Charging a parent for care when one sibling does nothing

[Anonymous]

What is the expensive activity that takes all their time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the expensive activity that takes all their time?

Equestrian- owning several horses and competing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much would something like laundry cost? What if you raised the question with the siblings, saying that laundry cost $x per month at the facility, but that you're willing to do it for $y (less than x!), then ask which they would prefer. It may be that it's worth it to them to pay someone else so that you don't play the martyr.

Medication management plus laundry is an extra $700 a month. I just feel badly my mother spending $8400 a year on that. I have been doing it for over a year so I have saved her $12,600. The sibling who is supportive is extremely angry at the one who hasn't visited in 4 years and has just said we should pay but when I proposed it to our mother, she became so angry. She was a nurse so the thought of somebody (besides me) giving her medication gets her extremely agitated.

These are your mother’s choices. You’re enabling her. Dependent adults don’t run the show.

If you want to enable your mom, your sibling is clearly letting you. But they won’t be involved it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being petty. You're angry she won't bring her children. This is not your relationship to manage. Your mom shouldn't be getting that much mail and you should be able to set up autopay for most of her bills. You can probably make things easier for yourself. You seem to be in martyr territory.

x100000

[Anonymous]

just pay for as much as you can

you doing medication management seems untenable. Doesn't she take meds once or twice a day? Are you saying you go over there every day and give her meds? Tht just isnt fair to you

[Anonymous]

Mu aunt did this and had every right to do it, My mother was livid.

I would present 3 choices to the sister unable to help. a) pay you to do the work b) hire someone and pay that person c) your sister does more.

If she chooses paying you though, the martyrdom ends. You do the job and take your pay and if you don't get to be resentful. If you hate it, you hire someone. No more obsessing and being angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

This. Stop being a caregiver and be a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anything you could be paid for will be taxable income and an inheritance will not be taxable. Keep that in mind.

It does sound as though you are taking on a lot of unnecessary extra jobs- maybe to feel better about yourself, maybe you do like the martyr role at least a little bit. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.

Also, I spent hours on the phone with my mom in the years before she died. I lived far away and had young children, so talking to her was what I could do. We enjoyed talking to each other and she appreciated our “phone visits.” Don’t automatically assume that just “calling” is not appreciated and enjoyed by your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to do that much if she is in assisted living. Cut back.

Have you had a loved one with dementia in assisted living? The staff are over worked and underpaid. My grandmother was losing weight because they were not patient enough to feed her. My aunt went nearly every day at lunch and my father went at dinner time to spoon feed her like a baby the last 6 months of her life.

[Anonymous]

I have it written into my trust that people ate paid to visit me, do taxes, etc.

It’s not unusual

[Anonymous]

The “do nothing” sibling has set boundaries. You can choose to take on tasks that are not actually required of you but it’s not in your power or control to change or punish them. So stop fixating on the things out of your control and work on your reactions/yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, that your sibling isn’t helping is none of your business or concern. The bottom line is that you are taking this on voluntarily, whether you see it that way or not, because apparently your mother has the resources to pay for what you’re doing for her and you don’t want that happening.

So either continue to do it voluntarily or charge for it. But charge your mother, not your siblings, and if that means that everyone gets a smaller inheritance in the end - including you - then so be it.

[Anonymous]

A lot of you are kidding yourselves if you think you can “just pay someone” to tend to an elderly family member’s every errand and need. First of all, who is managing and tasking all this help? That in itself takes work. Secondly, a bunch of paid errand runners are not providing the comfort and love of a family member being near. I mean wow, how removed are you from your families to think you can just outsource the care of your sick mother and say “send me the bill?”

OP you are doing something compassionate and right and you should not let these people make you think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

There’s a service available that will manage the medications but OP can’t take advantage of it because her nurse mother, whi presumably gave medication’s too many people who were not her relatives, got “angry”?
It’s not “compassionate and right” that OP is doing this if she’s being guilted it into it by her mother and is being completely overwhelmed and burnt out.
Pay someone else to give the medications. Your mother will get used to it. Spend your time with her visiting not managing pills…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a service available that will manage the medications but OP can’t take advantage of it because her nurse mother, whi presumably gave medication’s too many people who were not her relatives, got “angry”?
It’s not “compassionate and right” that OP is doing this if she’s being guilted it into it by her mother and is being completely overwhelmed and burnt out.
Pay someone else to give the medications. Your mother will get used to it. Spend your time with her visiting not managing pills…

Yeah I mean if you have zero empathy and think a scared elderly person is “guilting” someone then sure that makes sense.

I don’t think you can just say “I’m having boundaries and protecting my mental health!” and ignore your loved ones’ hard times.