Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

I get it OP and I have real moments of anger as well. I have one sibling who lived 2 hours away from my mom in california, but it was clear he was not going to do much. Let me also say that he has no spouse (divorced), kids, or pets, and has had the same job for 20 plus years. He doesn't have a lot of demands and has no travel and can work from home 3 days week. I have 2 kids at home (middle schools both), new and demanding job with travel, spouse who travels 1x/week.

I moved my mother to assisted living on the east coast. I naively thought that the place that supposedly offers rides to doctors appts and shopping and activities would mean i could just have a nice dinner 1-2x/week and the rest would be taken care of. Nope. My mom can't deal with doctors on her own (cognitive decline) and every week its something (plus she's a complete hypochondriac); she wont go shopping with the group; I have to physically go to the facility to make sure that they are actually up to date on her meds because the nurses never call back (and its 1375/month for medicatio management!); plus all the technology needs (can't remember how to use her compter, the tv, etc). She needs a pacemaker soon and I am the one to deal with the hospital again (she was hospitalized a while ago). I would say that since the start of the year she has seen her primary 3x; cardiologist; opthamologist 2x; dermatologist 1x, rheumatologst 2x, and gastroenterologist 2x, plus 2 urgent care, and 1 ER visit tht turned until a 5 day stay. Each one of these appointments not only takes time but also so much calling around and follow up. I was on hold once for 34 minutes to make the gastro appointment . Oh, I also do all her finances--including dealing with taxes, mortgage, and managing her home from afar.

I also handled the entire move. flew out, packed up the house, organized things to be shipped to assisted living and furnished her place. Brother's only responsibility was to mail 6 boxes that I didn't send by fed ex. He managed to not keep the usps receipt and they never arrived.

Also, he insisted that we should rent out my mom's house but it needed renovations. I hired the contractor and oversaw the renovations from afar when it became clear that my brother would take 4 days to answer a text or phone call. The property manager I hired only contacts me now since brother is so unresponsive. And we are having issues renting it out and Im pissed at him.

I would like to be compensated for my time i suppose, but I'm worried about my mom's funds. she's already at 8k/month and she will probably need memory care in a few years. I'm mostly angry that the entire burden is on me and that one sibling calls about 2x/month. I made him come out here so my family could go on vacation and she sung his praises to me--that he visited her every day! (for 6 days, yes, he visited her, he also forgot to take her to one of her appointments).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP and I have real moments of anger as well. I have one sibling who lived 2 hours away from my mom in california, but it was clear he was not going to do much. Let me also say that he has no spouse (divorced), kids, or pets, and has had the same job for 20 plus years. He doesn't have a lot of demands and has no travel and can work from home 3 days week. I have 2 kids at home (middle schools both), new and demanding job with travel, spouse who travels 1x/week.

I moved my mother to assisted living on the east coast. I naively thought that the place that supposedly offers rides to doctors appts and shopping and activities would mean i could just have a nice dinner 1-2x/week and the rest would be taken care of. Nope. My mom can't deal with doctors on her own (cognitive decline) and every week its something (plus she's a complete hypochondriac); she wont go shopping with the group; I have to physically go to the facility to make sure that they are actually up to date on her meds because the nurses never call back (and its 1375/month for medicatio management!); plus all the technology needs (can't remember how to use her compter, the tv, etc). She needs a pacemaker soon and I am the one to deal with the hospital again (she was hospitalized a while ago). I would say that since the start of the year she has seen her primary 3x; cardiologist; opthamologist 2x; dermatologist 1x, rheumatologst 2x, and gastroenterologist 2x, plus 2 urgent care, and 1 ER visit tht turned until a 5 day stay. Each one of these appointments not only takes time but also so much calling around and follow up. I was on hold once for 34 minutes to make the gastro appointment . Oh, I also do all her finances--including dealing with taxes, mortgage, and managing her home from afar.

I also handled the entire move. flew out, packed up the house, organized things to be shipped to assisted living and furnished her place. Brother's only responsibility was to mail 6 boxes that I didn't send by fed ex. He managed to not keep the usps receipt and they never arrived.

Also, he insisted that we should rent out my mom's house but it needed renovations. I hired the contractor and oversaw the renovations from afar when it became clear that my brother would take 4 days to answer a text or phone call. The property manager I hired only contacts me now since brother is so unresponsive. And we are having issues renting it out and Im pissed at him.

I would like to be compensated for my time i suppose, but I'm worried about my mom's funds. she's already at 8k/month and she will probably need memory care in a few years. I'm mostly angry that the entire burden is on me and that one sibling calls about 2x/month. I made him come out here so my family could go on vacation and she sung his praises to me--that he visited her every day! (for 6 days, yes, he visited her, he also forgot to take her to one of her appointments).

