Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women blame men for loss of their libido it's the same as men with ED blaming their wives.

It's physical, it's almost never their partners fault.

Sometimes, but so much of sex for women is mental. Women don't experience sex the same way men do. I'm surprised that so many hetero married men don't know that.

And why oh why do these threads never discuss responsive desire??
For the record- my friends who don't want to have sex with thier husbands...their husbands are jerks who take them for granted
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html

How old are you? I am mid 40s and none of my girlfriends want to have sex with their husbands. They aren't bad men. They are just too familiar, like family. They can't change that. But sure, if my DH was a jerk to me I wouldn't let him have sex with me.

Yes! This describes me. My husband is a good guy. We've been together for 20 years. I no longer have any romantic desire for him at all. I don't want to dismantle our household. We Co-Parent okay and we still get along. We have similar outlooks on money and politics. I would much prefer we both outsource sex to other partners. If one of us falls in love, we'd have to pivot in some way, but I'm willing to take that chance.

I like the honesty and realism here.

The one thing I'd point out though is that as a single, I meet a lot of men (and couples) who want to "outsource sex" but don't want to split up, and it's not the best. Many couples are realistic and honest about their sex lives, they open their marriage, or they have a don't ask/don't tell agreement or, in some cases, they seek out a third (usually a woman) together. I have been approached by countless couples who want a threesome or a "throuple", or want to take me out on a date. Both of of them. A couple dating a single. I'm a straight woman. I don't want to have sex with another woman. I don't want to have sex with a married man. I don't want to date or have sex with a couple. I'm looking for exactly what they were looking for, and happened to find before I did. So, I do feel some bitterness toward couples who want to enjoy the benefits of marriage while "outsourcing" sex. It feels like they want me to spice up their sex life so that they can continue to enjoy social and emotional privileges that I don't have. Of course, I can just say no, and I do. And as long as the couple is upfront, people can do or not do what they want. Just another perspective from someone out there in the dating market.

Do tell. Where do you hang out where "countless" couples want a threesome? When the pandemic is over I want to go there!
--Horny guy in sexless marriage.

Generally on dating sites. Not Tinder. Apps like OkCupid and Match. I've only been asked for a threesome a handful of times in real life but online I'd say that a third of the men are in that situation. (The other two thirds are attached and lying, or undateable).

[Anonymous]

This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

I'm in an open marriage. I don't know how common they are, but probably more so than you'd think. There is so much stigma around non-monogamy even when it's practiced ethically (just look at all the judgment and condemnation of open marriages on this board, not to mention the "won't somebody please think of the children????" hysteria) that many (most?) of us are just not willing to face the consequences of "coming out." Honestly, navigating ethical non-monogamy is really difficult emotionally and logistically, so I'm sure it's true that open marriages are more likely than monogamous marriages to fail/turn into a mess. The biggest mistake people make is opening the marriage in order to fix something. If your relationship is not in great shape to begin with, ethical non-monogamy will only make it worse. You have to start from a strong foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So interesting different people’s perceptions. I think of sexless as actually sexless, not one time per month which is about what you’re describing. My husband and I are less than that - maybe 5 times a year and I don’t think either of us would describe our marriage as sexless (we’ve discussed this). We both have low libidos (one due to medication), enjoy the times when we do do it very much, but also find intimacy a lot of other ways, are great parents together, have fun together. I think we would both describe having a really great marriage with of course some areas to work on like anyone. And I think after the kids are young hopefully sex a little more for sure. But anyway, yes you can be happy but it’s really up to you and your perception. I can’t imagine breaking up a good marriage and happy family over once a month sex (which I know is what you’re saying too, not worth divorce) but yeah I would maybe try to stop saying sexless since it sounds like you DO in fact have sex and it’s probably coloring your perception of things to view it that way.

Less than 10 times a year is the clinical definition of a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

I'm in an open marriage. I don't know how common they are, but probably more so than you'd think. There is so much stigma around non-monogamy even when it's practiced ethically (just look at all the judgment and condemnation of open marriages on this board, not to mention the "won't somebody please think of the children????" hysteria) that many (most?) of us are just not willing to face the consequences of "coming out." Honestly, navigating ethical non-monogamy is really difficult emotionally and logistically, so I'm sure it's true that open marriages are more likely than monogamous marriages to fail/turn into a mess. The biggest mistake people make is opening the marriage in order to fix something. If your relationship is not in great shape to begin with, ethical non-monogamy will only make it worse. You have to start from a strong foundation.

I don't judge negatively people who can make an open marriage work, but it would be an absolute train wreck for my marriage. I'm not especially jealous by nature, but I'd resent the hell out of my wife making an effort to have sex with someone else when she hasn't shown much interest in me for a long time. And, despite not wanting to have sex with me very often, my wife would view my activities with another woman as disloyal -- and (mutual) loyalty is one of the things my wife values most in any relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

Amen, sister.

