Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

I am trying to get over how angry I am at one of my siblings who lives either a 7 hour drive or one hour plane ride away, but literally does nothing but an occasional phone call once a week or once every other week. Even when I told that sibling that our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in Feb./March and so should come visit and bring the two grandkids to visit before our mother no longer recognizes them, the sibling has no plans to visit and hasn't for four years because of an expensive activity that takes up all their time and money.

My other sibling lives farther and at least is in charge of all the financial stuff, comes to visit with his family, is very sympathetic and appreciative to all I do.

Even though our mother is in an assisted living place I have to leave work to take her to multiple Dr. appointments, I get called by the facility when issues arise, take her shopping, get her mail and organize it because she can no longer pay bills, and visit 4 times a week. It is only because I am on top of it that she doesn't need a higher level of care and doesn't get charged for things such as doing her laundry, medication management, etc. The thought of the selfish sibling getting an equal share of inheritance to me is just ridiculous. I am thinking of creating a spreadsheet and charging my hourly rate I make at work for all that I do. If the sibling who does nothing wants to be the one to charge money, mover her closer to where the sibling lives and do everything I do , I would be ecstatic.

Anyone have this type of arrangement?

[Anonymous]

If your sibling says no you have no recourse and it's too late to change the will since your mom has lost her mental capacity to do so.

Instead of plotting revenge/justice spend that energy on therapy and cultivating peace for yourself.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thought of the selfish sibling getting an equal share of inheritance to me is just ridiculous. I am thinking of creating a spreadsheet and charging my hourly rate I make at work for all that I do. If the sibling who does nothing wants to be the one to charge money, mover her closer to where the sibling lives and do everything I do , I would be ecstatic.

Anyone have this type of arrangement?

It sounds like you have an intriguing proposition for your sibling. You are willing to give up your share of the inheritance to not have to help your mom again.

Maybe the entire inheritance would be better spent hiring a caretaker/personal assistant.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you work with the sibling over the finances to spend your mother’s money now? You get your time back. Your finance sibling does what they’ve always done. And there is less money to be split equally with the sibling you say does nothing, so hopefully there’s also less resentment.

[Anonymous]

How much would something like laundry cost? What if you raised the question with the siblings, saying that laundry cost $x per month at the facility, but that you're willing to do it for $y (less than x!), then ask which they would prefer. It may be that it's worth it to them to pay someone else so that you don't play the martyr.

[Anonymous]

You are being petty. You're angry she won't bring her children. This is not your relationship to manage. Your mom shouldn't be getting that much mail and you should be able to set up autopay for most of her bills. You can probably make things easier for yourself. You seem to be in martyr territory.

[Anonymous]

100% you should charge money for what you’re doing.

My dad was one of six kids. 4 brothers married with kids, who all moved away from home. 2 sisters, neither married no kids, who stayed close to their mother. Once Grandma got dementia and required care, the 2 sisters took on all the work and the 4 brothers all contributed money. In their case Grandma didn’t have $ for nursing home so the brothers paid that and the sisters did not pay since they were contributing their time. It worked very well, no resentment and was the obvious practical arrangement. And honestly the two sisters worked HARD and the brothers were lucky to be able to just pay their way out of it. So, while your situation is slightly different you’re entitled to some kind of compensation for your work, imo.

You might want to get a quote from an assistant who can help with your mom for X hours a week. Tell your siblings it’s too much work for you and you want to either split the cost or they can pay you $X instead.

[Anonymous]

My family has a somewhat similar situation.

My father lives on the west coast (my mother died several months ago.) One brother lives out there near him, I live in the DC area, and our other brother lives in the middle.
The local brother does a lot of the things that you describe doing (doctors appointments, taking care of issues with assisted living, etc.) He is also the one with POA for medical issues and all financials.

Literally for a few years now, other brother and I have been telling local brother that he should pay himself for the hours of work he puts in to my parents care. He finally just started a few months ago. He pays himself $25/hr. for any care related stuff, and $35/hr for any accounting/financial related stuff he does.
He chose the amount.

Your sibling does not need to justify to you why he/she does not come visit. It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has a somewhat similar situation.