OP here - thank you for understanding! You totally get what I am going through. Sorry it is happening to you too. My mom is in the same situation, she doesn’t have unlimited funds so I try and save her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP and I have real moments of anger as well. I have one sibling who lived 2 hours away from my mom in california, but it was clear he was not going to do much. Let me also say that he has no spouse (divorced), kids, or pets, and has had the same job for 20 plus years. He doesn't have a lot of demands and has no travel and can work from home 3 days week. I have 2 kids at home (middle schools both), new and demanding job with travel, spouse who travels 1x/week.

I moved my mother to assisted living on the east coast. I naively thought that the place that supposedly offers rides to doctors appts and shopping and activities would mean i could just have a nice dinner 1-2x/week and the rest would be taken care of. Nope. My mom can't deal with doctors on her own (cognitive decline) and every week its something (plus she's a complete hypochondriac); she wont go shopping with the group; I have to physically go to the facility to make sure that they are actually up to date on her meds because the nurses never call back (and its 1375/month for medicatio management!); plus all the technology needs (can't remember how to use her compter, the tv, etc). She needs a pacemaker soon and I am the one to deal with the hospital again (she was hospitalized a while ago). I would say that since the start of the year she has seen her primary 3x; cardiologist; opthamologist 2x; dermatologist 1x, rheumatologst 2x, and gastroenterologist 2x, plus 2 urgent care, and 1 ER visit tht turned until a 5 day stay. Each one of these appointments not only takes time but also so much calling around and follow up. I was on hold once for 34 minutes to make the gastro appointment . Oh, I also do all her finances--including dealing with taxes, mortgage, and managing her home from afar.

I also handled the entire move. flew out, packed up the house, organized things to be shipped to assisted living and furnished her place. Brother's only responsibility was to mail 6 boxes that I didn't send by fed ex. He managed to not keep the usps receipt and they never arrived.

Also, he insisted that we should rent out my mom's house but it needed renovations. I hired the contractor and oversaw the renovations from afar when it became clear that my brother would take 4 days to answer a text or phone call. The property manager I hired only contacts me now since brother is so unresponsive. And we are having issues renting it out and Im pissed at him.

I would like to be compensated for my time i suppose, but I'm worried about my mom's funds. she's already at 8k/month and she will probably need memory care in a few years. I'm mostly angry that the entire burden is on me and that one sibling calls about 2x/month. I made him come out here so my family could go on vacation and she sung his praises to me--that he visited her every day! (for 6 days, yes, he visited her, he also forgot to take her to one of her appointments).

You certainly have a lot on your plate.

I don't mean to sound insensitive but should a person heading into cognitive decline be getting a pacemaker?

[Anonymous]

Mom's doctor can prescribe this

https://www.whitecrosspharmacy.com/pages/MedPack-How-It-Works.cfm

We get our medications presorted in the little pill packs on a roll from our local pharmacy on the eastern shore.

This really simplifies the meds and Mom would qualify for this.

Outsource the med management. Outsource the laundry. Stop visiting on Wednesdays. Cut back on your visits.

Take care of yourself first.

Third sibling is not going to change. Let go of your anger and outsource everything Mom can afford.
If you have to hire a care agency to have someone come in with Mom so many hours a day do it.

[Anonymous]

Responding to 12:38,

I also don't want to be insensitive but if Mom is unable to use a tv controller I would also question pacemaker surgery. Anesthesia can fast track mental decline in seniors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thought of the selfish sibling getting an equal share of inheritance to me is just ridiculous. I am thinking of creating a spreadsheet and charging my hourly rate I make at work for all that I do. If the sibling who does nothing wants to be the one to charge money, mover her closer to where the sibling lives and do everything I do , I would be ecstatic.

Anyone have this type of arrangement?

It sounds like you have an intriguing proposition for your sibling. You are willing to give up your share of the inheritance to not have to help your mom again.

Maybe the entire inheritance would be better spent hiring a caretaker/personal assistant.

This^. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Responding to 12:38,

I also don't want to be insensitive but if Mom is unable to use a tv controller I would also question pacemaker surgery. Anesthesia can fast track mental decline in seniors.