Marriage and monogamy are very eye opening come mid 40s and 20 years in. If we cut the charade, and you talk amongst your close circle, very few women really want to have sex with their husbands. Perhaps on vacation when there are no distractions it can feel good but I say it's like going to the gym. I have zero desire for it but I probably feel better after, at least feeling that I did something good for my marriage.

My husband is a good, attractive man. I know he has options, has he cheated? Who knows, and some days, who cares as long as he isn't wasting our money or inviting some stalker into our lives.

Open marriages sound amazing on paper. In reality, I would fear it's the beginning of the end. I remember what incredible sex was like and what they does to you. It's a dangerous drug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

I'm in an open marriage. I don't know how common they are, but probably more so than you'd think. There is so much stigma around non-monogamy even when it's practiced ethically (just look at all the judgment and condemnation of open marriages on this board, not to mention the "won't somebody please think of the children????" hysteria) that many (most?) of us are just not willing to face the consequences of "coming out." Honestly, navigating ethical non-monogamy is really difficult emotionally and logistically, so I'm sure it's true that open marriages are more likely than monogamous marriages to fail/turn into a mess. The biggest mistake people make is opening the marriage in order to fix something. If your relationship is not in great shape to begin with, ethical non-monogamy will only make it worse. You have to start from a strong foundation.

I don't judge negatively people who can make an open marriage work, but it would be an absolute train wreck for my marriage. I'm not especially jealous by nature, but I'd resent the hell out of my wife making an effort to have sex with someone else when she hasn't shown much interest in me for a long time. And, despite not wanting to have sex with me very often, my wife would view my activities with another woman as disloyal -- and (mutual) loyalty is one of the things my wife values most in any relationship.

I am in the same boat as you, wife has zero interest now. But the way I look at it - I know she is going to go wild with a new man because she was wild with me before she got married and had kids. On the other hand, it's the only way I can ethically have a good sex life short of divorce and I don't want to do it to my kids.

We have discussed DADT, and in some ways I think that's the solution. Do what you want and I won't ask but don't be stupid enough to get caught.

Any of these options are better than being with a disinterested wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

Amen, sister.

Marriage and monogamy are very eye opening come mid 40s and 20 years in. If we cut the charade, and you talk amongst your close circle, very few women really want to have sex with their husbands. Perhaps on vacation when there are no distractions it can feel good but I say it's like going to the gym. I have zero desire for it but I probably feel better after, at least feeling that I did something good for my marriage.

My husband is a good, attractive man. I know he has options, has he cheated? Who knows, and some days, who cares as long as he isn't wasting our money or inviting some stalker into our lives.

Open marriages sound amazing on paper. In reality, I would fear it's the beginning of the end. I remember what incredible sex was like and what they does to you. It's a dangerous drug.

As someone once wrote on DCUM, "open marriages are like socialism. Great on paper but terrible in real life". What blows them up? The woman has an unlimited number of potential sex partners and/or the man catches feelings for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

Amen, sister.

Marriage and monogamy are very eye opening come mid 40s and 20 years in. If we cut the charade, and you talk amongst your close circle, very few women really want to have sex with their husbands. Perhaps on vacation when there are no distractions it can feel good but I say it's like going to the gym. I have zero desire for it but I probably feel better after, at least feeling that I did something good for my marriage.

My husband is a good, attractive man. I know he has options, has he cheated? Who knows, and some days, who cares as long as he isn't wasting our money or inviting some stalker into our lives.

Open marriages sound amazing on paper. In reality, I would fear it's the beginning of the end. I remember what incredible sex was like and what they does to you. It's a dangerous drug.

As someone once wrote on DCUM, "open marriages are like socialism. Great on paper but terrible in real life". What blows them up? The woman has an unlimited number of potential sex partners and/or the man catches feelings for someone else.

+1. Emotions are tricky and often you won't know how you'll react until you're in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

I'm in an open marriage. I don't know how common they are, but probably more so than you'd think. There is so much stigma around non-monogamy even when it's practiced ethically (just look at all the judgment and condemnation of open marriages on this board, not to mention the "won't somebody please think of the children????" hysteria) that many (most?) of us are just not willing to face the consequences of "coming out." Honestly, navigating ethical non-monogamy is really difficult emotionally and logistically, so I'm sure it's true that open marriages are more likely than monogamous marriages to fail/turn into a mess. The biggest mistake people make is opening the marriage in order to fix something. If your relationship is not in great shape to begin with, ethical non-monogamy will only make it worse. You have to start from a strong foundation.

