I realized it wasn’t worth it getting paid or not. I went the next day and set up medication management and am now at the beach with my kids and husband. It’s been great not dealing with anything for a week.

I’m happy for you but I hope you also see your sibling was doing what you should have been doing all along and actually you were being a martyr for no real reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you work with the sibling over the finances to spend your mother’s money now? You get your time back. Your finance sibling does what they’ve always done. And there is less money to be split equally with the sibling you say does nothing, so hopefully there’s also less resentment.

This is the solution I was going to propose as well. I would hire more help to ease the burden on you. It sounds very hard, and I can understand why you're struggling.

This.

OP one little red flag I see is how angry your mommy gets if you propose someone else giving her meds. Has she always been so controlling or did it just get worse or is it new. Sure we can say it's fear or dementia or a difficult person. You know what else it is? Unreasonable. Some might say family do a better job. Family get burned out and can sometimes be far worse than a professional caregiver who doesn't have so many emotions invested and who just wants to do a competent job,

Maybe 7 years ago I was you posting on here incensed at how much I was doing and in my case, parent didn't appreciate it and sibling was a jerk. People kept telling me I chose this and could make change and it made me so angry. Finally I got over myself and we hired out a lot. There was major fallout. It was still well worth it. Mommy was mad and still is. Mommy doesn't get to dictate. Siblings were upset it meant less inheritance, but they were welcome to step up. Heck now I may be cut off from any inheritance, but you know I have? My sanity and health, both of which were in the trash at the time. I gave up caring what others thought and in fact one of mom's neighbors told me she was amazed at how much I did, so I guess someone noticed and cared. Oh and mom is still alive and angry and difficult as ever. It's a long marathon. Do you think anyone cared when it did in my health and I was in the hospital. Nope just my husband and kids, but the takers didn't care. This isn't about your sibling. This is about you and your limits and not letting mom's anger run the show.

The amazing thing is that the mother was a nurse. So she gave meds to thousands of vulnerable people, but that’s not good enough for her? No. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am happy for you. Take that vacation! Pay others do to med management and laundry! There will still be *plenty* of stuff for you to do even if you offload a lot of the work to paid staff.

Your mother may be angry but she may be thinking that this will be a way of getting you to do things for her, and if it doesn’t work she may give up on this strategy of recrimination eventually. Or not. It could be an unchangeable lifelong pattern of behavior, or the dementia. It doesn’t matter because you are at the beach!

[Anonymous]

Whenever I read DCUM posts about how wrong it is to have an only child, I think of posts like this that provide a counterbalance. Or I think of my own experience.

My parent moved in with us. My siblings, well… I wont go down that path.

It never occurred to me to charge an hourly fee so I can’t speak to that. I will encourage you to do everything you can to take care of your own physical and mental health.

Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the out of town sibling and their partner don’t want to be manipulated with guilt to visit and schlep their kids along? It doesn’t sound like you have any appreciation for what a big ask that is - and it sounds like you don’t have any concern for their priorities or needs, which may differ from yours. I guarantee they will not be close to you and your family when it’s all said and done if that’s how you continue. Ask me how I know. In-laws in assisted living and nonstop guilt trips from the martyr primary caregiver that focus on the important of schlepping the young grandkids - without showing any interest or concern that other people have their own lives.

A big ask to take a direct one hour plane ride ONCE in the past 4-5 years? Knowing a parent is going from mild cognitive impairment to dementia. Wouldn’t you want your child to meet their grandmother once in person before it’s to late? It’s selfish to make one sibling do all the work while you get to ignore everything out of town.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you. Outsourcing everything requires huge amounts of assets. If there aren't enough assets, family members do have to pitch in. It's also sad to know that if you weren't visiting your mom wouldn't have any visitors at all, maybe just one a year, because she sounds like she was a good mom for you to take care of her this way. Also that you are doing everything you can to prevent draining her assets so she doesn't end up in a Medicaid home. It can make you feel really alone on top of the grief at seeing your mom this way.

Just wondering if you can start with a standing Zoom call weekly or monthly to discuss the dwindling assets and higher care needs with your siblings. They should help pay for a geriatric care manager. The nicer places have a doctor, nurses, visiting specialists, etc. The geriatric care manager can screen against what your mom needs and find a place that can do most of it in house. The goal should be to figure out where your mom is and how to prepare for where she will be cognitively and physically in 6 months to a year.