This. It's a shame more of our elders weren't able to have open conversations about what they truly wanted-what was not in the legal documents. Healthy people have trouble with anesthesia sometimes. It is such a huge risk to put someone who already has cognitive decline under anesthesia that really should be done if if was their wish when cognitively OP. The sad thing is while cognitively OK most don't understand what this road is because they never experienced it with their own parents. My own parents buried their heads in the sand and figured the siblings were being dramatic when they described the nightmare. So my parents wanted everything done to stay alive, yet when unable to speak one of my parents tried so hard to communicate it was over and stop the measures-pulling every wire off and protesting when anyone corrected it.

Medical ethics needs to revisit this all and examine how humane or inhumane it is to keep doing certain procedures for those with severe cognitive decline and other areas of decline.

[Anonymous]

Responding to 12:38,

I also don't want to be insensitive but if Mom is unable to use a tv controller I would also question pacemaker surgery. Anesthesia can fast track mental decline in seniors

Thank you! I’m the Pp with mom who needs a pacemaker. I’ve wanted to find out more about this and am seeing the heart specialist again soon. My mom doesn’t have severe decline; short term memory, some difficulty finding words; total inability to use technology she previously used (well she can turn tv on/off but streaming is beyond her) but is still independently dressing, eating, socially appropriate speech. However I am worried about general anesthesia causing significant decline but from a brief conversation last time I think it can be done under local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insisting on being paid makes no sense. What is the situation? Who is the POA? Who did mom decide (with their agreement) to handle these things? Pay the facility to do the medication and other things.

It sounds like there is an element of consistency and trust by having OP do the laundry and medications and other small things. It makes sense to me to pay OP the cost that otherwise would have gone to the facility. Then the work gets done, OP's mom is happy (or at least less agitated), OP is compensated for her time and for going above and beyond.

Otherwise yes, I think it's wise to spend down her estate on her care. You can't get blood from a stone, so just take your siblings out of the equation. The most equal way for you all to provide care for her is to spend the estate down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

Have you had a loved one with dementia in assisted living? The staff are over worked and underpaid. My grandmother was losing weight because they were not patient enough to feed her. My aunt went nearly every day at lunch and my father went at dinner time to spoon feed her like a baby the last 6 months of her life.

They are overworked. How disgusting of you to LIE and criticize them! Where were YOU?

I wonder about the system where we spoon feed people for 6 months when they have end stage dementia and no chance of recovery. It's not what I'd want for myself. My mother was in palliative care with end stage cancer and delirium for four months, and was kept alive for that time by staff who did spoon feed her, but I question whether it was worth it for anyone.

+1 I’m glad I’m not the only one who instantly thought this. What’s the end game here? Congrats on buying someone with end stage dementia a few extra months.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree - there's needs to be a lot more focus on quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

It seems really easy to say that and perhaps that is what my distance sibling thinks but it ends up being time intensive. This week:
Monday deal with pharmacy to renew medication, pick up medication and sort it into weekly pill container, pick up snacks my mom requested then drop them off (total time 2 hours from leaving my house to getting back to my house).
Wed- Visit (90 minutes door to door)
Thursday- leave work an hour early to take my mother to audiologist for hearing aid issue (2 hours leaving work, picking her up, taking her to appointment, waiting, taking her back home).
Today- (mother called crying saying she wasn't feeling well and was nauseous and weak (2 hours going and getting her applesauce, figuring out what medication she could take, visiting, etc).

I am not counting the all the phone calls I received from her or the phone calls I made to her. So at least 7 1/2 hours of my time this week.

It sounds like you love your mom and you are a good daughter. I think a therapist could help you work through some of the issues you have with your siblings and your unwillingness to spend your mom's money. Let assisted living manage her medicine. If she wants special snacks have them shipped via amazon or instacart. If you don't want to visit or take your mom to doctor's appointments hire a caretaker to do these things.

Let’s be real. OP wants as much of the inheritance as possible, which she made clear in the OP. That’s the real reason she’s not outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP and I have real moments of anger as well. I have one sibling who lived 2 hours away from my mom in california, but it was clear he was not going to do much. Let me also say that he has no spouse (divorced), kids, or pets, and has had the same job for 20 plus years. He doesn't have a lot of demands and has no travel and can work from home 3 days week. I have 2 kids at home (middle schools both), new and demanding job with travel, spouse who travels 1x/week.