My father lives on the west coast (my mother died several months ago.) One brother lives out there near him, I live in the DC area, and our other brother lives in the middle.
The local brother does a lot of the things that you describe doing (doctors appointments, taking care of issues with assisted living, etc.) He is also the one with POA for medical issues and all financials.

Literally for a few years now, other brother and I have been telling local brother that he should pay himself for the hours of work he puts in to my parents care. He finally just started a few months ago. He pays himself $25/hr. for any care related stuff, and $35/hr for any accounting/financial related stuff he does.
He chose the amount.

Your sibling does not need to justify to you why he/she does not come visit. It's none of your business.

That’s a great solution if everything is set up to allow it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

It seems really easy to say that and perhaps that is what my distance sibling thinks but it ends up being time intensive. This week:
Monday deal with pharmacy to renew medication, pick up medication and sort it into weekly pill container, pick up snacks my mom requested then drop them off (total time 2 hours from leaving my house to getting back to my house).
Wed- Visit (90 minutes door to door)
Thursday- leave work an hour early to take my mother to audiologist for hearing aid issue (2 hours leaving work, picking her up, taking her to appointment, waiting, taking her back home).
Today- (mother called crying saying she wasn't feeling well and was nauseous and weak (2 hours going and getting her applesauce, figuring out what medication she could take, visiting, etc).

I am not counting the all the phone calls I received from her or the phone calls I made to her. So at least 7 1/2 hours of my time this week.

[Anonymous]

My aunt lived closest to my grandmother and did this sort of thing. She charged like $20 an hour similar to PP's story above. It's totally unreasonable for you to charge your professional hourly rate from work to do laundry.

Just keep in mind that this because this is your future inheritance, does not make it your money. My grandmother was lucid and she agreed to this arrangement. If your mother is no longer in control of the finances, this decision has to be made by the person who does. If that's not you, you can't just start "charging."

But yes, it's not a bad idea for you to tally up reasonable costs for what you are doing and ask your mother and, if necessary, siblings, if they agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sibling says no you have no recourse and it's too late to change the will since your mom has lost her mental capacity to do so.

Instead of plotting revenge/justice spend that energy on therapy and cultivating peace for yourself.

Ha. I have two teenage kids that also help out with my mom because she lives within a bike ride away. I don't have time for therapy with working full time, having a spouse I want to spend time with, and having two teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

It seems really easy to say that and perhaps that is what my distance sibling thinks but it ends up being time intensive. This week:
Monday deal with pharmacy to renew medication, pick up medication and sort it into weekly pill container, pick up snacks my mom requested then drop them off (total time 2 hours from leaving my house to getting back to my house).
Wed- Visit (90 minutes door to door)
Thursday- leave work an hour early to take my mother to audiologist for hearing aid issue (2 hours leaving work, picking her up, taking her to appointment, waiting, taking her back home).
Today- (mother called crying saying she wasn't feeling well and was nauseous and weak (2 hours going and getting her applesauce, figuring out what medication she could take, visiting, etc).

I am not counting the all the phone calls I received from her or the phone calls I made to her. So at least 7 1/2 hours of my time this week.

I had similar issues. We now have assisted living handling all the medications. That alone saves hours. Before the medications showed up whenever (which meant constantly going back to get an med because they did not all arrive at the same time) and I needed to get a background check to access the pharmacy on base.

In the DC area, I found an organization that will take seniors to medical appointments.

We have done psychiatric and sleep doctor visits through zoom so that saved hours of driving.

I’d skip the Wednesday visit and combine that with one of the other times.

I visit about once a week and call more frequently.

I send needed items by Amazon and set subscriptions up for frequently needed items like toilet paper.

If I do not take care of my own body, I will become very sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much would something like laundry cost? What if you raised the question with the siblings, saying that laundry cost $x per month at the facility, but that you're willing to do it for $y (less than x!), then ask which they would prefer. It may be that it's worth it to them to pay someone else so that you don't play the martyr.

Medication management plus laundry is an extra $700 a month. I just feel badly my mother spending $8400 a year on that. I have been doing it for over a year so I have saved her $12,600. The sibling who is supportive is extremely angry at the one who hasn't visited in 4 years and has just said we should pay but when I proposed it to our mother, she became so angry. She was a nurse so the thought of somebody (besides me) giving her medication gets her extremely agitated.