Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Yes, libidos fade and other things become more important than sex. Sex is important when your body demands it, then not so much.

[Anonymous]

Sexless marriages only work if the man has a hall pass. You OP must be an unusually low drive male to not be having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

PP what specific actions do YOU take towards your marital sex life (one the THE most important parts of a marriage)?

[Anonymous]

My spouse thinks so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Sex is a very important part of marriage. It's what sets you apart from being roommates.

I think you both need to work on it. Maybe try seeing a therapist. Her having you jump thru hoops is not far to you. You will grow resentful and it could lead to an affair. She needs to meet you half way.

[Anonymous]

Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

The above makes perfect sense.
Now give us a recent concrete example where YOU put in some actual effort towards having sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, libidos fade and other things become more important than sex. Sex is important when your body demands it, then not so much.

+1
After having kids, the biological phase of the marriage is done. Accept it or move on with someone else after the children goes to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

PP what specific actions do YOU take towards your marital sex life (one the THE most important parts of a marriage)?

I’m open and honest with DH. I communicate my needs. I’ve even told him during the day that I don’t feel very connected to him. If he wants to have sex that night, he needs to pay attention to me and express desire. What is it about me that makes him want to have sex with me?

I’ve agreed in the past to have sex when I wasn’t physical and mentally in the mood. DH says it’s not very good. He says it seems like I’m not really into it. Newsflash I’m not if you’ve ignored me all day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

The above makes perfect sense.
Now give us a recent concrete example where YOU put in some actual effort towards having sex with him.

NP here, and I'm assuming the immediate prior PP is not the OP, so I'm not sure why they keep popping in to demand this of people who are trying to answer the OP's question. I don't think the women in any of these scenarios, including the OP's, need to woo their husbands to have sex, because clearly their husbands already want that. And if you look at general stats on marital labor division, women, in general, carry the bulk of both the mental and physical load of household management and child rearing. So that's what most DWs are "putting in some actual effort" which benefits their DHs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

Man here in a sexless marriage and I think you make a fair point and what you write us reasonable. This assumes you are up for sex when he is being romantic and engaged with you.

In my situation, I did all of those things plus more and it never mattered. I think my wife was too sheepish to just admit she lost attraction to me and her drive was gone. Like a PP said, the sex romance thing is a cycle and if one person isn't doing their part it will die, and when it does, it's VERY hard to get back.

The unfortunate part of all of this is sometimes one partner loses interest in sex and it's neither personal not something the other one can do anything about. Those marriages are probably doomed over the long term although a lot of people deal by cheating. Some get away with the cheating long enough that they stay married till their old enough when both people stop wanting sex and it's not an issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

Yes. Partners need to connect and express affection and desire. These are not unreasonable needs (according to our couples therapist). You can call them hoops, but they are basic human interaction. If I spend the afternoon with any man and he suddenly wanted to have sex, I’d say no. It would be weird. Where’s the fore play?

I don’t think DH is having an affair. And if he expresses his needs to me, I’d try to meet him half way. When he’s pouting because I’ve rejected him the day before, I call him out on it. He says “having” to tell me I’m pretty feels forced. I tell him if he can’t find anything nice to say about me then how could he want to have sex with me.

[Anonymous]

Unlikely, and here's why. All marriages require intimacy to survive. In general, men can only get that through sex. Some women can find it non sexually, which is how so many lesbian marriages are sexless but still warm and affectionate. A PP mentioned her and her husband are both low drive so they find affection in other things so it cann work.

But if at least one partner wants sex and is being rejected, there will be massive resentment which will poison everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

Yes. Partners need to connect and express affection and desire. These are not unreasonable needs (according to our couples therapist). You can call them hoops, but they are basic human interaction. If I spend the afternoon with any man and he suddenly wanted to have sex, I’d say no. It would be weird. Where’s the fore play?

I don’t think DH is having an affair. And if he expresses his needs to me, I’d try to meet him half way. When he’s pouting because I’ve rejected him the day before, I call him out on it. He says “having” to tell me I’m pretty feels forced. I tell him if he can’t find anything nice to say about me then how could he want to have sex with me.

What we need here is some kind of accounting system to supplement the romance-for-sex agreement. A woman can count the number of times she has had sex with her husband per week or per month and feel she has lived up to her part of the bargain (or concede or be called out on the fact that she has not)..But where is the quantifying method on the romance side so that the husband can say, "See, I am holding up my end.".?

There isn't one. So, in effect, the woman always holds the keys to the sex party. Until the man gets fed up with that lack of control (and lack of sex) and then the choices are divorce, cheat or give up.

Ever notice how men often post here about their frustrations over a lack of sex in the marriage and feeling like roommates but women far less frequently post about a lack of romance and feeling like roommates?

Bottom line is far more women than men are content to be roommates in sexless marriages and the suggestion that more romance will lead to more sex is mostly a dodge to avoid just coming out and admitting it. Because if you admit it, it's basically an invitation for the man to look elsewhere. He didn't sign up to marry a roommate. So in the wife's construction it has to be his fault he is not having sex.