I moved my mother to assisted living on the east coast. I naively thought that the place that supposedly offers rides to doctors appts and shopping and activities would mean i could just have a nice dinner 1-2x/week and the rest would be taken care of. Nope. My mom can't deal with doctors on her own (cognitive decline) and every week its something (plus she's a complete hypochondriac); she wont go shopping with the group; I have to physically go to the facility to make sure that they are actually up to date on her meds because the nurses never call back (and its 1375/month for medicatio management!); plus all the technology needs (can't remember how to use her compter, the tv, etc). She needs a pacemaker soon and I am the one to deal with the hospital again (she was hospitalized a while ago). I would say that since the start of the year she has seen her primary 3x; cardiologist; opthamologist 2x; dermatologist 1x, rheumatologst 2x, and gastroenterologist 2x, plus 2 urgent care, and 1 ER visit tht turned until a 5 day stay. Each one of these appointments not only takes time but also so much calling around and follow up. I was on hold once for 34 minutes to make the gastro appointment . Oh, I also do all her finances--including dealing with taxes, mortgage, and managing her home from afar.

I also handled the entire move. flew out, packed up the house, organized things to be shipped to assisted living and furnished her place. Brother's only responsibility was to mail 6 boxes that I didn't send by fed ex. He managed to not keep the usps receipt and they never arrived.

Also, he insisted that we should rent out my mom's house but it needed renovations. I hired the contractor and oversaw the renovations from afar when it became clear that my brother would take 4 days to answer a text or phone call. The property manager I hired only contacts me now since brother is so unresponsive. And we are having issues renting it out and Im pissed at him.

I would like to be compensated for my time i suppose, but I'm worried about my mom's funds. she's already at 8k/month and she will probably need memory care in a few years. I'm mostly angry that the entire burden is on me and that one sibling calls about 2x/month. I made him come out here so my family could go on vacation and she sung his praises to me--that he visited her every day! (for 6 days, yes, he visited her, he also forgot to take her to one of her appointments).

Your mom needs a nursing home/memory care, not assisted living. It sounds like a lot of folks here insist on assisted living but that's not what is needed.

Sell the house. That's absurd to rent it out if he will not manage it. She's never moving back and you don't want the house so its time to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

It seems really easy to say that and perhaps that is what my distance sibling thinks but it ends up being time intensive. This week:
Monday deal with pharmacy to renew medication, pick up medication and sort it into weekly pill container, pick up snacks my mom requested then drop them off (total time 2 hours from leaving my house to getting back to my house).
Wed- Visit (90 minutes door to door)
Thursday- leave work an hour early to take my mother to audiologist for hearing aid issue (2 hours leaving work, picking her up, taking her to appointment, waiting, taking her back home).
Today- (mother called crying saying she wasn't feeling well and was nauseous and weak (2 hours going and getting her applesauce, figuring out what medication she could take, visiting, etc).

I am not counting the all the phone calls I received from her or the phone calls I made to her. So at least 7 1/2 hours of my time this week.

It sounds like you love your mom and you are a good daughter. I think a therapist could help you work through some of the issues you have with your siblings and your unwillingness to spend your mom's money. Let assisted living manage her medicine. If she wants special snacks have them shipped via amazon or instacart. If you don't want to visit or take your mom to doctor's appointments hire a caretaker to do these things.

Let’s be real. OP wants as much of the inheritance as possible, which she made clear in the OP. That’s the real reason she’s not outsourcing.

If so, she is only earning a third of the savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

It seems really easy to say that and perhaps that is what my distance sibling thinks but it ends up being time intensive. This week:
Monday deal with pharmacy to renew medication, pick up medication and sort it into weekly pill container, pick up snacks my mom requested then drop them off (total time 2 hours from leaving my house to getting back to my house).
Wed- Visit (90 minutes door to door)
Thursday- leave work an hour early to take my mother to audiologist for hearing aid issue (2 hours leaving work, picking her up, taking her to appointment, waiting, taking her back home).
Today- (mother called crying saying she wasn't feeling well and was nauseous and weak (2 hours going and getting her applesauce, figuring out what medication she could take, visiting, etc).

I am not counting the all the phone calls I received from her or the phone calls I made to her. So at least 7 1/2 hours of my time this week.

It sounds like you love your mom and you are a good daughter. I think a therapist could help you work through some of the issues you have with your siblings and your unwillingness to spend your mom's money. Let assisted living manage her medicine. If she wants special snacks have them shipped via amazon or instacart. If you don't want to visit or take your mom to doctor's appointments hire a caretaker to do these things.

Let’s be real. OP wants as much of the inheritance as possible, which she made clear in the OP. That’s the real reason she’s not outsourcing.

If so, she is only earning a third of the savings.

Yep. And she hates that, in order to save herself money, her supposedly do-nothing siblings will benefit from her labor. She doesn’t think they should and she wants to preserve the money. That’s why she thinks she should get the lion’s share of the inheritance.

I’d so love to hear the other siblings side of this story.