+1

Common issues include one partner getting more outside interest/opportunities than the other, or one partner developing feelings for someone else. Plus, you have to have rules about who/what/when/where/how much info to share, and it may be hard to reach agreement, or one partner may break the rules. And you have to navigate STDs/BC. It seems like a solution to a problem, but it's not. You have to already have a good relationship, and even then, it can take the relationship down.

[Anonymous]

As long as you are willing to trade a few benefits for outsourcing sex, then it ok. Otherwise, no one wants to take out your trash for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

You're right, I didn't say that because I don't speak like that. I didn't think I had to break it down for you but clearly, you have trouble understanding the simplest things. I certainly expect to have sex in a relationship and any woman I'm with will expect the same or we wouldn't get together in the first place. If words like, expect, in regards to sex are triggering for you, that's on you. I don't do millennial-speak or whatever generation you're from. My enjoyment of sex, where I expect my partner to enjoy it even more most of the time (because women have that super-power that men don't) is not: rape, slavery, coercion, or assault and for you to say otherwise exposes you as a nut case. Throw in, gas-lighting , abuse and PTSD and you've covered most of the key words usually thrown around this forum. I'm sure you can work those in if you try.

My point-and let me put this in terms I hope a child can understand-is this forum does a great job to convince single men like me to never get married again. If my GF ever decides she no longer wants sex, I'm not going to face the same dilemmas so many men, and some women, express here: Do I divorce and tear apart my family and harm my kids just to peruse sex? Do I cheat while keeping the marriage together? Do I suck it up and just accept that my sex life is also over with? I've been there. Never again. A relationship with me includes sex and I'll give more than I get to please a woman. If she doesn't want it, the relationship will end on much easier terms than if we were married. Is that so hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread (and my own marriage) does make me wonder why open relationships aren't more common (maybe they are and I live in a bubble)? I love my husband, we have sex 1-2 times per week, but knowing exactly what's going to happen really takes the spice out of it. We try to mix it up from time to time but admittedly it's good, not amazing, most of the time. I don't remember if it was this thread or another but someone mentioned wanting a marriage sabbatical and that would truly be my dream. I love my husband, he is a wonderful partner, but I just want to mix it up with something hot and new without messing up our otherwise great life together (and I want that for him too). Do most open marriages fail/turn into a mess? Why aren't they more common?

Amen, sister.

Marriage and monogamy are very eye opening come mid 40s and 20 years in. If we cut the charade, and you talk amongst your close circle, very few women really want to have sex with their husbands. Perhaps on vacation when there are no distractions it can feel good but I say it's like going to the gym. I have zero desire for it but I probably feel better after, at least feeling that I did something good for my marriage.

My husband is a good, attractive man. I know he has options, has he cheated? Who knows, and some days, who cares as long as he isn't wasting our money or inviting some stalker into our lives.

Open marriages sound amazing on paper. In reality, I would fear it's the beginning of the end. I remember what incredible sex was like and what they does to you. It's a dangerous drug.

As someone once wrote on DCUM, "open marriages are like socialism. Great on paper but terrible in real life". What blows them up? The woman has an unlimited number of potential sex partners and/or the man catches feelings for someone else.

IDK about Open Marriage but I've lived in a socialist country and it was great. Look at Sweden Norway the Netherlands etc they have it figured out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

I think you are nitpicking with this guy who admittedly isn't using progressive language. I think the word entitled is fine, just as I would tell my children they are entitled to be in a relationship with love and respect even though those things have to be given to them by a partner. All that means is you know not to say in a relationship where there is no love, respect, and for most people that includes a healthy sex life.

Of course you can't force your partner to give you love, respect or sex, or really anything. I didn't get that he was implying that. I think it's strange how many people don't expect that marriage will come with sex, but perhaps that's the new progressive mindset that marriage isn't a sexual relationship. I admit I am Gen X and we viewed marriage and sex as something you assumed.

I'm GenX too. I'm not nitpicking. He LITERALLY said "gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons." This is not OK. He's trying to walk it back but this was his first instinct. Do you want someone saying that to your daughter???

I'm not walking back anything. If a woman wants to deny me sex when I've agreed to a monogamous relationship, temporary situations or real health issues aside, the relationship will end. Hence, she won't get away with it. Put another way, she does not get to make that unilateral decision for me that my sex life is over. She will be free to find a man who is agreeable to a no-sex relationship, or one that renews her desires or...don't really care but we are done. That's easy with a GF, a lot more difficult with a wife and family. I'm so not sorry if that triggers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty simple formula ladies. Infrequent sex at home equals husband gets that elsewhere. Deal.

I agree, which is why I divorced once my DH lost his job. Boy wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain. Now I'm married to a richer guy, but if he ever loses a cent I'm out.

Did you always want to be a hooker when you grew up? Because valuing a man primarily for what he can buy you is kinda the definition.

Found the low earner. What do we call men who value women primarily for sex?

Men